Bud,

I'm only going to say this because I hope you'll get the spirit in which it's meant. "What are you smokin'?" hehe

"I almost wrote a check on your account today...but I didn't!" Then you could say, "Oooh, that makes me tingly!" OMG.. this is gonna keep me doubled over in laughter ever time I think of it! I have to give H credit. He's very good at expressing his feelings for me. I couldn't ask for more in that way. He has a huge supply of pet names for me and often shares loving feelings, says how special I am, is sure to compliment me on my looks and lets me know that he desires me. No prob in that area. Used to be, but since he said ILYBINILWY and went through that period of time when he didn't have a lot of positive feelings for me he seems to relish them now. That and he knows he can charm me into bed with him. Yes, I do see what you're saying. I know something specifically that would get him to share more if I wanted to show him that I'll meet his needs if he meets mine.

But the problem is I think the things I'd like him to share are things like your wife has been sharing with you lately. Not sure breaking out the thongs are gonna get that convo started When I typed the post above I was thinking about general sharing of how he's feeling and that's going to have be the first step. It might be easier to get there than I think because not long ago, he was doing that, but I resented it because I wanted to see him taking action towards getting a new job and being responsible (Gawd, I can be such a demanding b*tch) I think though that he has so much inside him that he has to deal with. I worry about that and want to be here for him, but I'm not sure he'll ever let me in that deep. He is going through SO much right now. I tend to underestimate (especially on here), how much he's struggling with his depression (because I've been blaming him for his behavior and just want him to play nice). I think you're right that I could encourage and be successful to get him to talk more.

He's a caretaker, yes, but he's also expressed a need for me to take care of him that way too. Today I let him baby me. I feel like crap. I've went from the couch, to the bed, to the computer, gotten up randomly to do a few things and check on the kids. I can tell it's been a hairy day for him. S2 is sick too, so he's worrying about us. S5 and D11 are healthy as horses and climbing the walls because we've only been out of the house for a few hours since friday. H was positively about to jump out of his skin this afternoon. I asked him what was bothering him and he said basically:

"nothing, I'm just trying to take care of you and the kids" "I have a lot of nervous energy, I'm eating everything in sight (he's worried about his weight.. he's put on 20 lbs and it's starting to show), my medicine is making me shake again, the braves won't hurry up and win this game, Ty is driving me nuts because he's not listening and we havent been out of the house"

Add to this that I know he forgot yesterday was his mother's 60th bday and he didnt call her or anything. He's been at odds with his parents the last months and hasnt talked to them in a few weeks. He finally called today and left a message for her. My mom called and talked to him while I was napping, but his Mom hasnt called him back. He made a flippant comment about it, but I'd like for him to share with me how he feels. Why? He's distancing himself from his family and I don't see an end in sight. He keeps saying he's being stubborn and the phone lines and road go both ways. They're being stubborn too. He had a huge blow-up with them three months ago and although they've talked since, the blow-up has never been mentioned and the problems have never been worked out. They are confirming everything he's ever thought. That they love his brother more, that he's not important to them, and that they only show him any attention when it's convenient for them. I want to be here for him, but I don't know how. He has lots and lots of issues that he keeps bottled inside of him. He releases the pain and hurt by getting tense and irritable. He rarely has the comfort of knowing that someone understands because he won't open up. He says bits and pieces to me like, "I'm a failure", "I'm driving myself crazy wanting to find another job", "I hate what I've put you and the kids through and I know I need to change, but it's hard" "I get afraid when I think I'm always going to need my medication and fight this depression" "I guess I know how my parents feel because they haven't even tried to call"

He admits that he's on an island at times. He doesnt want to share because he feels weak, guilty and afraid. When we ML he says it makes him feel close to me and stronger because he doesnt feel so alone. If we're swimming along on the surface, he still keeps all of that bottled up and then he's REALLY reluctant to share anything other than what he thinks I want to hear because we're happy and he doesn't want to bring us down. Does this make sense? I can go along like everything is fine and act as if... he'd go with the flow, but underneath he might be miserable. That's the way we handled our life after the divorce. On the surface things were FABULOUS. Under the surface, he was falling apart and I couldnt see it. That's what got us here. I hate to play a part in creating that "happy family" mirage again. And yet, I'd like to jump back in and do that so he can relax and be happy on the surface again saying "I'm well fed, well f*cked, and well loved..the wife's happy, the kids are happy, what more could a man ask for?"" Pretty crude, but it I think it sums up his expectations of his life.. then a bump in the road comes and the mirage disappears.

I want for H what he wants for me. For him to feel loved and secure no matter what. If I ever mention leaving him again, then I should probably be shot, huh?