Thank you for the compliment on my thread last night...
I notice that sometimes when you speak with your XW that she seems "moody" or "stressed" (recently you mentioned that she looked unhappy and rough)...
I was thinking that she IS moody b/c a relationship did not work out... Her relationship with YOU!
She is bound to be depressed and especially b/c I am sure that there is a part of her that thinks she has made a HUGE mistake, but she is too stubborn or proud to admit it...
She IS going to be cranky, hurt, frustrated, and be grieving the lost marriage even though she was the one who walked away. Try to let her grieve without taking it too personally. Most of the negative stuff she does say or do to you is just a bunch of crap anyway...
She is probably riding an emotional roller coaster too!
Gabriel, you are TRULY a remarkable man! I am positive that you WILL find happiness and it seems you are already off to a good start...
You always have the ability to give me such a boost at the times when I need it the most...
You are SO right--- My husband IS going to have a "screamfest" when he finally gets what a rare woman I am!
(Poor guy!).... I think you are awesome, Gabriel... I read MANY of your posts to others and the way you give your wisdom to other people on this BB who are in pain... You are a wonderful person worthy of such great love! Your son is a VERY lucky little boy to have such an incredible father!
P.S.... You mentioned that the longer your hair gets, the grayer it looks and that you are tempted to dye it...
My advice-- There is nothing "sexier" than a man with a little bit of gray going on! DO NOT DYE IT!
Sending you warm thoughts from "Sunny California"... -KIM
Betsey - enjoy the scalp job. Thanks for the props about my fathering.
Merrick, I know the companionship thing is rough. I'm not ready to face/invest in a worthwhile R with someone, and I'm really valuing my self-worth/esteem that I've built up since the S/D, and not willing to dangle it in the dating game just yet.
Kim, you are like an angel falling from the sky at just the right time. Thank you for your comments! And you're right, I'll keep the hair natural.
Kim, you mentioned that XW is mourning the loss of an R with me. That is very true, and I need to be patient in that regard. She has a ton of anger and is still twisting history into a blame-game directed at me. Current versions of this include any communication about S6 turned into an "attack" on her parenting. Basic stuff like my request that she not use pull-up diapers on a 6-yr-old who's been dry day and night with me for 5-6 mo (he regressed a bit after the S), because I view it as stunting his development.
Anyway, a mutual friend told me that XW was dating a guy for 6-8 wks, then it ended (she wasn't sure by who), with XW claiming that he was a jerk, self-centered, and had a wandering eye: eerily familiar descriptions! She also noted that XW is pulling out of dating for a bit, has started smoking again (she quit when we were in the dating phase at my request), is drinking hard on days she doesn't have S6, and isn't exercising as much as she had. FF said XW thinks I'm convincing S6 to want his family back together, brainwashing him to pray for it. Isn't it at all feasible to a WAS that children can want their family and can dislike D?
This Friday she'll be closing on her condo, moving in this weekend. As of Fri, her magic piggy-bank of funds will be gone, and she'll have to live on salary and CS alone. I know the focus should be on me, and that she may still be falling toward her "rock-bottom."
Last night, we talked by phone (I had to call her re adjusting visitation this week), and had a nice convo, with XW sharing about work, us talking politics, and talking about S6. When I said that I respected her as a mother, she said, "No you don't." I asked what she meant, and she couldn't explain. Just a vague complaint that I couldn't understand. So I noted that 'sometimes we disagree, and I communicate what I believe to be right, knowing you may disagree, but that I hope we can openly communicate about him, b/c we both want whats best for him.' I repeated that I think she's a great mother. She seemed to relax, and shared more about her work (I was having flashbacks to her overfocus on work in our M - if only our convos were about us!!!). I asked if she was doing alright, and she said yes. Perhaps some missteps - I'm not sure: I tried to reassure her about my ability to be there for her without being judgmental(no response on her part). I also worked into some lighter moments how dating had hilarious moments - but the attempt fell like a lead balloon, and I dropped it. At a few points, she noted that she had to get back to work, but then started a new piece to the convo. I ended the convo by noting that it was getting late.
