Let me chime in on the animals. I like animals but I am not obsessed with them. We don't have anything but fish in an outside pond right now and I am happy with that.
Against my better judgement I let my PMS and my disappointment at yet another sexless weekend get to me. I brought it up with H and he recited another predictable litany of all the things that make him tired, frustrated, etc... After an hour of that I tried to sum things up and end the conversation by kind of "summarizing". H saw that as reasserting my original point and letting him know that I still felt all those same things.
Then he blasted me. At the top of his lungs he told me about three things he was ticked at me about and basically let me know that I was selfish (without using those words). In his mind, wanting us to have a SL equates to me saying, "I want everything. Me. Me. Me." We got to a better place by the end of the convo in that we reached civility again. Once again I feel that H got to "get out of" things to an extent becauase he was able to prove his point to show me one thing we acn let go in order to have more time for ourselves." We also got back into him feeling like a bad husband and me being disappointed.
I am wrung out. I fought his wall and in the end his wall won. I am completely exhausted of this. I hate the place we are in now. I am in my crucible. "Why do I insist on begging this man to want me?" "What do I get out of prodding the sleeping bull of his insecurities?" "What do I get out of even asking the question of why don't you want me."
I need to realize. H wants me or he doesn't. Mostly he doesn't. If I plan to continue our life together then I better get real with that reality. I guess I better figure out how to be happy as a "single" woman with H as my occasional lover. Oh boy.
