Amen to the band aids. I used to do all kinds of silly things like give H "sex coupons" or invite him for a bath "a deux". He never redeemed the coupons and is "too big" to share a bath with me. Those kind of things expose the insecurities and make it worse. Not better.
Vacations seem to be the only thing that makes it better. When H relaxes he is better. When H plays, he feels playful. How can we put more play in our lives? Hhmmm...I don't know.
Quote: That was my H to a tee. All the scheduled sex, romantic dinners, lingerie, etc will not change the fact that his sexual hang-ups are his to own and address. H and I tried the scheduled sex last year and that went up in flames. All of those techniques are band-aids covering up much deeper problems.
So have you addressed those deeper problems? Are they still there? When he decidedto become HD, what happened to the problems?
BTW I certainly agree what the lack of sex is NOT the only problem in a R that has a lack of sex.
Honey, you've split the atom-- I got lotsa questions!
Karen, At least vacations worked for you. H and I spent our HONEYMOON on a romantic weeklong beach vacation and had sex once or twice the whole time. And it was not that great. Big red flag for things to come.
Lil- The problems are a work in progress but the difference is that they are ALL on the table now and we do not AVOID them. Before, we pretended everything was just fine and then the bomb dropped. I've talked in other posts about us needing to both GAL, that was a huge one. We are doing that and now that issue is being addressed. Conflict avoidancebeing addressed, expression of emotions, especially negative emotions, is being addressed. I never really felt like H and I were comfortable really letting it all hang out so to speak. We didn't communicate any of our true feelings. Before I would never have dreamed of sharing my feelings of despair regarding my urge to experience passion with another person. Now, I have spilled my guts on this topic and he KNOWS. That alone is golden. I don't feel like there are any secrets. We see each other with warts and all now. That has created incredible intimacy that has spilled over into our sex life. Anything else you want answered Lil? I'll be happy to oblige.
H and I just exchanged a couple of very "tear in the eye" type of emails. I know that he loves me. He misses time with me. He can be a wonderful listener. I think he does struggle with self centeredness. He can be self centered and then feel selfish and guilty about it. At this point he feels selfish for training for his race and for taking time away from me to do so. He blames his being sore for us not having sex for the last two weeks. Know what - that isn't the reason. I've never been sure of the reason but achieving regularity in our SL has been an issue the entire R.
On the one hand I think it is an issue of not wanting to get too close. On the other I think it has to do with habitual avoidance of sexual urges. He is a good Catholic boy and used to denying himself. I think that there are some psychological and physical habits that he has that are maladaptive to developing a close R.
What to do? I don't know. He knows how I feel but he doesn't understand it. I think in his mind the fact that there are "reasons" we aren't ML should make me feel better. It doesn't.
What helps? I emailed him about a lady I know who just died in her late 40's leaving behind an H and three teenage sons. I told H my feelings about that. He seemed to be able to hear my need to find our moments together even though there a million hindrances. He wrote some really sweet things. What are my chances of his following through? Not good. I guess I don't really trust him on that. How sad.
What you just said "I guess I don't really trust him on that."...was almost the EXACT phrasing I used that seems to have popped my LDH out of his shell.
When I told him "I just don't trust you to do what you say you will because you simply never do" you'd have thought I dropped a ton of bricks on him. Trust is a BIG deal to my H and to hear me say "I don't trust you" really rattled him...more than me saying "I won't stay in a R like this indefinitely."
I said that to him nearly 3-weeks ago now...and his behavior at home really has changed. He's now following-through on he nights "he" suggested (with the exception of my B-Day weekend when mother nature came calling), and he's now become much more physically affectionate in much more adult ways...ways that are much more sexual in nature.
He wants to be near me more, he's not so reserved in demeanor, his comments (when appropriate) are more adult/suggestive in nature as well. Not to mention...he simply seems to be more relaxed around me, not so stiff...he just appears happier and not so guarded.
Karen, Last night I said to my H that I know that I am a priority in his heart, but I also know that I am not a priority in his actions of the day. I come first, as far as things that he loves. I do not come first in the actual actions that he takes throughout the day and what he chooses to spend his time on. He does not spend time with me, etc. Being first in someone's heart is not enough for me.
I think you need to remind H that what you are asking for--stolen kisses and glances, intimate hugs, etc--are not exactly time consuming. There is no need to scratch any of his daily activities in order to insert these in. Shoot, sex can be done and over with in about 15 minutes if done properly. So what's the problem here? It is NOT a time issue.
It occurs to me that what we want from our former-seminarian husbands is to WANT to sleep with us. We say "make me a priority", they respond "I can't fit anything else into my day" but in the final analysis it's all about: I want him to want me. How does one make another want them? I can't change his hormones. I can't change his persnickety personality. Neither can he. Sorry to sound cynical, I'm not saying it's hopeless, only that I am not currently seeing how this is resolvable.
Karen, let me ask you this: Does your husband understand what the inevitable result will be of his continual avoidance of this subject? Does he realize that you will pull away?
My H is still amazed--shocked, even--that this has happened. Twice now I've said to him, H! Did you think that things would go on indefinitely with only me putting energy into the R? He said, Well yes I did. He is genuinely shocked that I've run out of gas. It had gone on so long that he assumed that this was "how it was". Now that I've yanked the rug out, he couldn't be more surprised. I wish I could say that this has resulted in drastic changes in him, but the changes are more subtle. I asked last night how he felt he was different and he replied, I will NEVER turn you down for sex again. I replied, Oh H, never say never. He did that muffled scream thing and looked up to the heavens to say, Ahhhh woman don't tell me how I have or haven't changed! and I instantly felt bad for doing that. Nothing worse than making true changes and having the other person scoff that you haven't really changed.
However.....................NEVER turn me down again?!? That sounds a little far reaching to me.
Anyway, I was wondering if your husband understands where this road is leading?
Gotta run to school now. Later. 