Thanks Yoyo and BB - Now I don't know if I have backslid or just been truthful but......H just rang me at work, just to say Hi and see how things are going, to which I just replied very airy fairy of "Yeah fine and you" to which he replied "Oh been really busy at work and tired". He checked that he was working here tomorrow which I said yes and then there was a stifling silence so of course I had to fill it oops..... M: Have you noticed we don't seem to have much to say H: No is something wrong M: No not really, I have just given up on waiting for you, I am just doing my own thing and leaving you to do yours. H: Yeah, I guess I have noticed that M: Oh well it doesn't really matter to me whether you have noticed or not as it is what I am doing that interests me as for you I am really not bothered anymore, I have given it too much time already. H: Fair enough. M: Yes it is, I guess I have had some time to see you in a different light, you dont act the same anymore and I am not really interested in who you have become. H: Well we will find some time to talk soon. M: If you feel we must otherwise dont bother as I am not interested in hearing crap anymore. Speak to me only if you have made some sort of decision. H: Mmmm O.K. if that's what you want. M: Look I will have to speak to you some other time as I am really busy so I have to go. See ya And I hung up.... Yes I wasn't very good I suppose but I am so disappointed in him and he shows no signs of changing anything so I guess I just let my anger boil over and you know what I don't even feel that bad about it....It's like he deserves it.....If he is worried he will try and fix it in the next few days and if he doesn't well then I have made it easy for him....whatever I don't care at the moment, I can't make him react the way I want so I will be true to me in how I feel and voice it if I so choose and he can KMA and if he starts to change I will assess it then and not before. ....KDU
KDU - Think your illness made you a little grouchy and impatient? I don't want to whack you for backsliding (god knows I've done worst) but I think your H has been rather concerned about you, checking up on you when you were ill and helping out with S. You did tell him to take his time to decide. But, don't beat yourself to death for this episode. Guessed what you can do is...when he next calls (he definitely will call...) just gently apologise and say something like "your medication blah blah made you a little irritable...blah blah, and you apologise for your behaviour". I think men somehow don't REMEMBER stuff that well, and will accept your apology quite happily and think things are cool between you two. And hope you can continue to DBING from there....
I don't think you did a bad thing at all. You just let H know how you were feeling and that's okay. I think we all reach the point where you are right now where we don't care one way or the other. We have been put through the wringer and yet the WAS expect us to beg like dogs for the little morsels they feed us. Bullsh!it. As they say, action speaks louder than words and his actions seem to say that he still doesn't know what he wants.
I feel like you do if our H's do come back to us. There have been so many changes between the two of us and I don't know who he is anymore, other than an a@@hole.
M:43 H:37 D14 (ours) D18 (mine) S22 (mine) S18 (his) S: 10/2004 Bomb: 2/15/05 In/out of home Living with OW #4 Talks of D for 2-1/2 years
I must completely agree with our friend from Oklahoma here. KDK, you nailed it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the minority out here but sometimes one needs to throw "the book" aside and say "enough is enough".
1) Some of these marriages will be reconciled, and that's great! 2) Some of them won't and that will be in some cases, a shame. 3) Some of the folks out here will keep holding on to the hope of a reconciliation for years while their spouses continue to sh*t on them. 4) Some of these marriages will NOT be reconciled...and that's OK too. Maybe some of them shouldn't be, you know?
It's #4 that I see a lot of people really fighting. I feel as long as the LBS (the DB'er) has become a better person out of the DB process, it is still a positive thing.
Again, I think your conversation was completely appropriate. Keep up the strong work Kim...
KDU - you go girl! dont worry about what your H thinks of you said, draw that line in the sand if you have to.
But you gotta admit when you hung up, you know he had to be staring at the phone going WTF? lol!
The point is we all have our limitations and theres only so much we can take before we start pushing back, at least now he knows your not the fool he thought you were.
