I asked him and he wold not answer me. I told him how hurt I am and that I cannot concentrate on our problems until she is out of the picture. He insists that she has nothing to do with our problems.
I'm sorry...but you asked him what exactly? If he wants this M to work or if he's cut off contact with the OW?
Lovingly tell him that you want this M to work, and that you are willing to do what it takes to make it work...but that as long as the OW is in the picture you two cannot move forward. Three people in a R is simply too many...and the fact of the matter is that is what you have right now. You have every right to tell him that he may view her as having nothing to do with your problems (and that's complete BS) but YOU do.
An important thing to try to keep in mind here too is keep your cool...don't blow up. Don't scream and rant and rave...that'll just make you look like a mad woman, and he won't be listening to that. Calmly, bluntly....state your needs/goals/boundaries for your M. Remind him that you still love him and want to move forward, but as long as the OW is anywhere in the picture...that will not happen. Then it's HIS choice.
Go read CSW's threads...he was in a similar situation to yours (only flip-flopped) he portrayed a great man-o-steele...read his posts, it's time for you to be the woman-o-steele in your M, if you want to save it.
I agree with GEL's last post. Stay calm. Do not rant and rave. Do not cry or get upset in front of him. It will make you more unattractive to him and then he will be looking at your behavior and not the issue.
Talk firmly and calmly. EA's and PA's have happened with many people and they have made it. It you take a "this is the end of the world" mentality you won't handle it as rationally. Men need to be dealt with rationally.
That you confronted her is fine, but really the issue is with your H. He can choose to break it off. That he defends her and what he is doing shows a strong tie. But, it can be broken.
Great you are going to counseling. Great step. Let us know what comes of it.
Michelle has some great things in books and on site about what affairs and divorce will result in. I think he needs to know some of those things...they are 1)Does he know te pain that will come to his child as a result of an affair? 2) the grass is never greener on the other side..Michelle says it eloquently and states some great things in the first chapter of her book "Divorce Remedy"....!!!! I've given the book to a few people...it is eye opening. Read it..if you haven't...!!!!!!! Very good book, very helpful! Educate yourself with more than we are able to offer.
Much love sweet girl...don't give up! You can do this. Do the right thing. Act in a way that you won't later rather. Don't say things you may later regret. Many times my only strength has come through the Bible and from God's incredible help to me. I would have NEVER made it without that! You can make it dearest.....
I asked him if he was still having contact with her and he could not answer. I didn't ask him if he still wants to be in or work on our marriage because a few weeks ago he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to stay married to me. At this point he would not even consider counselling until I told him that I can't live the rest of my life like this, that I deserve to be happy. Then he took a day and said that he would give therapy a try.
I have been trying really hard to keep my cool: not always the easiest thing to do at times, but I do try.
I want more than anyting to save my M I guess some days are harder than others.
Quote: She had the nerve to ask what "She" could do to help me put my marriage back together. I don't know her but I really hate her.
I don't see where her asking what she can do to help is a problem. I do see where you could hate her, if you do, remember your H is the main problem. You have a M agreement with him, no legal or moral agreement with her.
Of course some days are harder, it's no fun the road you are on right now...and no one, not one of us, could blame you for reading him the riot act. It just wouldn't accomplish anything...so try to hang in there and keep your head about you k?
Try to remember...you're a class act and behave that way, it's a whole lot more attractive than losing it.
My guess is since he wouldn't answer your question...he is still in contact with OW. Others on here may say..."don't jump to that conclusion"...but it's been my experience when you ask someone a question that is that simple to answer and they don't answer it. It's not good.
Next time you ask him that question and he doesn't answer you...very calmly tell him something along the lines of "I am going to take your lack of response as you are still in contact with her and that's not acceptable." Remind him that he agreed to go to a C with you and as long as she's in the picture he's not giving counseling or your M a real shot. Leave it at that, don't harp on it...just say your piece and drop it...calmly.
So...while all of this is going on in your M what are you doing to take care of you? What are you doing to try to keep yourself going, keep your spirits up....take care of Confused?
Right now I am living on coffee and doing alot of crying, plus trying to be a great mom to our 2 1/2 year old. (i am not upset or crying in front of her)
I will try to stay calm, everything you say makes sense just sometimes it's hard to get your head and heart on the same page.
Boy do I understand how that goes. Try to do yourself a favor...see if you can have a friend or someone watch the little one for a few hours and get out by yourself....BTW I have one at home who is just past 2 as well
Try to GAL as best you can right now. I know it's tough...but try to cultivate an interest right now if you can. It'll help to relieve your mind and take it off of thinking about this constantly...and if nothing else it may make you more interesting to your H. The more interesting you become the more likely it is for you to regain his attention
Make plans...go do things without him every now and then if you can. Of course I'm not saying you always have to do everything without your child....but don't stick around waiting on him either.
Right now it's VERY important for you to take care of Confused.
