More reading - which one are you?

[Greeneyedlass]

ZB,

In our C session yesterday....my H started out (when our C asked how we were) talking about everything under the sun going on, the house, the acreage, work...everything but us....and said "we've been busy". I interjected, "we're always busy H, that's our life....we're never not going to be busy, we have to learn to work around that for us."

It goes along with your wife feeling overwhelemed I think. My H gets so preoccupied with everything else that he forgets to even take the time to think about us....it just doesn't occur to him. Our C told him yesterday he's going to have to learn to turn off the other things for awhile....mentally set them on a shelf and concentrate on us from time-to-time. Perhaps that's what your W needs to learn to do...of course she has to be willing to do it.

GEL

[karen1]

GEL,

Amen and the choir starts to sing.

Karen

[MrsNOP]

Um....I answered "That's me!" the most to the Distancer statements and yes to just a few of the Pursuer statements. And I'm definitely the HD person in the R. Still have to figure out where she would be in this.

It helps to put it in the context of how you deal with anger, not in the context of sexual desire.

I think many of us have a big problem dealing with our anger. Some push it down because of religious beliefs. Some see anger as a bad thing and strive to be nice. Some squelch it enough that it comes back out as depression, which seems to be a more acceptable expression than anger. Some eventually tire of being on the precipice of anger that their emotions withdraw into a nothingness as a form of relief.

Lerner proposes the idea that anger is a signal that something is wrong and that it should be an indicator for examination.

Here's the first paragraph:

"Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self - our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions - is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing to much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say "no" to the ways in which we are defined by others and "yes" to the dictates of our inner self."

skipping forward a bit:

"Anger Gone Wrong

If our old familiar ways of managing anger are not working for us, chances are that we fall into one or both of the following categories. In the "nice lady" (my ed. comment - it is geared toward women but the info is really not gender restricted) category, we attempt to avoid anger and conflict at all costs. In the "bitch" category, we get angry with ease, but we participate in ineffective fighting, complaining, and blaming that leads to no constructive resolution.

These two styles of managing anger may appear to be as different as night and day. In reality, they both serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity of self, and to ensure that change does not occur.."

++++++++++

In one of the examples, a 50-year old woman whose youngest child had just headed off to college, is seeking anger management help because of the demands of her 70 something year old widowed partially-disabled dad. She has to drive him to various things a couple of times a week, does chores at his apartment every week (which he critiques) and he calls her several times a day.

The question was "what is your problem as you see it?"

The answer was -
My father doesn't think I have my own life.
My father thinks my world should revolve around him.
My father uses me.
My father asks too much.
My father makes me feel guilty.
My father needs to get out and meet people.

Therapist's Question: "Who has the problem?"

Patient's Answer: "My father."

Everything Katie says reiterates that her father has the problem. Lerner points out that Katie's father is able to identify his wishes, state them clearly, and even get what he wants. (I couldn't help but laugh at this, because dad's successfully getting his way, so how's it his problem.)

Katie has the problem, and the chapter goes on to explain how Katie started dragging herself out of the rut.

The purpose of the book is to assist you in breaking out of the circular dance that we all get into in our relationships. The arguments/convos that you have over and over where the same things are said by both parties and nothing ever changes.

Just some food for thought.

MrsNOP -

[MrsNOP]

I've also come to conclusion that H doesn't see himself as lacking in desire. He sees himself as overwhelmed which "can't be helped." I don't care about the label but it does affect how he views my reading that kind of literature - stuff about "rekindling desire" and so forth. He thinks that we both feel passionately for each other so therefore there is nothing to rekindle. The difference is that he has the luxury of "knowing" that I feel that for him whereas I don't "know" that he feels that for me.

Karen, how does he know what you feel for him?

I ask because NOP is quite a passionate man, but this did not equate to me really knowing how he felt about me.

To me, his passion was something that came *from* him, not necessarily something that came as a *result* of me.

Make sense?

MrsNOP -

[honeypot]

To me, his passion was something that came *from* him, not necessarily something that came as a *result* of me.

My husband feels this way too, but I have been unsuccessful in convincing him otherwise. Any thoughts as to how one goes about that?

Thx,
HP

[cinemanymph]

HP,

Being receptive to another persons feelings is a toughy for some people. Some people have faulty emotion receptors.

[karen1]

Mrs. Nop,

My H does know what I feel for him. He frequently articulates it. In "discussions" we have had he says, "I know you love me" and has even said "I know you would give anything to me or this family." I have directly shared with H what qualities I particularly enjoy in him physically, emotionally, spiritually. H knows. Is he receiving the message.

Karen

[honeypot]

Cine,
My H has said that he is "not worthy" of my passion. Therefore (in his mind), there's no way it's resulting from him, so it's gotta be 100% coming from me and my hormones or whatever.

There is no way for me to raise his self esteem. So I'm kinda stuck.

[GonnaGoBlind]

MrsGGB has said that her body is not attractive enough to spark any passion, therefore it "can't" be because of her and must be totally from my natural horniness. Same boat even if we got there different ways.

Doesn't matter much at the moment, as my horniness has gone into hiding along with "that loving fe-eling". She keeps asking if I am angry with her (I am not), and said she wants to talk tonight. We'll see where that goes.

[cinemanymph]

HP,
Wonder where your H got the idea that he is not worthy of passion from his woman?