Now, all day today I have really been puzzling over the symbolic significance that both s9 and myself had fecal matter enclosing the exact same appendages within a space of a few time elements. How strange is that??!!!! (any1? step in here and tell me to quit overanalyzing!)
Thanks for the concern, Hope. I really didn't think I was doing all that bad, but today I went to write out my shopping list and ended up putting down: toilet food kitty paper So my mind is going too!
Detachment has been key to the sitch. When his email hit last week about '...my son... I almost threw the keyboard through my 'puter at him. (I may have been in and out of consciousness w/s9's birth, but I do remember enough that I am his mother!) So the detaching helped me process it through that I almost answered w/how is your s? i haven't heard from your ex lately. That gave me a chuckle to myself! But I'm not responding until I'm ready, and it's not time yet.
And you are correct, Gabe! (^5) Day thirty-two! Have you finished yours yet? T
I'm BBBBAAAACCCCCCKKKKK!!!! was from Independence day.
Being the non-custodial parent I always see things from their perspective and it might not always apply because some fathers/mothers don't show as much interest as others. But I do not think that it's right to avoid calls and e-mails entirely in order to force your XH to see "US". It's about your/his son (by the way..he was correct to say "my son" since it is his son as well as yours. I say "my sons" as well without implying they aren't also my X's). I know this is harsh, but I think you should separate your desires for your XH from the relationship between your son and his dad. You should be doing everything you can to foster the relationship...not ignore him to force a visit. There should be phone calls in between. As you said...he could always call more than once if he really wanted to talk, but every time he does call I think you should consider that he's calling to talk to his/your son and answer accordingly.
Sorry for the browbeating...especially if undeserved, but I staunchly defend the right of a parent to talk to his child, even if he chooses to do it infrequently. If my X kept my kids from me by not answering the phone, returning calls or e-mails you can bet you'd get a lot more than just a "how's my son?". You'd get a nastigram followed by a summons.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Ok, I'll post this out here even tho my gut reaction is still telling me - "DO NOT REACT!"
First my reasons for being 'dark':
a) Ex imposed a lot of the restrictions on ways to contact him, (turned off landline, won't answer cell when I call, will only talk during 'free' minutes, will not return email ?'s) therefore, I am abiding by 'the rules'
b) any attempt to contact him seems to get turned into pursuit (even when I ?ed him about seeing s9 for his last bday)
c) when ex does call to talk it's all about 'him' and I don't need/want his drama right now
d) there are limits to showing how much gal I am doing when talking on the phone or email. Action of being gone, doing other things is showing that I do have a life outside of him.
e) the phone calls seem to be his way of being a good 'dad', checking in on s9 and saying hi on the phone instead of actually visiting, which is what s9 needs.
f) after the last positive f2f meeting, I knew there would be some retreating by him (almost 2 weeks!) and I wanted to have the action of my own retreat (a month or two! ) and finally
f) I decided on taking a 40 day sabbatical from him and getting a grip on my emotional state! (enjoying Gal activities, focusing on myself and k's, reading pdl and growing!)
As I said there has been a full gamut of emotions coming from him in his email. I did receive another one yesterday, hello, have not been able to get in touch with you what is up are you all write write back 'ex'
and now have one today. i need to talk with you call me or write back and let me know your all write 'ex'
(punctuation/spelling is left as he writes!)
In the past few days, I had made up my mind that I would send some schoolwork of s9's to him by snailmail, and follow up w/a vague email next week of "Everything's cool here!"
Should I break my pact w/myself of taking a time out and talk to him or just follow through w/my original plan? I do know that there has been problems w/his job; to what extent I don't know and am hoping this isn't going to affect the c/s payment as I am really counting on that. If that's what it is about, letting him stew on it and figure out what to do will be more productive than me stepping in to 'rescue' him.
Sorry I'm rambling now! Opinions? T
ps. the mishap of the poopfest was followed last night by mom forgetting to put the baby powder away and it is now all over the bedroom! Looks like we had an early frost indoors! At least it smells much better!
You're right, I have watched that movie so many times this summer, I should have remembered.
I do understand your points on the non custodial parent, but s9 can't talk on the phone. And ex is not encouraging any other means of communications. s9 sent him a couple of ecards to which dad did not open one for two days (and that was on fathers day) and generally ignores the contact. I've asked xh to send ecards to s9 and he doesn't.
I have my documentation in order if he does try a summons. I'm playing by ex's rules.
You took that well. I was figuring you to say..."I wish you had stayed away."
My opinion is you are too worried about his opinion, wants, and desires. You can't make him be a dad but you can facilitate it. My suggestions...
Quote: a) Ex imposed a lot of the restrictions on ways to contact him, (turned off landline, won't answer cell when I call, will only talk during 'free' minutes, will not return email ?'s) therefore, I am abiding by 'the rules'
Screw "his rules". Indicate that the restriction put on you make it difficult. You would like to have S9 call on occasion and it works both ways...he needs to be availabe too (don't put it that harshly, but explain the dilemma)
Quote: c) when ex does call to talk it's all about 'him' and I don't need/want his drama right now
Politely cut him off, tell him about your son, and ask him if he wants to speak to him. If not, you were just leaving.
