But...no caffeine? SERIOUSLY? LOL.. My doctor actually told me to let him know if I figure out a way to give up caffeine entirely. So, I'm decreasing dramatically. Last week was a major overload, but I don't see doing without a cup of coffee, iced tea, and diet mountain dew forever Just a couple of cups a day so I don't get so wired. You oughta see me on coffee and chocolate.. major ADHD!

Three of my co-workers have Raynaud's.. go figure. But one in particular had a bout that lasted 4 years and disappeared. He said it was during college when he was in a bad relationship and it stopped when he ended that R. Stress is also a contributor, so I wonder if that's a big part of it too.

I was meaning advice setting up budgets and dealing with financial issues. I'm gonna have to treat you like the engineers I work with. I'm the budget guru... repeat after me.. "I'm the budget guru".. LOL Seriously, you'd have better luck getting the last century of sports statistics out of H than a workable budget. Not that he did a bad job, but he gets credit for just putting together numbers that look like our expenses and income!

I actually love to manage our money.. or would love if H would play along. That plan I did (at H's request) and spent hours on was a seven year plan to being totally debt free. I was SO excited. It meant future freedom for us financially. It wasn't important to me that we be debt free although I love the idea. It was important because I thought that H saw there was a different way to live and to conciously choose where our money goes. When he was laid off, I thought there were a lot of things that we could've cut back on during that time, but he thought we should struggle to keep up our standard of living instead. He chose debt over cutting expenses for awhile. I went with that, but his decision wasnt a concious choice.. it was just him deciding to not do anything even though we took a dramatic cut in income. He just covered that cut by making debt. He even let us take a pricey vacation to VA beach when he knew he didnt have a job to come back to. He told me about losing his job the day we returned. It was painful that he hid that for a week and knew we were spending money we'd need while he was out of work. He knew if he told me before we left that I'd have cancelled the vacation and he viewed that as a bad thing for the kids. I see that as responsible. It strikes me as weird that he didnt think bouncing thousands of dollars of checks on his personal account was bad for the kids when the money came out of our savings to cover it and they had to do without some luxuries this summer (vacation, a play-yard he promised, etc) That bothers me! OK, I'll get off my financial soapbox..lol

You ramble impeccably. What a charmer

I'm really trying to figure out a good strategy for handling that scenario, but haven't come up with anything yet. When you feel up to it, maybe you can put your mind to figuring something out as well. In the meantime we can meet here and commiserate as long as it's healthy. Maybe things will look better in the morning?
 Thanks for the shoulder Bud. I've been near teary-eyed all afternoon. I'm not a cryer, but I feel so dejected about this. H says he has a character flaw.. he has a problem, etc. He needs to take better care of me. Sigh.. I don't have any answers. It always comes back to this for us. I know I'm not perfect and that I contribute to our problems, but seriously, the man drives me insane with this stuff. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. He was a sweetheart while I wasn't feeling well. He finished dinner tonight without me asking. He does so many things that I notice and appreciate, but they're not the things I need. Hell, I could hire a housekeeper and be happy without him trying to take care of me in that way. What I need is someone who's honest, respects me and cares about my feelings. I ask him for what I need.. I'm up-front about my feelings. I'm not demanding and really am pretty easy going. If I ask him not to write checks on my account and he does.. why?!! And cleaning the kitchen isn't going to erase that. Why not put the energy to the problem at hand? He has worked his butt off the last week being Mr. Mom and uses that as an excuse for not going to the bank and making the changes we agreed on.

He said once that he does these things in part to get my attention. Today he thanked me for being angry at him.. I apologized and was explaining how sorry I was because I had a tissy this morning. I told him that I don't like who I am in our relationship. It's like a wave sucking me out to sea. He said "No, you're right to be angry at me. I guess I didnt think it was a big deal (WTF?!) and now I see how I can't do that. I lie to myself and it helps me get on track when you bring it to my attention how wrong it is" The C told him that I'm not his conscious. I think he hit the nail on the head. I always play that role for him... he depends on me for that. I express his anger at himself too because he knows he's out of control and doesn't like that in himself. He's told me that. I feel like I'm in the middle of a warped self punishment ritual and I DONT LIKE IT! Bud.. how can I extract myself from that? Any ideas?

