I am reading a book called "In the Mood Again." Some of it is old hat - sexual resonse cycle, basics of communication etc... The part I like is about exchange of power and makes the point that noboby wants to have sex with someone that they perceive as weak. To the HD in the relationship - if the begging, bugging, discussing about sex comes across as whiny or weak - forget it. We've already discussed that the LD partner holds all the cards so to speak but this book gives some concrete examples of holding on to your own power when discussing these kinds of issue - stuff like body language and voice are key.
Makes me cringe to think of the times that we have had the "why aren't we having sex" discussion and the only thing I was able to do was to cry something like "why don't you love me/want me anymore" - guess what - he didn't want to have sex with me when all I could do was cry about it.
Unfortunately, I don't think that simply fixing our communication and exchange of power issues will take care of things. Nor do I think that I can just work on bettering my feminine whiles. I think that some of the problem has to do with my H really having no idea what to with his sexual feelings, with anxieties, with bumping up against his relgious background with stuff that I can't fix. He has to figure all that out for himself. I don't know if he is motivated to do that. I don't know if I have patience with that lack of motivation.
Just e-mailed H about the weekend. He pre-emtively emailed me that he would be up for sex tonight and Sunday but that Saturday he would be too tired because of his training for his next triathlon. And he threw in a "lets go to dinner Saturday." I'm trying to look at this in a postive light. At least I got the "go" on two nights but if it turns out to be just me and my efforts there in the budoir - it won't happen (ok it would probably still happen but I won't be happy about it). Are we sharing power there? I don't think so.
