85 days, huh? That doesn't seem so bad. Now watch; when it gets to 75 days I'll be saying, "Has it *really* only been ten days? Will this *ever* end?"
I know his biggest fear is that I'll walk away from our R. I'm not going to mention doing that.. that I've given it until the first of the year, or do anything that will feed that fear.
Absolutely. If for no other reason than that the first of the year may come and go and you'll have seen enough progress to stay the course but not enough to decide you're over the hump. So you'll want the freedom to extend the deadline without having to stress about it.
It just makes no sense when I asked him nicely to not spray and he did it and didnt care if we breathed in the fumes. There has to be something to that.. he does that all the time.
Okay, I can relate to this. And the ice cream story, too. I was really bad about this before and though I'm much better now, I still backslide occasionally.
One problem is that there are instances (like with the spray), where he feels like dealing with your irrationality is going to be easier that dealing with whatever might come from not doing what you don't want him to do. Or he just gets it stuck in his mind that now is the time to spray and if he doesn't do it now he'll forget again for another two weeks and it's just better to do it right now. There are also his insecurities pushing this. He'd rather piss you off by spraying when you don't want it than by not spraying and having you think he's incompetent (or having himself think he's incompetent). Though I doubt he's consciously aware of that. Probably all you can do in these cases are try to build up his self-esteem and hope he learns to tame down the inner demons that drive him like this.
The other instances (like the ice cream and the clock) are tougher. I know it comes across as condescending when he does something different from what you've asked. And in some ways it is condescending though he doesn't realize it. With the ice cream, I'll bet he couldn't convince himself that you really didn't want any. He couldn't think of a good reason why you wouldn't; maybe you didn't want to spend the money, maybe you felt like you were inconveniencing him, and those weren't good reasons. So he got the ice cream figuring worst case you wouldn't eat it but would still appreciate the thoughtfulness. Of course, you feel pressure to show appreciation for something you don't appreciate at all. You've been put on the spot. And that sucks, too. And the alarm thing...he thinks he's doing you a favor. It is quite condescending for him to decide when the alarm should go off for you when you've already told him what you want. But he just doesn't see it. Does he possibly see you as too driven, or way too concerned about being late, to the point where you're irrational about what time you want to get up? (I'm just saying in his mind, not in reality.) Somehow you've got to get him to trust you enough to do what you ask for even when he believes you're not thinking straight about what you've asked for. A start would be trying to convince him that you're willing to take the heat for your mistakes. You want to make your own mistakes so you can grow from them, and you don't want him to help you by going against what you've specifically said, because that won't help you learn. If you tell him you don't want ice cream and he doesn't bring you any, even if you change your mind, or realize you really did want some after all, you won't hold him responsible for doing as you requested. And you'll accept it if you decide you want some and he doesn't want to go since he's already made one trip (but still give him the opportunity, in case he really wants to do it for you). See if you can impress on him the idea that when he doesn't honor your requests, it makes you feel like he's treating you like a child and you're very uncomfortable with that. As a grown up, you're willing to be responsible and own up to it if you make a mistake and he was involved in carrying out your wishes.
You put together a helluva good plan, Sheila. Now I've gotta see if I can do the same.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
