Karen, Last night I said to my H that I know that I am a priority in his heart, but I also know that I am not a priority in his actions of the day. I come first, as far as things that he loves. I do not come first in the actual actions that he takes throughout the day and what he chooses to spend his time on. He does not spend time with me, etc. Being first in someone's heart is not enough for me.
I think you need to remind H that what you are asking for--stolen kisses and glances, intimate hugs, etc--are not exactly time consuming. There is no need to scratch any of his daily activities in order to insert these in. Shoot, sex can be done and over with in about 15 minutes if done properly. So what's the problem here? It is NOT a time issue.
It occurs to me that what we want from our former-seminarian husbands is to WANT to sleep with us. We say "make me a priority", they respond "I can't fit anything else into my day" but in the final analysis it's all about: I want him to want me. How does one make another want them? I can't change his hormones. I can't change his persnickety personality. Neither can he. Sorry to sound cynical, I'm not saying it's hopeless, only that I am not currently seeing how this is resolvable.
Karen, let me ask you this: Does your husband understand what the inevitable result will be of his continual avoidance of this subject? Does he realize that you will pull away?
My H is still amazed--shocked, even--that this has happened. Twice now I've said to him, H! Did you think that things would go on indefinitely with only me putting energy into the R? He said, Well yes I did. He is genuinely shocked that I've run out of gas. It had gone on so long that he assumed that this was "how it was". Now that I've yanked the rug out, he couldn't be more surprised. I wish I could say that this has resulted in drastic changes in him, but the changes are more subtle. I asked last night how he felt he was different and he replied, I will NEVER turn you down for sex again. I replied, Oh H, never say never. He did that muffled scream thing and looked up to the heavens to say, Ahhhh woman don't tell me how I have or haven't changed! and I instantly felt bad for doing that. Nothing worse than making true changes and having the other person scoff that you haven't really changed.
However.....................NEVER turn me down again?!? That sounds a little far reaching to me.
Anyway, I was wondering if your husband understands where this road is leading?
