That goes along with what many C's will initially ask you when you first start therapy. "What if this is just who this person is, can you live with that?" I have been asked that question by 3 counselors about my H; it's the 1st thing each of them asked me.
Some people are simply the way they are. It's not necessarily a mattern of a pattern. I don't know why it bothers me so much that people keep looking for patterns in LD/HD behaviors...it just seems to. I know people look for understanding and patterns can help...but sometimes it is as simple as this is how a person is.
There are things in our lives that can influence our SD: kids, family, work, addictions, hobbies, hormonal changes etc...that we can control and work with. Sometimes however, it is simply that this is who the person is we are living with.
For many of the people on this BB I do believe there are more issues at play in their R's, most of them I do believe can recover what they had or want...I believe this is definitely attainable.
For some though I think sometimes they are wanting their spouse to be someone they never really were to begin with. Take my parents for example. My mom has NEVER been (in my memory of her) many of the things my dad wants her to be....i.e. outgoing, more social. She has ALWAYS been very shy, very quiet, very introverted...not into going to parties, not into socializing because she is so painfully shy. Dad now though gets so frustrated (38 years later) that she isn't more outgoing. We talked one day and he said "well she used to be!" I told him that to my recollection, she has NEVER been the way he wants her to be...so why is he now so unhappy with who she is? Why is it that now, almost 40 years later he wants her to change to be someone she's never been...or at least that I have never known her to be and would find really hard to believe she ever was?
See, I think I can be ok with some of the things in my M because I've accepted that perhaps this is simply just who my H is. Some of his behavior goes along perfectly with the profession he's chosen....airline mechanic. From what our C has explained to me, many people in his high-stress profession behave the same way he does....very emotionally contained, very stiff on the exterior, very controlled with their actions and what they give out. She has seen several couples just like us in her office where the H has the same profession as my H...with similar problems to our own. I found that interesting.
Does that mean my H cannot give me what I need...no. My H may have certain behaviors that are simply a part of who he is...but that doesn't mean he cannot learn how to give me what I need too. And now that I know certain behaviors of his are simply who he is...I can accept that there will be times he won't behave as I'd "prefer". He most likely will never show "desire" as I'd like to see it. But if I can learn to recognize what his shows of "desire" are...then I can learn to accept & appreciate that....and work with it.
Over the past year I have had to redefine many things for myself and have found things like "desire" come in many forms. But if I am looking for my H to show me desire within my parameters of what it should be...I may completely miss how HE shows me he desires me.
And as for a deep connection...I think that's something else that could be re-defined. Your W may think she has one with you CeMar, but it's not within the parameters of what you view a "deep connection" to be so you miss it.
