This feels like honey...

[Mellers]

Hi anna123, sage and dfb!

dfb, good to hear from you again, too! Glad you've been doing well -yeah, post again - I'm sure everyone would like to hear about your success!

anna123, nice to meet you I'm pleased that you've drawn some comfort from my post - I felt exactly the same way. I scoured these posts for any crumb of hope and inspiration, and when I couldn't be online, my scribblings and printouts kept me company. I seemed to learn something new from them every time I read them...

My learning curve was pretty steep, but the more I changed myself, the more I realised that I wasn't becoming someone "different", although my actions were very different - I was "re-becoming" (if that makes any sense ) the girl I'd always been, but that girl had been dormant for a long time. She was underneath layers of depression, sadness, defensiveness, self-pity and heartache.

My instinct is to learn, to read, to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible. By following that instinct, I was being true to my nature, but the thing that really challenged me was knowing that I had to put the theories I learned about, and that resonated so deeply with me, into practise.

Changes in communications?

I pulled back - totally
I stopped mailing BF constantly (I mean about 5/6 times a day)
I stopped calling him - I only got the answering service anyway...

Both these things were difficult - I had to sit on my hands!

When he did eventually come round, I let him lead the communication - I waited a suitable amount of time before replying to him, and when I did reply, I was friendly, light and upbeat.

He was comfortable with e-mailing, which continued for a few weeks and then he suggested MSN Messenger nights, where we ended up talking for 2/3 hours - strictly friendly - I always signed off first That went on for a few weeks as well

Then one night he rang my mobile! After I'd signed off from MSN, he said "Oh, just in case you need to get hold of me, here's my number" !!:) Although I was ecstatic, I didn't call that number - not once - for about 3 months. He called me all the time, however!
The first time he asked if he could come and see me, I actually had plans! So I didn't have to lie. I was so pleased about that!

After about 3 years of nothing, we'd finally gotten to the stage where he was calling to ask if we could go out!

Changes in interactions?
I smiled, I laughed , I made sure I always had something interesting to talk about, something that I had done. And if I hadn't done anything, I made it up

I have a dog, so when I felt like I was going to ask "awkward" questions, I said "I'm just going to walk the dog - want to come with us?" and changed the situation. The dog has been very helpful to me during DBing, though she doesn't realise it She was something to diffuse things, pay joint attentions to, etc.

Changes in my life?
I accepted invitations to go out, I went to the gym, I got a dog, I went on a trip to London on my own, I re-decorated my house, I watched comedy DVDs, I saw more friends, I relaxed, I wrote, I gardened. Now, I had done all these things prior, but I had stopped - it was like I had just stopped existing - I slipped under life's radar.

I kept a detailed diary of everything that I did - every little thing - I needed to keep track of where I was going, and sometimes, where I was going wrong. I set down my goals, and they were small - "Get up and get in the shower every day" - seriously. Some of them were bigger - "BF will call me" and they all got accomplished. Once I saw my successes, however small, they spurred me on to keeping on track, and they inspired me to think of even more goals because I knew I could achieve things.

My spiral started spinning the other way...

Well, those are some of the things that I did, and there were many more, and I no longer wonder about how things will end up between us.

The other day we were talking about me changing career and possibly going back to university, and he said: "You have to be happy, and I'll go wherever you want to..."

I came to piecing because I want to keep these positive changes happening, and because one of my goals now is to get married. But I'm not desperate for it to happen right away.

All the best
Mel:)