Giving Up

[mqo]

I think I recall you saying you don't want to interfer with her meds (do I remember that correctly?). Well, let me say this as simply as I can....this may be one of those times you have to step in and be more forceful about her doing something about it.

Yes, she's on Depakote. I have also told her how to me, it appears she is over sedated. At the time she got these subscribed, she was having hard times with (private jointly owned) bussiness trouble going south, etc. She's long out of that now, but she never ever considered tapering off her meds a bit, lowering the dose to whatever level she needs. She's idee-fixed that she needs her current dose, and that she shouldn't be 'messing' with them.

I brought up that it might be an idea to try a baby step, go from 6 pills a day to maybe 5, talk it over with her MD and see where we end up. What it gave me is painfull looks as me proposing such in itself is an insane thing to do. Her stance is much like Nicolas Cage on his drinking in Leaving las Vegas. It's something I am not supposed to talk about. She doesn't talk about it, and she doesn't want to talk about it although she says it might well be a factor.

Med side-effects can be a vicious cycle....if she's sleeping a lot, doesn't feel she's emotionally available etc.....I can easily see where she might not feel very "motivated" either, and that I don't believe has anything really to do with you or her willingness to help with the R. I think that has a lot to do with the meds.

Exactly my thoughts. She once said: "But if I lower my meds, I might perhaps become moody, you might not like me anymore." I said something like "But it 'might' also 'perhaps' have a possitive effect. And if you go down one pill, and it has a bad effect, you can easily go back to 6, and be on your 'old' level again. To be honest, I am willing to risk you getting moodswings, which I think is unlikely, but anyway, I'll take that risk if there is a potential benificiary effect. I won't hold you accountable if you do get bad on me, as we would both commit to this being a risk, and accept whatever happens as a consequence. If it doesn't work, we might have a few rough moments, and we'll go back to where we are. No regrets, no looking back, whatever migth happen. And if it does work, all the more power to us".
Her response was: "You don't know what I might be like, you might hate me. I don't think it's a good idea. I don't want to talk about it further"

The most weird thing is that her argument focusses not so much on how she might feel bad or fears moodswings, but how this might affect me, and how I might not love her anymore as a consequence.

She acts as if I want her to do a cold turkey (which I don't want, we're talking baby steps going from 6 (1500 mg) to 5 pills (1250mg), which to me doesn't sound like cold turkey), and as if she's a serious mental case who will go mental of we even take one pill out of the picture. She never was on meds (except thyroid suuplements) before her black period, she isn't someone with a long mental / psychiatrical record, so I have no idea why she sticks to keep her medication as if she is.

IMPO (take it FWIW)...I think you need to phone her Dr's. office, make an appointment for her to go in....and go with her. And by that, I mean go to the office and talk to her Dr. with her.

We had agreed I would go along on her next checkup with the MD. When it came to it, she made the appointment, didn't tell me (or in her words, 'forgot about it'), and that's it. I feel she doesn't want me in there, she doesn't want me to be a part of that. the only way to make that work would be if I would contact her MD myself, but I seriously think that's totally out of bounds and disrespectfull towards her. So, not much options left.

Afterall, those meds affect you both. Sure, she may be the one taking them...they may be helping a condition of hers....but the side-effects affect you both....and she may not be seeing what you see.

Dang! You made that so clear in words. I only wonder if I could bring it up this way, as yes, I fully agree that while she might be taking them, any side effects of those pills don't simply affect her alone, they affect us. Her pills are not just 'her concern'. They're my concern as well. I don't think I have any right to interfere with them, but I do feel I have the right to discuss it with her, and openly discuss how they might have an effect on her, and thus a bad effect on our R.

No one would frown upon a S addressing the other S if he/she were an alcoholic as being an alcoholic is really destructive in any R. I guess meds are a sensitive topic as while the destructive effect may be the same, we're not supposed to say to people that the meds they think they need might be a bad thing. We're not supposed to pile guilt onto something they consider necessary. This regardless of course if their beliefs are fictional or real. (ie, needing the meds)

Are you hoping she's going to step up and take care of this on her own? If so, it's my guess because her motivation is affected....that she won't do it. This is one time (along with seeking a couples therapist) that I think you need to stand up and put your foot down.

I don't think she will ever seek changes here. she doesn't want to change things as long as she can live with it. Her fear on making a change (eg, sex, meds, sleep, communication) is that while it might not be perfect now, making a change might make it even worse, and as long as 'we' can deal with it (which I guess means I haven't gone 100% bonkers yet and filed for D), why take the risk? For her, every improvement has the shadow of failure next to it.

She may need you to take control in this situation.

Oh boy. One of her rules in life: "I hate it when people make me do things". The only option I see is to not 'make her do it', but make sure she gets the point that if she doesn't take control (eg, takes some action in this), she'll see me leaving the R on am emotional level, possibly ending in me leaving the R *period* as I will no longer accept the status quo.

Actually, if you read my other posts, you'll have read how I have more or less reached that point already.