I'm reading "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It's geared toward women, but the subject is a "guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships."
One of the sections I have found particularly interesting encourages you to observe your characteristic style of managing anger. However, reading it, I don't think the observations are limited to styles of dealing with anger, but I think they run into being styles of dealing with life in general. Here's 3 of the categories listed:
Pursuers
* react to anxiety by seeking greater togetherness in a relationship. * place a high value on talking things out and expressing feelings, and believe others should do the same. * feel rejected and take it personally when someone close to them wants more time and space alone or away from the relationship. * tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance. * may negatively label themselves as "too dependent" or "too demanding" in a relationship. * tend to criticize their partner as someone who can't handle feelings or tolerate closeness.
Distancers
* seek emotional distance or physical space when stress is high. * consider themselves to be self-reliant and private persons - more "do it yourselfers" than help-seekers. * have difficulty showing their needy, vulnerable, and dependent sides. * recieve such labels as "emotionally unavailable, withholding, unable to deal with feelings" from significant others. * manage anxiety in personal relationships by intensifying work-related projects. * may cut off a relationship entirely when things get intense, rather than hanging in and working it out. * open up most freely when they are not pushed or pursued.
Blamers
* respond to anxiety with emotional intensity and fighting. * have a short fuse. * expend high levels of energy trying to change someone who does not want to change. * engage in repetitive cycles of fighting that relieve tension but perpetuate the old pattern. * hold another person responsible for one's own feelings and actions. * see others as the sole obstacle to making changes.
I can easiliy see which one I identify with the most.
Pursuer no doubt. and W is a Distancer. No surprise there.
The more interesting question is. I would guess most HD people are pursuers, and a fair amount are blamers. And how many (HD) pursuers turn into blamers? LD people I would mostly categorize as Distancers, and some might be or turn into blamers, but I think they are predominantly distancers.
Generalizations. *shrug*
How many Hd distancers would there be? How many LD pursuers?
I don't think it breaks out that easily in general.
MsHD & MsOgLOU strike me as blamers. Mr. Corri and NOP strike me as distancers. I am a pursuer and I perceive that NG is as well.
Apologies in advance for any possible offense made by my armchair therapy. No offense was meant and I will glady take it all back.
I think we see a higher preponderance of pursuers here because the board is self-selected toward people who have a problem and are desperately looking for a solution. I don't think HD/LD outside of this board would break out into pursuer/distancer as easily. HD folks who would be distancers aren't as apt to be looking for a solution online.
I started as the "relationship" pursuer in our marriage. As my resentment and hurt grew at feeling that I was unimportant in our relationship I moved into what the list calls the " tend to pursue harder and then coldly withdraw when an important person seeks distance."
That withdrawal took place over a few years and I fought it with limited success on occasion. I stopped pushing for what I wanted from our marriage. My openness toward NOP dried up. And with that, any thought of giving much of a rip about what he might be wanting or needing disappeared as well. NOP felt the withdrawal and eventually tried to put things back to right again. And for a time became the relationship pursuer. But the distance was too far for gifts to traverse.
Of course, we were both doing our "blaming" at each other, whether or not it ever got expressed verbally.
I think it's based on what your first initial reaction to anger, or those disfunctional circular patterns into which relationships can so often deteriorate.
Blamers are the ones who respond to most overtures by coming out with guns blazing. You don't strike me as a guns-blazing sort of guy. When you and your wife have an argument, do you chase her trying to make it right and talk about it, do you respond quickly with the list of things she's failing in, or do you want to get away as fast as you can?
Betsey, the pursuer but sometimes a distancer too 