There is no false hope in me. XW continues to paint herself as 'recovering' from an 'abusive' M/R. She continues to hold me responsible for her past depression/unhappiness, although the good news is that Ex-OM seems to have some of that role now. While XW repeats her exploration of other grass - weeks and all, my job is to stay self-focused, keep building myself in a positive way, and keep my little boy safe and happy.
The controlling post was perfect timing. I know it's hard to keep your lip zipped when you don't agree with something, but when you always have a comment about something she does with your S, it will come off both as controlling and as disrespect for her parenting abilities (I find it hard to believe she'd have pull ups on him too, but couldn't you have handled it differently? For example...a question..."Has S6 been having accidents/wet the bed?") Or did you do that?
You handled the conversation otherwise pretty well. You're right. Your focus needs to be on yourself because your X has a long ways to go in terms of diffusing the anger. I've actually wondered for several weeks when your son's anxiety about you getting back together would come back to bite you in the butt. It's hard to manage it initially. You might want to try not discussing it at all. Avoid the subject a bit. It's not like you haven't talked about it before.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Gabe, I'm with Wes on this one in terms of the way your comment could have been interpreted as controling. Pardon my usual soapbox, but M&V buddy...M&V. Don't jump in to be Mr. Fix-It when she brings up difficulties in her life. Just listen. And when you disagree about something re:S6, think long and hard about how to communicated it so it does not come off as a critique of her parenting. Oh yeah...DR basics too -- affirmation, affirmation, affirmation.
And, btw, haven't we had this dye-job discussion before?? Or was it on someone else's thread. Either way, Kim is right -- DON'T DO IT, DUDE! As a single woman who's been "out in the jungle" I can spot these guys a mile away. And the first thought that always pops into my head is, "Poor guy...trying to look younger than he really is, using that stupid grecian formula crap. He should be happy he still HAS hair and it's too bad he doesn't feel better about himself." Then of course I would immediately write them off as potential date mates.
So ya see, dude, absolutely don't do it. It will only bring silent pity on your head. Capeesh? (phonetics, I know! )
I'm still not sure what she was talking about re her mothering. I sent her an email about various issues ~ 2 wks ago about moving, S6's school, diaper use, but after reviewing it, saw that I worded things very neutrally. Maybe I should have just asked, "What are you referring to?" In the past, she's taken such questions as defensiveness or an attack. Seems like unresolved global anger to me, to be honest. But I like the idea of really thinking thru my communications about him beforehand. Gotta do my homework before stepping on that minefield.
Martha! Girl, where have you been? Let me know when you have your first snow okay? That way I'll know when to start enticing you with FL weather reports so you'll visit. Not that I don't also miss your thong-wearing convos, M. But (no pun intended ) you are the best Mars/Venus tutor on the BB. You are so right about being Mr. Fixit. I left a message about Friday, telling XW I couldn't help her cause I'm leaving town for DC by then. I have to keep letting her solve her own probs, and merely validate & affirm. Affirmation galore - got it!!! In terms of the hair - you're right. I went with the haircut and it looks just fine.
Wes and M, this will be my mantra from now on. No criticisms and lotsa affirmations. I've survived OM1 already, but there are many more miles to go. I can do this.
Merrick, I just received my new tie-dyed peace sign t-shirt in the mail for my DC trip. Wear yours and lets meet for coffee in DC! I'm actually best described as a moderate politically - some issues far left, some far right some in the middle. I'm reliving my rebel Berkeley days for oldtimes sake. Keep me posted about your FL travels, would you? Same goes with all you DBer compadres. Mi casa es su casa. Well, by the start of October anyway. Woohoo!!! I can't wait to get back into my house!
That seems to be your Achilles heel, knowing what to say when. Let's not get into mine, there are too many. Remember the DB mantra, "If you're not sure what to do (or say in this case), do (say) nothing. That one has helped me a bunch where I would have otherwise stepped on my Schwantz. But, if I could do that, I probably wouldn't be in this mess.
