H and I just exchanged a couple of very "tear in the eye" type of emails. I know that he loves me. He misses time with me. He can be a wonderful listener. I think he does struggle with self centeredness. He can be self centered and then feel selfish and guilty about it. At this point he feels selfish for training for his race and for taking time away from me to do so. He blames his being sore for us not having sex for the last two weeks. Know what - that isn't the reason. I've never been sure of the reason but achieving regularity in our SL has been an issue the entire R.
On the one hand I think it is an issue of not wanting to get too close. On the other I think it has to do with habitual avoidance of sexual urges. He is a good Catholic boy and used to denying himself. I think that there are some psychological and physical habits that he has that are maladaptive to developing a close R.
What to do? I don't know. He knows how I feel but he doesn't understand it. I think in his mind the fact that there are "reasons" we aren't ML should make me feel better. It doesn't.
What helps? I emailed him about a lady I know who just died in her late 40's leaving behind an H and three teenage sons. I told H my feelings about that. He seemed to be able to hear my need to find our moments together even though there a million hindrances. He wrote some really sweet things. What are my chances of his following through? Not good. I guess I don't really trust him on that. How sad.
