Now watch; when it gets to 75 days I'll be saying, "Has it *really* only been ten days? Will this *ever* end?" LOL.. I hear ya! That's why I'm counting. I lose focus EASILY so when I'm the one whining that I can't go on, would you please remind me that it takes 45 days for something to become a habit? And that's what we're going to have to do. We're both seeing results and baby steps. I'm not sure though that conciously working on positives in my M has become a habit. I do it for a few days, see results, then go back to my old habits.
I'm gonna work on seeing my H as the person I want to meet my emotional and physical needs. For 85 days, there are no other options. Being on my own isnt and option.. dreaming of a perfect R with someone else isnt an option.. the only habit I can have right now is H! Allowing my mind to escape out of this R is not serving my M very well at all! I might not be out there looking for someone else, but I still allow my mind to wander off course and think, "what if?"
he feels like dealing with your irrationality is going to be easier that dealing with whatever might come from not doing what you don't want him to do. Would you come and stay and be an interpreter for awhile, please? Yep, he picks and chooses what he has to deal with and since he minimizes me alot, I can see this. He tries so hard to do what I want all the time that I think he actually has to minimize my concern in order to act on his own. He's playing games in his mind I think. He gets set on a course where he believes he's taking care of me(us) and ought to be pleasing to me, it's virtually impossible to interrupt that. Like the ice cream.. I'm sure he's already told himself it would make me happy if he brought me an ice cream and even my insistence that I didnt want anything couldnt keep him from doing it because regardless, he was being a "nice" guy and taking care of me by doing it.. even if I didnt see that.
Does he possibly see you as too driven, or way too concerned about being late, to the point where you're irrational about what time you want to get up? He does see me as driven and independent. He was kidding with S19 yesterday that I'm stubborn about letting other people take care of me. I got up yesterday with a cold and he keeps telling me to relax. I know I'm that way.. not often sick and hate to be coddled when I am. I feel intense guilt about not being up doing what a mother and wife should be doing. I usually cook a big breakfast at least one day on the weekend, but didnt feel like it. This morning I got up and made homemade muffins just so I wouldnt be neglecting everyone. Truthfully, they would eat a pop tart and be happy! As for the lateness.. nahhhh. It's a joke that I'll be 15 mins late for my funeral. Exactly 15 though..lol. Which is why I wanted my clock set 15 mins earlier.. I'm having a hard time getting all three kids ready on time in the AM. H needs a lot of sleep and I think he feels guilty about that. I used to go to bed and sleep 10 hours to make him happy, but it was wearing me out. He gets up at 3:30AM.. he definately needs more sleep but denies himself that. He's always pointing out how much more sleep I get than him. It explains the balance in our energy level and why he can't maintain the level of energy that I do. The fact is, we're different. He needs 8-10 hours of sleep and I need 5-7.
See if you can impress on him the idea that when he doesn't honor your requests, it makes you feel like he's treating you like a child and you're very uncomfortable with that. Ya know Bud, I say I'm the caregiver in this R, but I believe I'm wrong. There's a difference between being responsible and being the decision maker and being the caregiver isn't there? *light bulb* How could I have missed this all these years? H is a CAREGIVER!! D*mn. I've totally blown off his need to care for me by being so independent. He coddles the kids.. fusses over them when they are sick. He does the same for me as much as I let him. He thrives on that. He was studying to be a nurse before he dropped out of college. He's the guy that his family called when his elderly aunt needed someone to check in on her and give her a little extra care between nurse visits. He gave his Dad a kidney.. insisted on being the person to do it. Wow.. I bet it would go a long way towards raising his self esteem if I allowed him to baby me and take care of me.. you think? I've screwed this up.. I used to (not in a long, long time) joke that I didn't need a wife. Could it be that I help tear down his self worth by rejecting the thing he's best at and that makes him feel the most needed? He always says "Sheila, just let me love you and take care of you" I keep trying to put that in the box of what I need him to do to love and take care of me. What if I see what he's doing HIS way and give him credit for that.. recognize that it's his way of showing love. Wouldnt we both be happier? We take care of physical touch which is a biggy for both of us. Reading the 5LL is on our list of things to do, but in the meantime, I'll let him baby me and make sure I express my appreciation. Does that mean he's a WOA man?
A positive.. we're going for the floor project. H said last night that we work well together on projects. I agree. It's occured to me that we havent had a project to work on together and our best times have been when we're doing that.
He also said that yesterday was a good day with no bad feelings between us. He noticed
Could you think on something if you get time and see if you have any ideas? He said he "misses me", which means he wants to ML. But, I think the break is good for us in a way. When we ML and have physical intimacy, our verbal communication level goes way down. He feels very close to me, but that's not what makes me feel closer to him. I'd think it would mean we'd talk more if he felt closer, but it doesn't. His need for intimacy and closeness is met, but it decreases the thing that most makes me feel intimate and close. Now, I'm not one to withhold at all because PT is huge on my list. It might be weird for a woman, but sex doesnt = love to me. It equals physical pleasure. Words and sharing thoughts and feelings = love to me. And I'm sure a big part of it is that in order to truly realize the intimate connection in ML, I need the words and sharing first, then I feel close enough to get beyond the merely physical in bed. Sorry if this is way TMI to you, I was just wondering if you have any insight because you're such a smart guy!
