BigAL! HI! No, I don't mind at all. In fact I'm honored that you travelled over to help!
you have to let a little crack in your armour show
You'll want to be mad because you allowed yourself to not be strong.
True love means you can be weak for the one you love too. H is the only one you will allow to see that
Whoah. You've got me pegged! But it's SCARY to be weak! I don't want to depend on someone else to take care of me because they always let me down when I really need them. Yep.. that's me. You're right though, absolutely. And that's the special connection that is missing between us, but the thing I long for. I long for security when I'm weak. I guess I'll have to allow myself to be weak in order to see if H is gonna catch me. I know that will be a major change for me, but I'll be kind and do it slowly for both our sakes. There's another part of this too. I go so far as to convince myself that he resents it when I'm weak. I have a knee that locks up from time to time. It just locks bent and is very painful. The last time it happened we were S. I called him and he was hateful, pointing out that he needed to get up early, etc, but would come and take care of the kids if I wanted him to. Bear in mind that I couldnt walk! D11 had to get my crutches out of the attic. We managed. But, the thing is... H called back after he dealt with his frustration (and at the time he was battling deep depression), and said "I'm coming over to take care of you". I was so stubborn that I refused his help and added it to the list of ways in which he doesn't care about me or love me. I realize I did this last Nov when my knee went out. I was so frustrated to be stuck on the couch that I was irritating him. I used his irritation to say "see, I can't even be hurt without him being irritated and tense with me" I totally choose to mis-read his intention in order to build up that I need to be strong because I can't depend on anyone. Then if I'm strong enough, I won't have to fear depending on anyone else and getting hurt. In HS I broke up with a guy that I was dating. On the back of his senior picture he gave to me, he wrote "You're a little bit of everything beautiful. I wish you luck in your quest for independence and to never depend on anyone else for happiness" I still have that picture.. one of the few I've kept. I memorized it because I used to think it was complimentary and I was proud someone thought I was beautiful and independent.. if only I'd have read it for what it was! Thanks BigAL. Maybe this time it'll sink in.
That's not weird for a woman Oh good.. I'm still a girl! I'll have to think about how to ask him for that. Our sex drives are very compatible, so I don't see me withholding to get the words. I have asked him to talk during though.. LOL. hmmmm... maybe if I talked and shared with him heartfelt things after, he'd be more likely to open up to me? Nothing deep.. sure not gonna discuss our R or anything like that. But maybe if I share my feelings, he'll share his. I'm timid about doing that unless it's a two way street, but maybe someone needs to open the door. Like I could share something intimate while we're cuddling after, and maybe when it becomes a normal thing for us, he'll start sharing his thoughts and feelings too. Here again, I'm probably a big part of why we're not meeting this need of mine.
He knows he doesn't open up, but I'm not sure I've made it safe enough for him to do that, or acted on trying to encourage that. I've said it.. told him, but that's not getting it done!
