he is still denying it, makes me out to be a nutcase, with a vivid imagination. tells me I am a psycho freak and have fabricated all of this. I have the damn truth, I have it all, and he will still deny it
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Quote: I have the damn truth, I have it all, and he will still deny it
That's very common. He'll lash out at you to protect himself. That's why it's essential that you do the hardest thing you'll ever do and step away from it all. Don't engage him in discussions about this because there is no benefit - you know how it will turn out and you know the truth anyway. Nothing in these discussions will alter your reality, which you have to start living in the best way possible.
Shift your focus away from him to you. Post some goals. Dream up some 180s. Do something out of character and fun so that you can GAL. Let us know what you're doing to change your reality. You cannot control him, so take back control of yourself.
I promise it gets better. I go back and read my first post here (4 months ago) - the despair, the terror, the agony. It was horrible. And I changed my reality and now have a good life that is unrecognizable from that time.
H was crying on the phone because his "friend' may want to end their friendship because of me. She thinks I am insane and will come after her and her son. He is so angry with me because she is the only one who understands him and now he doesn't have anyone. How about a wife at home and 8 kids?? History has been rewritten and again I am the blame of everything wrong in his life. The man is still unemployed, living with his brothers family. He will be here in about 3 weeks to visit the kids. He has an openended ticket, and doesn't even want to extend his trip. I have asked him to please stay and help me get all of the stuff together for the sale of the house, as he did agree to sign the paperwork. I told him that if he gets a call for a job, of course then he should fly back to California. What he isn't getting is that his Mother is moving back on October 7th, and he hasn't even thought about where he will be living. Maybe he will finally move in with oW if they 'make up". this is a living nightmare and I just want it to end.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You know there is another possibility. I am projecting here but maybe......Your H's "friend" is just using that as excuse. In other words, often times we will use excuses that are convenient. She may be telling H that she might want to stop seeing him because of being afraid. That sounds pretty good and be a great way for her to break it off if she is leaning or even slightly leaning that way. Don't forget, there are so many dynamics going on in the skulls of the OP. If she is not digging the R with your WAS...she just might see an out so she doesn't have to say, "oops, I made a mistake...I know you upended your life for me...but I changed my mind". People don't want to do that but they will make up an excuse so they are not the bad guy...like....I'm afraid of your spouse coming after me.
It's a possibility. Just projecting...because I've done that in a previous life
H is filing for a divorce. I now see absolutely no hope for anything anymore. He will be here on the 29th and wants to get the papers going right away. Since I have exposed the A I have just made things worse for myself.
I allowed myself to push the issue and now I will have to deal with the consequences.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I feel your pain. You're going to be ok. People on this board are living proof that you can and will be ok. Better than ok. Anna is right, she has come miles from where she was. Read her threads if you haven't already. At a minimum, it will give you some laughs, that is guaranteed!!
You cannot control what your H is going to do. He will do what he will do. Your feelings and emotions are yours. Yours to feel. But don't let them control you. Instead, think about who you want to be and try to be her, even in the wakes of all your H is doing. Right now is about you. Take care of you and your children. You're going to be ok.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
faithandhope- I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know this is the worst possible pain and fear you could imagine. But I promise you, you are going to be ok. You will. Just worry about today. One day at a time. Alot of us have felt before that this time is it. It's over. And you know what? It wasn't. Your H is conflicted. He has been lying to you, telling you he still loves you, yet doing these aweful things. He is letting himself be controlled by his emotions of the moment, whatever they are. That is destructive. So you can't help him control his emotions, but you can be sure not to let your emotions control you and be destructive. Your feelings are real, they are valid, and THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Your H is making very poor choices. Unfortunately they affect you and your kids. But you can't control that. You can only know that these choices will come back to haunt him. But meanwhile, you make choices for you and your kids. Don't discuss your R with your H. I remember the days of extreme history revision, instigation of fights, complete defensiveness and attacking, and horrible things being said. You know what? I don't think my H can even recall it all. Your H's emotions are on a roller coaster too. Remember, with WAS's you have to really filter what they say, and don't hardly believe any of it. Including that he is determined to D. He may change his mind the next day. Who knows? Just do not let him bait you into arguing, defending himself or any of that. Any thing he can use to defend himself and justify his behavior, he will. Because in his heart he knows it's wrong and he can't stand to believe what he is doing, so his method of coping is to seek out to justify it to himself. So I recommend you use this time coming up to really mend yourself, get your PMA going, get centered and calm. When he comes home you are going to need to be a rock and not get sucked into his whirlwind. You can do this. To start, just deal with the intense emotions you have, and know this isn't about you right now. Your H's head and heart are bouncing all over the place. He can't get it together and you can't do it for him. You can only not let him pull you in to the nonsense. Don't participate. First, get yourself OK. Then start thinking about how to deal with him. BIG GIANT HUGS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I think reading Anna's thread may very well be good for you! Her humor would be good for your heart.
