Sorry to hear about that convo. But, why didn't you ask her why she didn't call you to let you know she was going to be later than she had said? That's probably something you might want to work on for yourself...don't hold those things in. Ask a simple question, it was a valid question.
You two have communcation issues (you both do). Stay away from telling her things like "you need to tell me"....rephrase things like that to "I need you to tell me"....try to keep these things in the "I" context. Because what you are really trying to get across to her is what YOU need....not what she needs. From her side of things I can imagine when you said "you need to..." she's thinking "like he**" I need to!". Especially if she's got something she just doesn't want to talk about....that'll get her to dig her heels in further.
My H will talk about the weather, the tractor, his truck, the pasture, the horses, work, airplanes....anything but US. This is something we're working on....and I suspect your W has some difficulties with this too. This "communication" issue is one of the main things we're workign on in counseling....and we're making some improvements, but it takes time....sometimes a long time.
Beware of trying to have big "R" talks too often too....that is just as likely to shut her down. If you try to talk too much about these things and nothing else with her she's going to think you two can't have a conversation without you trying to turn it around to a convo about you two. I found, that for me, I wanted to work through this issue so badly that I would bring things up too often...and it came across as nagging. I think you are running the risk of doing this too.
What do you think she'd say if you asked her to go to a MC with you to work on your communication....nothing to do with sex, just communication? I suspect there's something that keeps her from talking to you the way you want...just as there's something that holds my H back.
My H and I are slowly (very slowly) working through this....but at times it's like pulling teeth.
