Shelia,

If you don't mind. I would like to jump in a bit...

Ya know Bud, I say I'm the caregiver in this R, but I believe I'm wrong. There's a difference between being responsible and being the decision maker and being the caregiver isn't there? *light bulb* How could I have missed this all these years? H is a CAREGIVER!! D*mn. I've totally blown off his need to care for me by being so independent.

This is a major realization! It turned on a light bulb for me too. My wife, like you, didn't allow the caregiver role. The dynamic is very tricky, but you are in a good place because you have realized it's there. So yes, I know you feel guilty for getting nothing done. I know you want to let him get all the sleep he needs, but you have to let a little crack in your armour show. Please be careful. You'll want to resent it. You'll want to be mad because you allowed yourself to not be strong. Don't. True love means you can be weak for the one you love too. H is the only one you will allow to see that. It's a special connection between the two of you. Keep that in your heart.

Could you think on something if you get time and see if you have any ideas? He said he "misses me", which means he wants to ML. But, I think the break is good for us in a way. When we ML and have physical intimacy, our verbal communication level goes way down. He feels very close to me, but that's not what makes me feel closer to him. I'd think it would mean we'd talk more if he felt closer, but it doesn't. His need for intimacy and closeness is met, but it decreases the thing that most makes me feel intimate and close. Now, I'm not one to withhold at all because PT is huge on my list. It might be weird for a woman, but sex doesnt = love to me. It equals physical pleasure. Words and sharing thoughts and feelings = love to me. And I'm sure a big part of it is that in order to truly realize the intimate connection in ML, I need the words and sharing first, then I feel close enough to get beyond the merely physical in bed.

That's not weird for a woman. It's typical. I understand. You and H have a cart and horse problem. My wife and I too. Worse still, if you let him put his horse first, you don't get what you want in return. Can you share this with him somehow? Can you say "Let's make passionate love. I want that with you. When we are done, I want you to hold me and talk to me about everything. I want to stay up half the night ML'ing and then talking. If you do this for me, then maybe we'll stay up the other half of the night ML'ing again " I don't know. Use your own words or don't use words, but use actions if that's better. He doesn't truly know this is going on. You need to find a way to let him know.