I'm sorry you're down today...we all have those days. As far as "trying" goes though....well yeah, I want to know that just in case I reach that point where I can't take it anymore that I did absolutely everything possible to save my M within my power.
Now with that said....if I don't keep trying....my M won't be saved. That's why I keep trying. I'm not doing it to validate splitting up if that eventually happens. I'm trying to be pro-active and avoid that.
You do sound like you're in a negative place today....I hope things take an upswing for ya!!! Sending you some good thoughts!
Re:darlingnicky but wonder if all this "trying" is just a way to feel validated if we do eventually end our marriage. At least we can say we "tried" to fix things and it just didn't work out. Yes we can honestly say we tried but staying married and working on the R is good experience if the M does ever break up for your next R.
You have to fix what you can and you have to learn why your M is poor. If you don't most/many of the old problems will show in your next R.
Did you ever make a list of "must haves" " Think I really need" "would be nice" "think ir is normal" "would be nice" "would like to do someday" "icing on the cake" "once every 5 years" and so on? did you ever show it to your H?
I fantasize about H and i just having a good time, getting drunk and going to F like rabbits, but we know that'll never happen!!! Make your fantasy list and show it to your H. How about a couple (2) of drinks. Some people become someone else with more alcohol. If you think it will never happen that is a problem too. It might happen in a scalled down version. Would that be OK with you?
Quote: Did you ever make a list of "must haves" " Think I really need" "would be nice" "think ir is normal" "would be nice" "would like to do someday" "icing on the cake" "once every 5 years" and so on? did you ever show it to your H?
That is a good suggestion. I have never laid it out like that. I am sure there are things that I would discover about myself in the process. Could sharing this with H encourage him to do the same for me?
What are your thoughts on him telling me "he's fine" with everything. From a guys POV, does that mean he's not fine and doesn't want to share?
Quote: Make your fantasy list and show it to your H. How about a couple (2) of drinks. Some people become someone else with more alcohol. If you think it will never happen that is a problem too. It might happen in a scalled down version. Would that be OK with you?
That made me laugh a little 'cause neither one of us really drinks, 2 drinks would probablly get us drunk. As a matter of fact, he becomes a lot more affectionate when the "edge" is taken off. I will share my thoughts with him and see where it goes. I am open to and will appreciate any effort on his part, even if it's not my ultimate fantasy.
I did change my screen name...couldn't remember that silly password! Wrote this one down!! Thanks for finding my previous posts!
Nicki
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Even if sharing it with him doesn't encourage him to do the same for you (remember it's not going to be a tit-for-tat most of the time)....he may come to realize that not EVERYTHING you need has to be fullfilled ALL OF THE TIME.
My H had the misperception that everything I told him I needed he had to do on a full-time, everyday, all the time basis. When he told me that I kinda looked at him like "are you nutz naturally or do you work at it?" kind of a way. But it gave me the opportunity to tell him...."you don't have to do all of these all the time, some of these things are very important to me and it would be nice if you'd make an effort to do them frequently.....some of these things aren't as important and you could just do them sometimes." See he had this idea in his head (and no I've never said this to him) that he had to do everything I was telling him...all the time or I wouldn't be happy. He knows he can't do it all, all of the time....so why even try?
Share your list...it might be enlightening to you both.
I phrased it differently to my W. I told her when the 'all the time' issue came up: "No, I don't need this day in day out, but if my needs are not met, especially for a longer period, then yes, to me it will be an issue all the time, each and every day"
Re darlingnicky As a matter of fact, he becomes a lot more affectionate when the "edge" is taken off.
That was my point, to just take the edge off. I did not know your drinking patterns. I just wanted to remind you that some people become someone else when they start to get drunk. I never had more than one beer an hour and it was always with food. I stop at 2 beers.
I heard and read where guys lose the ability to have erections when they get drunk. No real life experiences.
I tried phrasing it that way to my H several times...he didn't get it, that's why I tried the approach I mentioned. For him, it seems to have sunk in better...but everyone is different, that's why this is so difficult to deal with
Just yesterday in our S he finally understood that HE is putting me in a catch-22 (those words came out of his mouth).
He's talking big about this weekend....so I'm not getting my hopes up, but it'd sure be nice if he'd follow-through for once.
Quote: I heard and read where guys lose the ability to have erections when they get drunk. No real life experiences.
Hmmm. I don't lose the abillity for an erection, good as ever, but I do take more time to climax. Which can be a great thing if the other partner is into it. If not, better not even start it....
GEL, that is where I am at a loss tbh. I simply have no idea which language or approach works. I've tried the approach where while showing affection and carefully trying to bring up something in a non attacking, 'me' way. She pulls out. Once she said "You are only being nice so you can say mean things". It's extremely hard when someone is taking everything in a negative way.
She says she feels guilty. She says she does think she's not emotionally available enough. Her sleeping a lot and being tired she also sees as a problem, but she doesn't do anything about it. Called her MD on the phone, he suggested to alter the pills for the morning and evening and that was that. I don't think she ever told him it was a 'big' problem, most likely she said it in a lighthearted way (she hates to 'bother people' as she says herself) how she slept more, and her MD prolly never got the message it might be more serious.
We talk about issues, but there isn't any resolve. And most are cut off when she has to do something. (eg, 'Do bills', 'Call someone', 'Sleep', etc). She dials out.
And to be honest, it stresses me out. The amount of effort and energy it takes from me is huge. It takes so much mental strength to tiptoe yourself in a 'good' talk, to avoid all the landmines, to heep smiling, to keep being possitive while you get doom, negativity and abandonement thrown at you.
