need a little input on this idea

[sage]

My h used to say that I blindsided him too...one thing he meant was that while I was stewing over an event and "planning" my "attack" he was unaware that there was anything wrong. He felt caught unawares when I did finally bring things up to him (by which time I had worked myself into a frenzy and had built up all kinds of arguments and reinforcements for why I was right and he was wrong, wrong, wrong).

Some things that helped me (that may or may not help you):

1. I get angry a LOT less often -- there are plenty of things in our M that I used to get crazy about that I just totally let slide. It helps because it really reduces the anger and anxiety I feel and h feels and it creates a much calmer environment. Then, when something does make one of us upset it really means something.

2. Even when I do get mad about something I'm pretty measured in my response -- I try not to personalize whatever it is that h has done, I try not to assign some "meaning" to it (he did this, therefore he must feel XYZ about me), and I try to realize that some things, no matter how much I think they are mine to control or react to just aren't.

3. I give h the head's up that I'm upset about something and I want to talk about it but give him time to prepare. So, for example, you could say "I was really concerned and upset about what you said in front of dd the other day. I'd like to talk to you about why I'm concerned. When would be a good time for us to talk about it?" It gives him the option to take a day or two to think about his response. The key though is to not react negatively to his first reaction which is likely to be emotional or provoking. So, if he comes back at you right then and there say "I do want to talk about this with you but think we should hold off until tomorrow. How's noontime for you?"

I think that anger is THE main thing that led to the issues in my m and shedding a lot of it has made all the difference. I'm in no way trying to minimize your anger and hurt over what h said in front of dd and I'm sure addressing it with him is a good idea...I hope some of the above was helpful.

Sage