Gabe - sorry I haven't been around much, but I wanted to say that you are one amazing dad. Even with all XW's crap you have managed to never forget how important S6 is and how all this affects him. Your son is very lucky to have such a wonderful dad.
So... you think I might like the warmer Atlantic or Gulf water out there? I will let you know if I am ever out your way and take you up on that offer--- And, yes... I will DEFINITELY wait until the hurricane season has passed!
I remember back in August when I was struggling b/c it was my anniversary... You posted something that really touched me... You said just know that my H walking away from our marriage had tons to do with him and what he is going through, what he is refusing to admit, what work he failed to do to help keep the two of us together. Gabe- our struggles sound very similar... Everything you shared with me about my STBXH can be used verbatim with your XW...
You mentioned that your XW thinks you are convincing S6 to want his family back... There are some WONDERFUL books that you can read to S6 that may be quite helpful for him to understand what is going on with his family right now. There are three that I know of that are written especially for children: 1). "Dinosaur Divorce"... by: Lauren and Marc Brown (Marc Brown is the author of the "Arthur" books which the kids in my kindergarten class just LOVE!) 2). "Divorced, But Still My Parents"... by: Shirley Thomas 3). "Divorce Is Not The End Of The World"..by: Ellen Stern
I think an important lesson to teach children is that you must do whatever you can to make a marriage work... However, when a marriage does end in divorce, I find that these types of books are extremely helpful for children to understand what is going on with all of the changes in their lives.
Thanks for the compliments. I have worked hard to keep my focus on S6. I think he appreciates that.
I had a fun trip to DC. Traveled with a group of older folks, a buddy from work, and handful of students. Trying to sleep on a train is no fun, but having a few beers with old hippies, learning how to travel cheap to places like Vietnam/Central America/Cuba/Tibet, sharing personal stories/jokes with new acquaintances was fun. The march/gathering was interesting/tedious/exciting. I mingled with many folks, helped shepherd
Whether in conservative or liberal circles, I find both flexible and closeminded people. I found my personal changes with DBing very helpful in listening to people's opinions while sharing and explaining mine, especially less popular one's like my spiritual/religious beliefs and how those fit/conflict with both major parties. I noticed that I left initially vehement folks satisfied that I heard them, yet I felt comfortable that I did not sell myself short, either.
I had two women bluntly tell me that I was a "very attractive" man. Although it may have been the beer talking, or my tie-dyed shirt , I found myself comfortable with those compliments, replying w/ a "thank you" and not minimizing them with jokes or distractions. Both were married women in their early 40's.
Its good to be home. XW hasn't picked up her phone in 2 days. I'm sure she's busy with her move, yet I'd like to see S6. I'll try again later today. I'm having some mixed feelings about her moving - sadness, with some excitement about getting 'home' finally. It'll be over 11 months by the end of the week. Her leaving to her own condo feels like yet another nail in the R coffin, but also some breathing/growing room for my GAL work.
Quote: I noticed that I left initially vehement folks satisfied that I heard them, yet I felt comfortable that I did not sell myself short, either.
In DC, that's no mean feat! I think that illustrates why we all look up to you here on the bb. Whatever your 50% was in the time leading to the bomb, you're so much the concious, thoughful man now that XW will be kicking herself in the butt for years if she doesn't turn toward you and a new R before you move on.
Congrats on the STB homecoming!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for that. I think Kevin has my Achilles heel down - talking before I think it out, especially with my temper flared. Its easier with others than w/ XW, and she would be the first to point that out. So I'm still learning there.
This afternoon went well. XW had left him at a friend's house so that she could focus on moving/unpacking. Sounds like she's not quite done - but soon!!! I picked up S6 and took him to Mass, then to C.C. pizza - the place with the mouse mascot. A veritable child casino - cheap food and lotsa ways to blow your $. In an exchange of calls, XW noted that she'd like me to start dropping/picking him up in front of her condo building. When she confirmed that the RO is still in place, I said, "I'd like to that, but with the RO in place and me not wanting to go to jail, I can't." We agreed to exchange at work for now. She thanked me for doing s/t fun with S6, as she noted that the weekend was hard on him (moving). Yeah XW! You're becoming S6's loving, thoughtful mother again!!!
At dropoff, I was beaming positivity and XW asked with great curiousity "So how was it?" re the peace rally. I filled her in on fun and exciting detail, crowd size etc... Told her and S6 that I took a pic with George W. (a lookalike ). She asked several questions and we shared some laughs and serious talk. I asked about her move, and validated a bit re her hard work. When she noted that "My life is miserable right now" I kept my assumed reason to her move. After she thanked me again for taking S6, I noted that I should go.
Good positive interaction overall despite moving day.
Quote: I think Kevin has my Achilles heel down - talking before I think it out, especially with my temper flared.
Something occured to me as I read this statement. Venusians tend to talk in order to process things. Could it be that this is your Venusian side coming out? After all, I'm a firm believer that all Martians have a Venusian side, and vice versa. Maybe if you could find a FF to bounce things around with when you feel the need to process in this manner? Just a thought...