Quote: d) there are limits to showing how much gal I am doing when talking on the phone or email. Action of being gone, doing other things is showing that I do have a life outside of him.
My point...this whole portion is just about your XH and his/your son. Don't put your own GAL into it. I'm sure he knows you aren't running all over the place with S9 at all hours. Don't even worry whether he thinks your GAl. Who cares what he thinks. Make it clear that whether your GAL or not that he isn't part of it.
Quote: e) the phone calls seem to be his way of being a good 'dad', checking in on s9 and saying hi on the phone instead of actually visiting, which is what s9 needs.
Visits may be what he needs, but it might not be what he's going to get. The relationship needs to be maintained in between visits. If he called every single night to talk to his son would you still insist that it isn't good enough? If he visited once a month would it replace the phone calls in between. In an ideal world he would do both. Accept what he is willing to give and hope that it goes so well with the calls that he's anxious to visit.
Quote: Should I break my pact w/myself of taking a time out and talk to him or just follow through w/my original plan? I do know that there has been problems w/his job; to what extent I don't know and am hoping this isn't going to affect the c/s payment as I am really counting on that. If that's what it is about, letting him stew on it and figure out what to do will be more productive than me stepping in to 'rescue' him.
Yes, break your pact with yourself. If I decided to take a 40 day sabattical from my XW, but at the end of 7 days she crawled over broken glass to say she loved me and wanted to try again should I stick with the pact and say.."come back in 33 days"? I don't recommend setting a timeline on your actions/events. Be yourself. If you normally pick up the phone then pick up the phone. If you normally answer e-mails promptly then answer them promptly. Don't change yourself for the sake of this. I love the idea about sending schoolwork. Answer the e-mail and say you are fine. Bring him up to speed with everything and don't even care whether he writes back or is appreciative. It just doesn't matter.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
T - I disagree with Wes about breaking your 40 day thing. How many days are you in to it? I think you need to do what's best for you. Maybe it would be different if your H was making an effort above and beyond, but he doesn't seem to be. He was the one who wanted things to be the way they are, I think he should have to deal with them. If you're doing it to take care of you, then I think you're doing the right thing.
Quote: I was figuring you to say..."I wish you had stayed away."
I actually missed you, Wes!
Quote: Screw "his rules". Indicate that the restriction put on you make it difficult. You would like to have S9 call on occasion and it works both ways...he needs to be availabe too (don't put it that harshly, but explain the dilemma)
Been there, done that. Ex didn't want to be 'bothered'
Quote: Visits may be what he needs, but it might not be what he's going to get.
S9 refuses to talk to dad on the phone now, since the phone calls have been so sporadic and the one time s9 asked for a visit, xh ignored him.
Quote: If I decided to take a 40 day sabattical from my XW, but at the end of 7 days she crawled over broken glass to say she loved me and wanted to try again should I stick with the pact and say.."come back in 33 days"?
I do agree w/you Wes. I told myself that in the beginning of this sabbatical that I may have to break it and his last email today is begging for me to do that. I just don't want to reply in a knee-jerk reaction. He doesn't know that I am aware of a) last court date over ss14, b) problems at work and c) ow. (but I guess that's beside the point)
I am in a semi-vulnerable spot still and need to keep working on myself, so the email reply is going to remain vague.
As for s9, it's hard to separate the two. I offered visits w/covering the travel myself or meeting ex halfway, and he still refused. S9 has an email account also. I mentioned a few times to ex when the first day of school was and to call us then, he got back to me a week late and says, 'did school start yet?' What more can a gal do? If he doesn't attempt to contact or see his son, I can't force him to. But my focus is on s9 and stability. Dad is not being a stable entity at this point and I will continue to deflect as much of that as I can. I am not trying to diminish the role of fathers and I commend every male on this bb that takes that role seriously. T
It's day 33! And that's how I figure this also. Ex has never liked it when I've went dark on him, as then he doesn't have his 'safety net' - me! (and yes, I still have that role even w/o the M)
One of the principles of Db/Dr is to do what works and a period of darkness has worked b4. S9 just puts a little twist into it, but I have already spoke w/my atty; nothing in the custody requires that we keep in constant contact. Only reasonable and agreeable visitation by the two parties. (this was his wording, I wanted specifics listed so he couldn't pull this on s9)
Anyways, he's not getting an immediate reply today. BTW, how would he know that I still have email service? I had mentioned I might lose it as it is a luxury expense. T
(any1? step in here and tell me to quit overanalyzing!) 
What more can a gal do? If he doesn't attempt to contact or see his son, I can't force him to. But my focus is on s9 and stability. Dad is not being a stable entity at this point and I will continue to deflect as much of that as I can. I am not trying to diminish the role of fathers and I commend every male on this bb that takes that role seriously. 