Thanks for the thoughtful replies. H and I are both psychologists so we have done the jar demos. Living them seems to be another story entirely. I especially like the beer one because I firmly believe that there is always room for small pleasures.
I will try to address Blackies post because there are good thougths here.
___________________________________________________________ You and your H sound REALLY active. 4 kids from college to baby. Careers, etc. Your H trains for triathalons..... I did this from 17-21 when I moved to Alaska. Too chilly. it takes butt loads of time.
Mrs. NOP's ideas in the beginnging were excellent. I wanted to talk about the scheduling and 15 hours/wk for just you two, and extracurricular activities. ___________________________________________________________
Yes, we are horribly active (stress on the word horribly). Actually we have 4 college kids currently in the house, three little kids and about 14 former foster kids that still stop by regularly for Sunday dinner and a little advice. Mrs. Nops ideas are excellent.
The issue that H keeps challenging me with is "what can we stop doing?" Can we stop my hour commute to a job that I love and the income that we need? Can we stop helping kids with homework and taking them to scouts. We have already limited their extracurricular activities. H trains for triathlons to give him incentive to excercise. He isn't competitive about it and he has recently discovered that his cholesterol is high and the exercise is more important than ever. I completely support him on this. Furthermore, he uses his excercise time to spend time with whatever kid is interested in going too. We do pretty well with going to dinner a few times per month and are going away for WWME in November but regular, during the week time is nonexistent. I could live with that if H would concentrate on little touches here and there, a real kiss every day and sex 2 or 3 times per week. Even that seems insurmountable to him.
they get knocked off and you made a mess. ___________________________________________________________
You mentioned some good things about tonality and non pressure approach to asking for what you wanted. When you are up too it, time to implement this new/remembered information. ___________________________________________________________
My H seems to respond best to a completely non-pressure approach in which I still speak his LLs. It often doesn't increase the sex, just makes the HH very pleasant.
You also mentioned how your H takes care of the details when it is something he likes, he doesnt assume you dont want to do it, because you didnt take care of the details. He isnt a cheerleader, thats not his personality... something he needs to work on probably, but not something you should take personal. Take a lesson, take care of the details when it comes to something you want to do together. ___________________________________________________________
Good point on the cheerleader stuff. That isn't his style at all. I did take care of all the details on the November weekend (my birthday) and it does work well when I do that.
I didn't want to drag an unwilling partner there like I often have into my bed assume he wants to, even if he mumbles, or acts negative. Its good for you, forcing you to work on a insecurity, good for the R. ignore and plow ahead. Assume the positive, if he didnt want to be there, or do things with you, he wouldnt, he is 'self-centered' remember? ___________________________________________________________
You are right about this.
___________________________________________________________ scheduled time together and scheduled sex arent 'fun' at first, but they do become great. ___________________________________________________________
H flat refuses to schedule sex. ___________________________________________________________
can you participate with your H in some way with the Tri. traning? ride a bike along while he is running? ___________________________________________________________
Actually, H forces himself on the fitness thing. I can't go because someone has to be with the small ones. Physically I could train to the point where I could join him for the bike or the swim or part of the run but he does use this for kid time and I think it does save us time in that kids who want his time go with him.
Oh yeah, what exactly is his religious issue, has he verballized it, are you assuming?, have you scripturally countered? ___________________________________________________________
H is a former seminarian. I think the relgious issue centers around service and sacrifice. When he decided not to be a priest he decided to serve God another way. His way is fostering/mentoring youth. Religiously, sex comes absolutely dead last after acts of service to God. He hasn't directly said this but if you look at how he spends him time you see how his priorities stack up.
I also believe that he has a lot of insecurities and anxieties around sex that keep him from being sexual. This is his deal. He has to want to deal with those. I can't do it for him. I have anxieties about abandonment and personal attractiveness. I have to deal with those.
H is turning 40 next month. He just mentioned the other night that he is taking it pretty hard. He is taking it so hard that he actually said that maybe we shouldn't have another baby (something he wants more than anything in this world) because of his age, our already stretched time etc... He seems to be in a bit of a negative emotional spiral which cerainly doesn't help.
Also, if I were to guess at the biggest disappointment he has in me it is probably that he feels that I am angry or disappointed in him. He really wants to be my Hero and the fact that I feel unloved, undesired and unsupported as a woman upsets and confuses the h@ll out of him. I don't know how to handle this.
