There are 85 days until 1 Jan 06. Yes, I'm counting!
H got up with the kids this morning. It's the first day of 9 off for him and six for me. He offered to take us to visit with my mother, but I don't think that's a good idea right now. I'm tired and me and S2 woke up with a cold. S2 is sound asleep snuggled in H's arms as I type.. too sweet. S19 is home and sleeping. Lazy, lazy morning here.
DAY 1
Well, I've given it some thought as to how to proceed with this, and why H might be lying and hiding things from me. Most likely fear of failure since he's trying to take on more financial responsibility. I think I need to be supportive in that, but not have expectations that he's going to be perfect. We need to work together. Good news is that he hasnt overdrawn his personal account in months. So, while he's withdrawing from ours and hiding it, he's progressed from hiding it altogether to hiding it until the withdrawal hits my bank account.
I know his biggest fear is that I'll walk away from our R. I'm not going to mention doing that.. that I've given it until the first of the year, or do anything that will feed that fear. If he's afraid to confide in me because he's afraid he'll lose me, we'll never make progress. We were talking often at one point and he was sharing. That has stopped and he's now telling me what I want to hear again.
So, two things I'll do. I'm going to be willing to talk about the finances with him and accept his ideas and if he messes up, we'll just deal with it. He'll either stop hiding things, or he wont. Time will tell.
No matter what he says, does, or doesnt do.. I'm going to let him feel secure with me and that I'm here for him while he tries to change the things he says he wants to change. He has a list and he's making progress. So, I'll support him, but I wont pry, ask questions or expect him to make progress at the rate I think he should.
And, I know H needs a great deal of affection and attention. He needs to be held and loved. He likes it when I take care of him. I used to make his meals for work, iron his uniform, just pamper him. and I was planning our couple time. I'm going to start doing that again. Not in a smothering.. lovey dovey way (meaning, I wont be leaving little notes and sexy cards for him), but in a way that shows I care about him. He might cut back on his spending if he doesnt have to buy food at the airport and that'll relieve some stress too.
I'm going to try to do this without allowing him to manipulate or control my emotions. Meaning, I accept how I feel about our R and want it to be better. I realize that I can only control half of the R, and am not going to allow him to "talk" his way through contributing his half. If I want or need something, I'll continue to ask for it, but only he can decide whether he'll give it or not. That's a given, but if he refuses.. I'll not question him on it, or point it out, but accept that he didnt want to, couldnt, whatever. We get into most of our arguments when I shed light on that. Then he makes an excuse, I feel like he doesnt really understand or hear me because he plays down my feelings and it ends up with us being on different teams. He does this over and over and so do I. In R things as well as practical matters. I wonder often if it's his way of controlling our R passively and showing me that I'm not in control. Results were better when I asked and then let it go.
He's been doing some weird little things that I dont get. Like.. he was insect treating around the baseboards (routine thing) and was doing it with everyone in the house. I asked him to not spray it in rooms that me and the kids were in. The kids ended up in the bedroom with me, and I said "hey, could you wait to spray this room until it dies down a little out there? That stuff makes us cough." I really couldnt understand why he picked that time to do it at all, but whatever. Anyway, the next thing I know, he's in the room spraying and we're all coughing. Then he says "It's not that bad.. you're over-reacting". Ticked me off. He used to do that with air freshener around S19 and he cant breathe aerosols at all. Later I heard H coughing. It just makes no sense when I asked him nicely to not spray and he did it and didnt care if we breathed in the fumes. There has to be something to that.. he does that all the time. I wanted an ice cream sandwich when it was hot at Auburn last weekend. Well, the machine was broke. We went into the stadium and awhile later he got up to get something. Asked me did I want anything, and I said no, I'm waiting to eat dinner with S19. He said "you sure?". I said "yes, positive" Next think I know, he's handing me a dove ice cream bar. Which is very sweet of him. But I didnt want it. I didnt want it because it was getting chilly... I wasnt hungry.. and it has 22 grams of fat! H is very aware of my eating habits and used to respect them. He's a vegetarian (we both used to be vegan), and the only meat I eat is chicken. We watch our fat intake and he depends on me to keep him straight by not cooking stuff he can't eat. so anyway.. small deal, but he is always asking me my opinion and then disregarding it. Even as far as asking what time I want to get up, and then setting the alarm for the time he thinks I should get up! If I set it.. he checks the time and asks why I want to get up so early. These little nit picky things are not gonna break our R. I just wonder what's behind them. It's like he wants to show he cares by doing things for me, but then doesnt agree with what I think I need from him. Because truthfully, I cant see the conflict he would've had between the choices above.. spray or not spray... ice cream or no ice cream.. 4:45AM or 5:00AM. I've mentioned this to him and he says he knows he does that,but isnt sure why. Any ideas?
Day one, I'll see how it goes. H just came in and rubbed my back and asked if I'm still mad at him. He said ILY. And he asked what I want to do today. Asked if I have a cold or sinus problems. Discussed going to my Mom's or not. And then I asked him what he planned to do with his week off. He had wanted to put in some new flooring and was doing research on it, but didnt follow through. We'll see. He is so used to me planning stuff. So, I've gotta get off here and talk to him and help him make a decision. He really wants to go see my Mom for some reason. Well, maybe because me and the kids are so happy when we're with her and he sees going as a gift to us. His parents have a habit of that kind of things. They'll do something hurtful.. it's usually like the blow off an important occasion for the kids, then buy them something later.