I wish Martha would visit me. I'm beginning to think she doesn't like me anymore. I agree w/ her though. Why be fake? It shines through. Besides, you don't need to artificially turn back time to be a stud. After all, you're one of my bros. That's like a platinum card.
I'm fairly conservative, but don't hold that against me b/c I am usually able to look at both sides of the coin, even if I disagree.
As far as su casa, I want to come out for a w/e some time and go kayaking or something aquatic w/ you. I think it would be a blast!
So glad to hear I was your "angel falling from the sky at just the right time"... You mentioned that your XW continues to hold you responsible for her depression and unhappiness... In my opinion, her "dissatisfaction with life" (ie: depression and unhappiness) has more to do with a stage SHE is going through with herself and has LITTLE to do with you... It seems she is going through a period of questioning what she wants out of life and a time where she is showing signs of depression (ie: smoking again, drinking more often, less exercise, etc.)... Your XW definitely seems "grumpy" and unhappy... Unfortunately, as SHE sees it--- it was mostly b/c of you. It looks like she is dissatisfied with just about EVERYTHING and is desperately trying to change things and control things in an effort to make herself feel happy again. If only she would change HERSELF inside and stop looking to change you... Instead, she has been spending a great deal of her time focusing on YOUR flaws and is making them "bigger than life" and the target for all her bad feelings... She seems to think getting rid of you will mean all her problems will be over...
Gabriel, you are NOT the cause of your XW's unhappiness! I am sure there were things about your marriage that could have been improved and you are not PERFECT---(imagine that... you are NOT perfect! Gray hair and all! )... But, the emotions your XW is pinning on you have MUCH more to do with HER and the way SHE is handling her life right now. She feels so bad about herself and she is choosing to dump it onto you. (Sounds quite similar to my situation with STBXH... I am 99% convinced he is going through a MLC) Your XW's behavior is so similar to my STBXH in that they both were looking for an "easy way out"--- The funny tning is that although we are no longer a part of their everyday lives, they are still NOT happy! Obviously, we were not the ones causing their unhappiness b/c they still sound MISERABLE!
IMHO... you have to feel centered and good enough about yourself to not allow your XW's negative comments about you to define you. Her accusations are NOT a reflection of you... They are a reflection of the hurt and pain SHE is experiencing right now. Gabriel... you have every reason to be proud of how YOU are handling yourself, your strength, and the incredible man you have grown into... Your "So. Cal. Friend", KIM
Thanks Kim for your kind words. Let me know when you're out my way, will you? I think you'd love the warmer Atlantic or Gulf water here, but better wait until Hurricane season has passed...
Martha, wassup with the ditto, Girl? (j/k) I hear you both loud and clear.
Had a good eve with S6 last night, dropped him off at school a tad late and had to go to the office with him to explain his tardiness. Sure brought back memories of going to see the principal - yikes! S6 was so disappointed for being late, and I remember thinking - "Wow. This little guy really depends on someone remaining stable and steadfast in his life." And that someone will be me. XW will make her own choices but I won't let him down.
Had a few beers after work with a friend/neighbor who gave a talk in my last class today. He informed me of a handful of rather hot neighbors who are also recent entries into the D world, noting that he wanted to introduce me to a few of them.
I swung by work just now before I head to the gym in a few minutes, and XW and S6 came into the main office. Gave me a chance to give S6 some bear hugs and kiss on him, and XW started chatting about her move tomorrow. She noted that she was up until 3am working and I validated slightly (had a little buzz going and was distracted by S6). I think I was at least acting detached.
Quote: S6 was so disappointed for being late, and I remember thinking - "Wow. This little guy really depends on someone remaining stable and steadfast in his life." And that someone will be me. XW will make her own choices but I won't let him down.
You're just plain great, dude.
Quote: My DC trip is tomorrow.
I'm bummed we won't get together, but I'm getting hopeful that I can make Vegas. Might be more fun than wolfing down a meal with my kids complaining after the ride into the District with no Xbox in the car!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
-KIM 
Thanks for the props about my fathering. 
(j/k) I hear you both loud and clear.