I've hid the checks. Hate to do it, but he won't have an opportunity again. So now, how do I keep from being his conscious and expressing his anger by venting mine? This is dragging me down in a big way. You know how I said I burst into the door at night ready to see my babies? I didnt want to do that today. I stayed at work a little late working on a project because I'm off all next week.. I tied up all my loose ends thinking "I really don't want to go home and deal with this"

So yeah, I need a plan. A detached plan that puts H's responsibilities on his shoulders and allows me to be the person I am... how do I be a teflon stone? Live here like his friend unless I see a way to be a couple again? Treat him like I'd treat a good friend, and make it clear that certain things must change in order for us to move forward as a couple? I'm terribly weak.. I get so sucked in by him being loving and affectionate.. and then I get kicked in the butt. I feel guilty for being angry and judgemental.. I feel guilty for having boundaries. He's such a "nice" charming guy at times that I forget how he can sting me when I least expect it. I told him that I don't feel loved when he chooses to do things that hurt me. He said I'm crazy to feel that way.. that he worships the ground I walk on. Isnt that just a little manipulative?


Often I look at W and I see so much to love. But if I zoom out and look at the big picture, I wonder if I'm just letting myself feel trapped by her health issues.
What's the truth? I feel the same way. I feel like a hostage in this R so much of the time. It's like I'm living with two different people. One I love, and the other is flawed beyond what I could ever live with. It's just a toss up figuring out which one will show up day to day.


But IIRC, you've said you were going to stick with it through the end of the year. Please remind me if that's right. I need something to get me motivated and hopefully keep me motivated for awhile. If you still think it's reasonable for you to keep going that long, I'll commit to doing it with you. We'll keep our hearts open and let ourselves be vulnerable at least that much longer. Maybe not every day, but as a general rule. We can share our joy and disappointment here along with our friends. And we can work out more details of this agreement if you think it would be useful to you. Think it over and let me know. Yeah, I'm in and thankful that you'd offer a pact of sorts. It would be good to work out more details.. I definately could use some insight because I'm at a loss on how to live right now!

What is the balance to getting totally sucked back in, but still giving the R a chance? Have you figured that out? How do we keep our hearts open and vulnerable without playing a part in the drama? This is very confusing to me.. love unconditionally without expectations and see where it takes us? Refuse to be a part of the drama, but do it with kindness and respect?

Our sitch's are different..I have to deal with H wanting us to continue a normal married R. You have to deal with staying committed when you're not sure what you're committing to. Gosh, I have the same problem - I know H wants the R, but not sure he can/will change and stop the lying, etc.. well maybe you do too, because outside the physical R and acknowledgment that you're still H and W.. you're doing your husbandly duties admirably and she's expecting you to.

Have I confused things enough? LOL

H said something today about us not talking and being open with each other enough. That we need to start doing conference tables and sharing with each other on how so that we are communicating and not at odds so much. He knows that I'm here through the end of the year, and did ask that I make an effort during that time. I shouldve honestly dropped the rope. I totally blew it today by even mentioning that I knew he lied to me and hid his spending. I wonder how he'd have handled it if I had ignored it? You're a smart guy Bud.. I let my feelings about what he's doing and thinking about living with this for the rest of my life demand a solution to the problem right now. I hate this limbo not knowing if he'll change and I want off the roller coaster. So, I'm on the coaster for the next three months. I commit to that. Maybe that'll give me the freedom to ignore the feelings that demand an answer today because I accept that the next three months might be painful and hard, but I'll never know unless I live them, will I?

I honestly don't know what I'd do without the people here, and especially you come in when I need hope and strength. <<<BURGBUD>>> Whatever the thing is that's better than "You Rule Like a Big Slobberin' Dawg.. you're it!