Having a Fabulous time, Ex!

[Just_Me]

T,

You took that well. I was figuring you to say..."I wish you had stayed away."

My opinion is you are too worried about his opinion, wants, and desires. You can't make him be a dad but you can facilitate it. My suggestions...

a) Ex imposed a lot of the restrictions on ways to contact him, (turned off landline, won't answer cell when I call, will only talk during 'free' minutes, will not return email ?'s) therefore, I am abiding by 'the rules'

Screw "his rules". Indicate that the restriction put on you make it difficult. You would like to have S9 call on occasion and it works both ways...he needs to be availabe too (don't put it that harshly, but explain the dilemma)

c) when ex does call to talk it's all about 'him' and I don't need/want his drama right now

Politely cut him off, tell him about your son, and ask him if he wants to speak to him. If not, you were just leaving.

d) there are limits to showing how much gal I am doing when talking on the phone or email. Action of being gone, doing other things is showing that I do have a life outside of him.

My point...this whole portion is just about your XH and his/your son. Don't put your own GAL into it. I'm sure he knows you aren't running all over the place with S9 at all hours. Don't even worry whether he thinks your GAl. Who cares what he thinks. Make it clear that whether your GAL or not that he isn't part of it.

e) the phone calls seem to be his way of being a good 'dad', checking in on s9 and saying hi on the phone instead of actually visiting, which is what s9 needs.

Visits may be what he needs, but it might not be what he's going to get. The relationship needs to be maintained in between visits. If he called every single night to talk to his son would you still insist that it isn't good enough? If he visited once a month would it replace the phone calls in between. In an ideal world he would do both. Accept what he is willing to give and hope that it goes so well with the calls that he's anxious to visit.

Should I break my pact w/myself of taking a time out and talk to him or just follow through w/my original plan? I do know that there has been problems w/his job; to what extent I don't know and am hoping this isn't going to affect the c/s payment as I am really counting on that. If that's what it is about, letting him stew on it and figure out what to do will be more productive than me stepping in to 'rescue' him.

Yes, break your pact with yourself. If I decided to take a 40 day sabattical from my XW, but at the end of 7 days she crawled over broken glass to say she loved me and wanted to try again should I stick with the pact and say.."come back in 33 days"? I don't recommend setting a timeline on your actions/events. Be yourself. If you normally pick up the phone then pick up the phone. If you normally answer e-mails promptly then answer them promptly. Don't change yourself for the sake of this. I love the idea about sending schoolwork. Answer the e-mail and say you are fine. Bring him up to speed with everything and don't even care whether he writes back or is appreciative. It just doesn't matter.