I'm glad the trip went well. You could have hung out with an old hippie who would have said you were very attractive last spring, but OH WELL! Blew that one, eh? Just kidding, honey!
I'm sure your XW is miserable for lots of different reasons, and none of it has anything to do with you! Isn't that a wonderful feeling?
A perspective on this from the post-recon side of things -- I spent the night at SO's last night. After we ML, I told him that I noticed he does not gaze into my eyes as much or as long as he used to (this is something I noticed several weeks back). He told me that it is still b/c he is "working on coming back...coming back from a lot of bad choices." Clearly he is still processing a lot of pain and guilt he has caused himself in the past year. I simply reassured him about how much I love him. Then I found myself crying...and they were tears of overwhelming joy at being right back where I knew we both should be.
Whether you recon with XW or move on to a new and better R, this long hard road has all been worth it, my friend.
And, btw, this is the first I'd read of the RO. I'm sorry you've had to endure that on top of everything else.
Quote: I'm sure your XW is miserable for lots of different reasons, and none of it has anything to do with you! Isn't that a wonderful feeling?
I really have to hold onto this as a personal mantra. Her misery is not my misery. Or s/t like that. She continues to twist things that I say to be condescending, manipulative, etc... all to maintain some level of victimhood or is she still justifying the D? Regardless, it usually throws me for a loop, cause we may have just had a laughing, fun convo with a friendly g'bye, and she'll call or email a mutual friend to complain about me, say how glad she is to be rid of the M, etc...
According to FF, she's considering dating this unemployed somewhat unattractive guy, after being burned earlier by a younger, more attractive one. I already know that neither is comparable to me, yet I feel for her. Is she really that low in self-worth? Can loneliness be bought off that cheaply?
I've added to my achille's heels - one for each foot : 1) Thinking carefully before bringing up a touchy subject like S6; 2)Sleep. I am so much better at DBing when rested. Got 6 hrs last night and feel great, but I have a big sleep debt to recoup. No more game-playing. I'm taking care of my inner child by having my adult self set a lights out time much earlier than its been.
Martha, I need to reread M/V. I have LostinLimbo in town, and she helps immensely with local DB coaching. I really hope I can post about my post-recon side someday.... Thanks for returning to let us see it from your angle.
Actually, Gabe, I think your XW sounds pretty depressed and almost like she wants you to rescue her or she's regretting her actions (telling you she's miserable etc).
Andy would never admit that unless he was severely messed up. I don't think WAS's do.
Also, maybe she is realising the consquences of her actions (you not being able to go to her place to pick up S6 because of the RO etc).
I don't want you to feel left out by the voice of unreason.
So here comes my perspective with the requisite disclaimer.
As to how she feels about the D or herself or you or dating or coconuts?
WHO CARES?
As for her wanting to meet you at her place, understand it has NOTHING to do with you. Since I first took the kids to XW's house, I have not been invited back. She comes over here to pick up; her space, like her life are private.
You spend (in my for whatever it is worth opinion) an inordinate amount of time replaying and analyzing EVERY interaction with her in hopes of discovering some infinite wisdom about her or the R or D or something to let you know what on Earth is going on in her head. Then you are knocked back, when she spins the other direction because you gave too much hope to an interaction.
Yesterday, for little reason I could measure, I was in a crappy mood. Then I realized, much to my dismay, I had not talked to XW since midafternoon Sat, (the kids went with her after football) and we had an increased amount of communication the previous two to three days and then suddenly it stopped and I realized, while it was it no way significant, I missed it. I was still tying my ups and downs to her.
And you are doing the same. You want to see something that is not there. You want one of these exchanges to magically open her heart and mind. You want to give credence to the (perceived) positive and ignore the negative.
I saw marked improvement in your distancing and attitude and perception when you were thinking about you and actively involved in something. You become frustrated with her when you try and analyze and sort out HER behavior.
Thanks for posting - I truly appreciate your voice of reason. Is it just me, or are there a lot of departures from our forum this week? You are right about my overfocus on her and on the need to distance more from her behavior. The reality is that she does her WAS thing with little thought about me.
I repeated the need for a mutual, equidistant location for transfer, and this has her chewing on her consequence for the RO (inconvenience). Its not about me, but about her inconvenience. Nothing more, nothing less. Yet I felt better about standing up for myself. There will be far less resentment over time if I keep doing that.
I also noticed that my bad moods sometimes have little to do with her. This morn at pickup, I was in a bad mood. But it had more to do with sleep and a business dilemma and little to do with her. Sensing the bad mood, I didn't even interact with her, keep myself focused on S6, and left.
Perhaps we've gone our separate ways.
My gut tells me that she's thinking about us/me. Yet I have to stay focused on myself, and imbed myself in consitent GAL work - for me, and for S6.
-KIM
Just kidding, honey!