KDU, don't beat yourself up. That was a real 180. WAH has I guess always presumed that you would always be there once he figured out his stuff, and now he will be thinking? You weren't nasty, you just told it like it is.
KDU... thank you so much for your post. It does help to know someone else out there knows what it's like, though I wish no one else was going through this. Your H and my H...they can say one thing and do another...it's because they don't know what they want from one minute to the next. They are in la la land. And meanwhile, like you say, we're sitting back, GAL, but really waiting for the next crumb as you said. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But KDU, girl, you are going to be OK. And so am I. Our H's are just one person out of this big world. Their confusion has nothing to do with us, so just remember that.
Guys thankyou for your posts they really do mean alot and I love hearing that my backslide wasn't such a bad thing and you know what I didn't really feel that it was. Like some of you have said sometimes you just have to throw the book up in the air and say it how it really is, it hurts to do but is also a little cleansing to the soul. I think I am getting close to truly turning a corner and maybe that is where I need to get to in order to truly DB. I think when I come to terms properly about my R and basically give up and start to live my life for me and my kids then the DB principles wont be such a fake as reality and maybe that is when H will truly make up his mind but i do know if I can turn that corner and H never makes up his mind, it wont bother me very much and I am trying so hard to try and forget my feelings for him and am trying so hard to not care if he comes back b/c I really feel I can't do it anymore. Now having said that, thinking it and actually doing it are two different things but that is truly my goal at the moment. I want to go back to the person I was which was outgoing, friendly, caring and according to everyone else good company and lots of fun and there is nothing wrong with that for too long I have brooded about my H and my M and secretly wallowed in self pity and existed just to wait for him to wake up. Well hopefully I am the one doing the waking up, I am opening my eyes, I just hope they stay open. I have to move forward and stop faking it, I know this and I am really going to try hard to do it and DMF you are soooo right sometimes some M's just aren't meant to make it and I have to start believing that mine might be one of them. Can you all tell I am trying to talk myself into this, I believe it dont worry but actually living it is the hard part but hey at least I am finally being totally honest with myself and all you guys. I will not be a doormat for him and I really think I need to become a little mean where he is concerned to give myself a kick start. What I mean by that is not to take his $hit and start standing up for myself no matter what he thinks, once I feel better about that then maybe I will soften and start to validate and all that stuff but then again who knows maybe I wont. Sorry guys I know I sound mean and awful but I guess I am just fed up and pi$$ed off and venting for all it is worth. We are having a chat tonight as he is working for my company today and we briefly spoke this morning and he said we would have a chat tonight when he dropped the workcar off at the office. So that will be interesting don't worry he still wants to find himself but I will be letting him know that he can have all the time in the world to find himself and that I hope he does find himself as the person that has invaded his body is not someone I like at the moment and I might just tell him that.......Nah so there, think I will have to go out and have a couple of scotch's tonight just to calm myself down....Thanks if anyone is still reading this as I wouldn't blame you all to go running for cover with your arms over your heads going psycho woman on the loose run for cover. Have a good weekend guys.....KDU
I want to go back to the person I was which was outgoing, friendly, caring and according to everyone else good company and lots of fun and there is nothing wrong with that for too long I have brooded about my H and my M and secretly wallowed in self pity and existed just to wait for him to wake up.
KDU - I'm so proud of you! What you have realized that you may not even know, is that you have switched from playing the victim to playing a survivor!
I think I am getting close to truly turning a corner and maybe that is where I need to get to in order to truly DB.
And you are correct, it does improve your DB skills because you'll find now that DB is also about saving yourself and not just your M, and by doing that your PMA will be lifted to a totally new level. Like you said, sometimes you have to take that break from it all to switch gears.
And when your ready to put that energy back into DB if thats what you decide - your going to find you approach it differently then you ever did before and find a completely diff. reaction from your H because now he will see he's going to go 'my my who is this lovely little creature who's positivly bubbling with self esteem......I remember you - wink wink nudge nudge'.
lol! 