It was the way I obtained the informatin about the affair. Invasion of privacy, etc.he is holding that against me.
The "invasion of privacy" card is usually always played by the spouse involved in an affair.
But what you did wasn't invasion of "privacy". It was an invasion of his "secrecy". A committed couple in an honest relationship do not have these kinds of secrets they wish to keep private. His secrets he wants to keep private because they expose lies.
Your piercing his secrets was because you sensed something gravely amiss in your relationship and you sought it out to bring it to light in order to deal with it. How much better is that then staying ignorant, not sensing anything amiss in a relationship, and thus never working on the problems? Carry that thought over to other areas of a relationship and it makes a lot of sense... why shouldn't it be applicable to checking out whether or not one's spouse has breached the relationship? It's your relationship too.
There was one day after my breakup where my WAW mentioned something she found on my computer that showed her that I was suspecting her, and she felt I had been a snoop in doing so... but there she was admitting that she had snooped on my computer and it didn't seem to register with her that she was confessing to the same deed she was accusing me of. So, it's all how one looks at this issue and justifies it, isn't it? Well, I maintain that the rationale for the deed has to be good. In my WAW's case, my monitoring her came after her EA was exposed and we were supposedly working on our marriage, but the trust had been shattered, and I even told her she'd best be squeaky clean because I was going to be on high watch. She didn't have any decent justification to snoop on me, that was just her trying to find out what I knew about what was really going on, and/or trying to find out what methods I was using to monitor her.
He wants to make out that I am insane and can not tell reality from fantasy. The things he says sound more like how he is acting, not me.
The things he says reflect how he's thinking and feeling as of this moment, which leads to his actions. It's not unusual for a WAS to tell you you're imagining things, and make the LBS feel disoriented and questioning their own eyes.
You wanted an opinion on his email...
True to your nature, you are very interested in my meeting with Barbra last night and cannot wait. You are interested in your survival as if life is something to endure. You have always behaved as if you are being hunted. Maybe I finally know what it is like to be a hunter.
Rule #1. When it's stuff like this, that is, anti-you, don't listen to what they say. He's speaking of his perception of you at this moment. You're not in a spot where he values your relationship right now, so you can't expect flowery sentiments from him.
The meeting? The meeting took an unexpected turn.
I decided to take control of my life.
Maybe Barbra dumped him.
First, let me tell you for the thousandth time that I have never been intimate with Barbra. I do love and care about her very much. She is my best friend and someone who listens to me and makes me feel valuable.
He values her friendship greatly. He's not going to admit to a PA however.
Much like your hysteria and drama and foolish attacks on my life,
These are areas for 180s. He evidently sees this behavior in you, and it's up to you to identify it and change it, not for him, but for you. You may not see it in yourself, or not wish to acknowledge it, but there has to be something happening in that area for him to have his reasons to label your behavior in that way.
I will not be calling, emailing, texting, or visiting Barbra. She is not a priority. She has agreed to this arrangement and will not be contacting me.
Yeah, again... either she dumped him or he's lying.
how much easier to sever the relationship of someone who has only brought me bitterness and grief?
The WAS paints all things negative. It's pretty rare that someone has "only" served up "bitterness and grief". But what's happened to cause the relationship to break is that the negatives have piled up over time and outweigh the positives.
I know this means nothing to you. All you want to know is what is going to happen to you... Can you expect the authorities to pay you a visit. If I were you, I would be on my best behavior. There are no intentions to press charges, but if there is even a hint of your continued harassment, you are [censored]. You have no idea how much follow-up has been done about your actions.
People make threats when they're angry and they don't know what else to do.
I want to be in charge of my life.
Isn't is funny how he can criticize you for what he sees as thinking of yourself, and in the same breath, tell you his top priority is to think of himself? It only proves that the WAS's mind set is all about "Me, me, me".
But in that statement is also his perception of his great hurt.
I will not discuss this anymore.
Because he's afraid you can change his mind, or cause confusion, perhaps? He did not say "Never contact me again!". There's a difference, isn't there?
Look, he's obviously very hurt, has a lot of negative feelings toward you at this time. This is going to take lots of time to change. It requires, if you want to work on this, you to only give him agreement and very positive encounters. It will take time for the negative feelings he carries to dissipate. but when they do over time, and especially if you're feeding him positives, positive feelings will be all that he has left, and they will surface.
Right now, back off, work on those 180s and just let go of him with love, just for now.
Thank you so much for responding!!! After being yelled at for a few days and being called every single name in the book, I have kept my cell phone off and am giving him his much needed space. He will be here in a little over 2 weeks to visit the children. I will be D-busting my ass off, I want to leave him with such a good memory so he has something to think about when he leaves. I have asked him however if we can not discuss the D or any R issues. This time is for the kids. I also told him that if he is so desperate to get a D then he should do it in CA. There is no point in starting the legal stuff in NH and then moving to CA. I also will not sign anything until he gets a job, or I will be without child support, alimony, etc. He can file for a legal separation in CA, and then after he is a resident for 6 months he can file for a divorce. The funny thing is that today he has left me 2 really nice voice mails, but I have not responded. He says one thing, like" I hate you and the sooner you are out of life the better" and then calls me to tell me he was thinking about me. I do not want to be baited into a fight, I am finally starting to get a little bit of my control back and I will not give him the satisfaction of justifying his choices by my reactions.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
