Re: confused2005 I am (use to be) a very sexual person and after reading the book I realize that I have to be pro-active. So for the past few days I have been the one initiating things wanting to ML and just cuddling holding hands rubbing his back)but he now just feels so cold towards me, if this is how I made him feel for 2 years I am so sorry because this sucks!
Don't go from 10 miles per hour (MPH) to 60 MPH and expect your spouse to go with the flow. I suggest doing little things so you two are relatively close in performance.
In sporting events where the score is almost even, people seem to enjoy the game more. Some people even complain when the score is almost one sided. ( you go for sex 10 times a month and H only seems interested 2 times in a month) If your current frequency for sex, cuddeling, holding hands is x times a month, try a 10% increase at first so you begin to establish new patterns.
I think alot of my problems started when we moved into his mom's house (this was 2 years ago) while our house was being built, I just felt that i couldn't be myself there and i felt like I was a kid again(living at home) His mom's house was a problem for you. Maybe the responsability of paying for everything in the new house is a problem for him.
Your housing situation was similar to mine. We lived in my MIL house for over a year. They were snow birds (people who have a winter home in a warm climate) for 8 months of the year so we had the house to our self those 8 months and shared the house for 4 months.
When our house was finished, my W/BB said I changed. I started to work a lot of overtime to pay for new furniture, window coverings, things in the yard and there were toddler items that were needed and had to be paid for.
BB liked the new house but resented that I did not have as much time for her. The second kid came along and I worked more. After that, her sexualiry declined, I felt rejected and that was the beginning of the decline of romance for both of us. Nothing drastic, no big events to remembed as "lost love" points until I worked myself into a back surgery.
I am not saying your situation is the same as mine was, just pointing out two things that might give you insight as to what went wrong and some things to avoid.
Really, I would just improve the sex and romance a little at a time for two reasons. a) Let your H get back up to speed. b) If you put a lot of work in anything and see few changes for your effort, either you become discouraged and cut back too much or you become resentful because you feel you are doing all of the work.
Thanks for your advice, I will take things slow and see where they go. We went for a long walk last night and for the first time in months HE held my hand, that made me smile.
Re confused2005 We went for a long walk last night and for the first time in months HE held my hand, Good. That is a baby step. Think baby steps, baby steps. You will get there.
I really don't know what to do. As you can see from my other postings I have been trying to be more loving and affectionate with my H. (some days are really good) I feel like I am solving this huge puzzle and I am only getting small pieces at a time. I found out that his "friend" and he have been taliking almost daily for AT LEAST 6 months possibly 1 year. There is a rumour going around his office that he has been having an affair for 1 year with her - I received an anonomous phone call last Friday. When I confronted him about this he says it is nothing physical- I do believe him but I really hope I am not being stupid and hoping for the best. I have asked him to cut off all contact with her but how will I know if this actually happens? He does not seem to understand that I cannot even try to figure out our other issues if this OW is in the picture.
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! Have you heard of EA's? (Emotional Affairs) That's often how people start out an affair, and many people who are in them do not consider them to be an "affair" because they are not physical....but they are one nonetheless, because the two people become emotionally invested in the other; it's more than friendship. This is also the precursor to a physical affair. And since my DANGER bells are ringing for you...just because he's says it's not physical...don't take that at face value.
Talking daily with this OW is unreasonable and unhealthy for your M...period, end of story. How did you find out he's talking daily with this woman to begin with? How is he going about doing this? In person, cell phone, office phone?
Hon...there's more going on here...and I'm not normally someone to jump to the "affair" conclusion.
This is a boundary that needs to be set in your M. Ask your H if he wants this M to work...if he does, then set the boundary...no more contact with this OW; you cannot move forward if you feel there is "competition". If he feels the need to talk to someone tell him to find a good male friend, talk to the C, or talk to you. He may use the reason that he talks to OW to get a woman's take on things...BS! Even if it did start out that way...he's drawing the OW in on an emotional level and chances are he's already involved emotionally too.
Please don't put blinders on to this, keep your eyes wide open! Just out of curiosity is this OW married that you know of? Has your H's behavior/schedule been different lately?
The OW is currently going through a Divorce I found out by the cel phone bill His schedule has not changed in any way, although he has been alot more moody for the past while. I mentioned to him that this is an EA and I have set boundries but HOW am I going to know if he has stopped? They were working in the same building and he has receiently been moved (2 weeks ago)
I agree with GEL. Actually, all of your H's talk of "passion" set off bells in my head that he really is looking for more than friendship with this OW. I had OM during our separation and talked about "passion" a lot with H. That was really my code word for "having hot sex with someone else." Sorry to be so blunt. I just think people, women especially, can be very naive when it comes to what their spouses are capable of when they are feeling desperate. And I have no doubt your H is getting to, if not immersed, in feelings of desperation about your M. BTDT.
Ok...you monitor that cell phone. His schedule won't necessarily have to change much if they work in the same building...that's a bit trickier. There's always lunch. Do you ever have the ability just to pop-in for lunch?
Do you monitor credit card bills/atm withdrawals? If there are excessive ATM withdrawals...where's the money going to..if they are excessive (meaning more than you think normal). Any unusual activity on the credit cards?
For me...at some point, if he says he's not having contact with her, and you don't see anything unusual you will just have to try to trust that he isn't....but keep your eyes open.
When you say he's been moody...describe what this moody behavior is like.
I can't just Pop in for lunch we work too far away and I don't have access to a car during the day. No unusual credit card or ABM activity - I take care of all the bills so I see everything that goes through the accounts. As for being moody he is grumpy and the little things will get him mad like running out of butter.
