Quote: When my H was going to the therapist on his own I thought it was a good thing....at first, turns out I was shooting myself in the foot. I had no way of knowing that things were or weren't being addressed (they weren't).
I don't know. I do think some points are being addressed. Some time ago when I was at a real down, she said to me "I realize sex is important to you, and Karin told me that most of all, you feel hurt". At the time I thought it was a bit of a break through. It wasn't. It was more perhaps how she sees the importance of it to me, and how she's willing to accept the pov of her therapist, but I wonder if she actually subscribed to the idea rather than regarding it a possible explanation of things. It didn't make her pursue change or improvement.
Quote: It didn't help him communicate more with me....he didn't. We ended up spending 6-mo's and hundreds of dollars on nothing....and I never had a clue. I really encourage you two to switch C's....find one who will see you as a couple.
This is true. We don't communicate better. in fact, i think it might actually have a reverse effect. She has an outlet for her emotions and feelings, and a very secure and safe one in that. I don't, except this board, which I must add works very therapeutical, thanks ppl .
Maybe her having an outlet for her fears, emotions, feelings and whatelse you have not is fulfilling enough to perhaps remove any need to talk about it with me. Just a wild punch in the dark: the fact that she is (or might be) talking about issues with her therapist gives her a feeling that 'she is talking about it'. The fact that she's talkign with a therapist instead of me only being a minor detail.... Does that sound plausible?
Quote: Seeing a C together has been the best thing we have done so far.
Yes, maybe I should really persue this. Maybe best I put it down matter of fact: "I think we should seek C". No explanation, arguments why or not. just matter of fact that I really think it's time we go to C together. If that sends her off into despair (odd enough, she has abandonement fears) and interprets it as the first signs of a D, well, so be it.
Quote: The key is YOU end the non-productive conversation. Refuse to go round and round with her. Since I started doing that my H has done much better about not assuming what I'm thinking.
I have tried this now and then with varying results. She often used to dwell in self pity. For example, if I told her about emotional needs (like, "I need some TLC and affection tonight"), she'd respond by "I can't give you what you need". I told her that I won't accept this kind of negative (or self pity) talk, adn that I won't respond to it. Some times it worked, some times it made her clamshell. We can set our boundaries that we won't accept the behavior, but we can't change the negative spin she puts herself in, wether she expresses it or not.
Quote: Remind her "You've asked me to encourage you to come with me, that's what I'm doing, care to join me? I'd love your company."
Well, I'll give you some more on the convo further on as best as I can remember it, as it will give you some insight of the catches in it.
"You asked me if I could motivate you to go to the gym"
"Yes, but I don't like to go the the gym"
"So you don't want to go to the gym?"
"Well, I do want to go, I whish I could make myself go, but maybe I really don't want to go"
"Ok, so if I get your point, you whish you were the kind of person that can make herself go to the gym"
"Yes"
"So, if you wish you were that kind of person, why not make yourself that kind of person? It's quite simple, really. The only thing you need to do is make that decision that you are going to make happen what you wish for. A whish is wanting something but expecting it to happen by miracle. In order for things to happen, you have to make them happen."
"Hmmm, yes"
"And basically, you put me in the blame position. On one hand you whish you could make it to the gym, and you ask me to help make that happen, but then you don't really want to go, and get mad at me when I ask you to come along. How fair is that?"
"No, that's not really fair"
That's was about the end of the convo. As interesting as it may be, it doesn't lead anywhere. What I perpetually miss is her commiting to making a change. She acknowledges something isn't working, and then continues on in the same way. I once told her that the only way to mak eit work is set like one day per week, commit to it, and stick to it. And have consequences for not going. Eg, we would have a nice dinner out each week she went, but not if she skipped.
Actually, there are many issues from the beginning of the R where she wanted me to help, but never committed to it herself. Most I have graciously ignored and never even mentioned. Like, she's bad at managing her mail, financials and such, and she asked me to help her get better at it. we made a plan, I proposed various things she could do, and she all thought they were good ideas. she never really committed to any of it, and she's back to her old ways in that. I simply accepted nothing was changing there, and just gave up on trying to help her. It is not something I see as an 'issue' in our R, it doesn't bother me. And we never had a fight over it, as it's just an organisational issue. but it's exemplatory of how she expresses 'whishes' or 'wants' but fails to connect the dots that the only way to get what you want, is by actually making a change, putting effort in it and committing to it.
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