Quote: Beware of trying to have big "R" talks too often too....that is just as likely to shut her down. If you try to talk too much about these things and nothing else with her she's going to think you two can't have a conversation without you trying to turn it around to a convo about you two.
This is true. I can only say that I try to limit to a bare minimum. The thing is, sometimes there are things we (or I if you like) need to talk about, be it small or bigger. Even small things turn into me hitting my head on a brick wall. For example, earlier this week I asked her if she wanted to join me in the evening at the gym. What she appearantly hears me say based on the way she responds (regardless of how I say it) is "you should go to the gym more often" or "you're fat", etc. It's another of those catch 22s. She explicitly told me I should motivate her more to work out at the gym, ask her along, etc, but when I do, it's like she takes her own guilt about it, projects it on me and turns it into something negative. It's nay impossible to not 'talk' about such or respond in such a way that it doesn't move into one of those non-talks. e.g:
"I didn't say that"
"Yes, but you are thinking it"
"I am not thinking that"
"Well, you are, you do think I'm lazy and have no character"
"You're second guessing what you believe I am thinkingand you are distrusting my motives."
Etc...
Is there a way out? Yes. Pulling out I guess. I'll make it her choice if she wants to connect with me or not.
Quote: What do you think she'd say if you asked her to go to a MC with you to work on your communication....nothing to do with sex, just communication? I suspect there's something that keeps her from talking to you the way you want...just as there's something that holds my H back.
My guess is that it would have a very negative impact, as it would for her be the utlimate signal that it's 'extremely serious'. Guilt is one of her issues. She feels guilty for it, but then she can't get herself to actually make a change, or do something. Her strategie is sticking her head in the sand.
She is seeing a therapist on a weekly basis. She never ever tells me what they talk about, what goes or on not. If I didn't know she has a weekly appointment, nothing would ever hint she went. She once told me I could come along some time, but when I tried to put thay in inkt, there was alwaysa reason why it was either inconvenient, or how she thought it might be a bad moment, etc. So I gave up on that. I'm not going to force myself or herself in there.