received this email from him. The past 2 dyas I have been totally berratted by him, and finally yesterday I told him that if he says anything else to put me down, or call me anymore names, i will hang up the phone. So, I ended up hanging up the phone, 3 more times. The he called the cell phone, and left 2 nasty voice mails, and 2 rude texts. about 2 hours after the Alien had calmed down he called again, and I let him know that "if you say one negative thing to me, my number will be changed on Monday and you will not have it" The conversation was light, but that was Ok. he said he was lonley. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?? he still denies the affair, even though I have all of the evidence. I do not think this email is sincere, but let me know what you think.
Dear XXXXXX,
True to your nature, you are very interested in my meeting with Barbra last night and cannot wait. You are interested in your survival as if life is something to endure. You have always behaved as if you are being hunted. Maybe I finally know what it is like to be a hunter.
The meeting? The meeting took an unexpected turn.
I decided to take control of my life.
First, let me tell you for the thousandth time that I have never been intimate with Barbra. I do love and care about her very much. She is my best friend and someone who listens to me and makes me feel valuable.
But, all day yesterday I was thinking about my priorities. I discovered that I was not a priority in my own life. I have never been. I also know and have always known that my children are the dearest, sweetest most wonderful blessing I have. They are my life.
I came to the very hard conclusion that I have things right now in my life that I need to get accomplished and I don't need distractions to take me away from those goals. Barbra did not reach my top priorities.
Much like your hysteria and drama and foolish attacks on my life, I have now put my relationship with Barbra away. I only have my goals and my priorities to think about now.
1. I need to find a job. That is what I have been telling everyone. It is my number one priority for my children and for me.
2. I am seeking a separation as soon as possible. I cannot continue with blurred boundaries. This is for me because your drama needs to officially end in my life.
3. I need to find a place to live.
4. I need to safely bring the family back to California.
These are huge tasks and I need to be focused to accomplish them. Unfortunately, it does have its costs. I will not be calling, emailing, texting, or visiting Barbra. She is not a priority. She has agreed to this arrangement and will not be contacting me.
If I can sever contact with someone who has consistently demonstrated her love and care and friendship with me...how much easier to sever the relationship of someone who has only brought me bitterness and grief?
I know this means nothing to you. All you want to know is what is going to happen to you... Can you expect the authorities to pay you a visit. If I were you, I would be on my best behavior. There are no intentions to press charges, but if there is even a hint of your continued harassment, you are [censored]. You have no idea how much follow-up has been done about your actions.
I will not provide you with anymore detail about my meeting. You are going to have to get used to a need-to-know basis for information.
Finally, I made this decision to prove to myself how strong I am and how focused I can be. I want to be in charge of my life. I want to be with my little ones. Everything else is a distraction and weighing me down.
I will not discuss this anymore.
Deadly Serious, Fred
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
FaithandHope~ I too doubt the sincerity of the email. IMHO, it sounds like he is setting the tone for what he will say in court. He sounds like he has something up his sleeve and I would be very weary of him. I just think for someone who sounds like he has absolutely no desire to give you any reassurances or any amount of respect, he made it clear that Barbra was not one of his priorities, that the R was not physical and that his children were his top priority (sounds like what a court would want to hear). Sharing personal goals with you is not consistent with his tone toward you. Do you have any reason to believe he would try to get custody of your children?
Quote: You have no idea how much follow-up has been done about your actions.
Do you have any idea what he is talking about?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Quote: I do love and care about her very much. She is my best friend and someone who listens to me and makes me feel valuable.
This is a strange thing for a husband who is telling you he is lonely to say. I wonder if he actually wrote this e-mail?
FaithandHope I strongly suggest you re-read Divorce Busting/Divorce Remedy, particularly chapter 6 on the last resort and after the last resort. I firmly believe that is the only thing you can do with this thing right now. You need to take control of yourself and the situation. You need to heal yourself. There is nothing you can do about your husband's behaviour - you can only deal with your own.
Please take some time out - regroup - and concentrate on yourself - just for 48 hours. Sleep, rest, eat well, run around the block. Look after yourself. Read the book. Don't call or contact your husband. Ignore him if he tries to contact you. Develop some goals and a strategy.
Please take care of yourself.
You are in my prayers.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
