Quote: Case in point... Our church is offering Italian lessons and H was really excited about this. I said, "oh too bad I have cheering practice with DD8 that night." He decided to take the class which is fine but he never expressed regret that we couldn't do it together nor did he even sound as if he gave a sh!t whether I was interested in it or not. Also, about two months ago I sent him an email about some ballroom dance classes that were starting in the fall for 6weeks on a night we could attend and he just let that one drop even though he had said a long time ago that he would be interested in taking dance lessons together. I don't care if he takes the class I am just getting tired of having every bid for togetherness blocked.
Karen, I recognize these situations/thought patterns. It sounds very much similar to the earlier years in our relationship. The continuance of which led to my eventual emotional disconnect in our marriage. You seem to be feeling that same sense of "I'm not important to him" that began to permeate my being. It's hard to observe the excitement he has about the things he finds interesting, while noticing the lack of that excitement towards you and those things you find interesting and want to share with him. True?
The pattern you reference above is one we also exhibited. If NOP was interested in something, he made the arrangements, executed the plans and I often played cheerleader to it - because I wanted him to enjoy it. If it was something I was interested in, I would propose it, but not follow through with the planning and execution because I kept waiting for him to be as excited about it as I was. Where was my cheerleader, kwim? Without his reciprocal excitement, it wasn't fun for me and I would just let it wither on the vine. At the time, he probably just figured it wasn't that important to me, otherwise I would have followed through with it. Big seeds of misunderstanding.
I remember you referencing the all guy trip he does and your feelings of being hurt that you don't see that same excitement from him towards you. I bet that you would't be so jealous of his guy trip, if you ever got to experience the same sort of emotions from him toward anything the two of you were planning together.
I don't think your husband lacks love for you. What he probably has is a streak of self-centeredness.
Quote:
We went to dinner Saturday night. It was nice. H talked incessantly about the kids or his newly discovered high cholesterol and the need to change his diet. Any time I tried to bring up an "us" topic he was noncommittal and moved on. Our neighbors are splitting up after one year of M - I don't plan to leave but am I doomed to an emotional divorce?
No, you're not doomed, because you are armed with knowledge. I don't know that starting a relationship talk is best done while out dining.
Think it through, Karen. Write it down. Flesh it out. Get to the place where you can put it fully into words rather than trying to convey it while sitting in the puddle of inexpressible emotion.
My poor choice was to continue to suck it up, with the occasional emotional outburst, and bury the hurt and resentment deep and let if grow for a couple of decades.
I know that it's not fun, or romantic to feel like you have to fight for the basics of a relationship. The Harleys recommend a minimum of 15 hours of togetherness every week. That might be the way to approach it - scheduled togetherness. Which initially may be as exciting and bonding as scheduled sex.
How much time do the two of you get alone with each other every week?
