Quote: You have to check the pulse of the R and determine if what you are doing is working or getting you farther away from your goal.
Lou
It's a dark morning this morning.
Yesterday evening, I said to W that I would like to go to bed early and talk. We had some stuff I think we needed to talk about, or rather, I want her to talk about and for me to listen. She distances herself from talking about things she doesn't like or doesn't want to share with me.
It's little things sometimes, big times sometimes, it's not really essential, the main point is she shows a sincere lack in getting in touch with me on an emotional level. Or call it lack of empathy.
Anyway, this is what led up to it:
Yesterday afternoon she emailed me that she would be home early. Normally she comes home from work between 6:30 and 7, but she would leave early and be home before 6.
I cancelled my gym, got grocies and made dinner. At 7 still no show. At 7:30 she finally came home. I asked her "What happened? I thought you'd be home early?" She simply said: "I worked late on my freelance job". For her that was obviously more than enough closure as her next line was "Can we watch 'so you think you can dance' tonight?" (As an aside, she knows I hate this kind of shows and this one in paticular)
I assume that's all she thinks that needed to be said. It baffles me how she fails to empathize with my disappointment in her showing up late. It was her choice to work late, her small freelance job she has on the side is something she can freely pick hours for.
You can imagine all the questions that I wanted to ask. "Why do you email me you'll be home early, and then instead work late?" "Why didn't you simply email me or call me to say you'd be late?" "Can't you see that maybe I feel disappointed? Not important enough to tell me you'd be late instead?" "Why don't you express how you're sorry about being late?" "Is it because you can't? Because you don't realize how I feel? Because you don't think you have to comfort me or don't want to?"
I said nothing of the above.
I think it's part of her distancing. She surpresses the unpleasant, no matter how small or big, and simply ignores their presence or that perhaps they have to be dealt with. Like she can easily tell me 'nice' things, like how she will be home early. But then, for whatever reason she wants to work late (which is her choice, I don't mind the fact she'd be late), she can't bring herself to tell me she'd be late instead as that is an unpleasant message. She doesn't want to talk about unpleasant things. I can only she would feel guilty telling me she'd be home later when she said it would be early, so she kinds of stuffs it away and pretends all this doesn't exist. If you pretend unpleasant thoughts or emotions don't exist, or pretend what you do or did doesn't upset your S, it didn't happen.
For a philisophical analogy, it's a different form of the good old tree in the wood: "If a tree falls in the wood, and you pretend you didn't hear it, and look away, you can comfort yourself with the idea that it never fell."
Instead, I waited untill after 'SYTYCD' was over, and then told her I'd like to get to bed early and talk. During the show, I carefully thought about how to raise the issue without pushing her into the defense. It's something we need to talk about, as it's not incidental, it's a pattern where she pulls out and retreats on anything 'unpleasant'. That could be her own feelings, or her sense of how I might be feeling.
Well, we talked for a little bit, and I thought we were doing ok, I managed to have her talk a bit, managed to explain to her why I wanted to talk. When we got more to the core of how she tends to withdraw or ignore the 'unpleasant', she fell more silent. I waited for a while. then I said: "I need you to talk to me, you need to explain to me why this happens, or how I can help. I need you to talk to me. we're supposed to share, not to withhold." Her reply was "I'm sorry, I am tired, I want to go to sleep"
Another pullout. It was only just after 10, nto even late by our standards. I bluntly said to her "That's a lie, and you know it. You're telling me that if the house was now on fire, you'd be too tired to stay awake and take action and would burn to a crisp on your bed? I believe you may well be tired, but I fail to accept you can't stay awake for a little longer and talk to me. You're making a concious choice that you'd rather not talk to me, and rather pull out into the bliss and ignorance of sleep, hoping tomorrow we'd all 'forgotton' about it and move on like nothing needs to be dealt with or talked about."
She said: "Well, not entirely, but yes, I guess so". I told her "I almost always respect your sleep. I respect your napping in the weekends. The few times I want you to be there emotionally, the few times I need you to be there emotionally, you pull out. All it tells me is that you don't think it's important enough to stay awake for. Which means I am not important enough, that's the message I get." and that was the end of the convo.
We woke up this morning, and I was still kind of frustrated. I made coffee, and returned to bed reading a book. She stayed silent while drinking her coffee. she knows what's going on, she knows I feel frustrated, but she simply doesn't either make an opening, try to comfort me, or in anyway recognize that perhaps I might feel hurt, abandoned and frustrated.
After a while, she made a little chit-chat line about the ncie weather outside. I ignored it. It's her way of trying to put a spell on the awkward silence and unspoken dissent. I know it's not constructive, but I simply ignored her. She fell into silence again. She knows she should do something, but she doesn't. Too often I am the one soothing the atmosphere, waving away the 'unpleasant' and leave it unresolved in favor of reconciling, but I don't feel into pulling my own tooth anymore if you catch my drift.
She asked me to join her for the morning shower (I normally fire it up), and I simply said "no". My time for pulling out and distancing myself. Maybe it's revenge. Maybe it's just my (destructive) way of letting her feel how it is if someone pulls out, and abandons you on an emotional level.
I don't expect she'll call today, email or any of such. If she does, it will be something fluffy, hoping my reply will indicate that what happened is now 'behind us' and we can move on in ignorant bliss. And I'm sure she won't bring any of this up tonight or tomorrow. I've decide to stop all communication. It won't make our sitch any better, but she'll get the cold shoulder. I've reached breaking point.
Just when you think things are starting to get better, you realize it was only to make hitting rock bottom feel more painfull.
