A BIG hug for you because I understand the stress of losing your H to that place and all the crap that comes with it! I do wish you lived nearby so we could take a walk and talk with each other. Just knowing the person Im talking too understand (even if I'm being irrational, judgemental, and childish..lol) helps so much. I have a lot of friends here, but I'm a transplant so not any family except H's. I stear clear of them most of the time because they are snobs with a capital S. Well, they're who taught him to keep up appearances, hide the truth if it's dirty, and problems shouldnt be discussed because that's what makes them real.
Yep, H knows that's why I'm cranky on Sundays..not sure about Weds, that's always been a slow day for me emotionally for some reason. Do I think it would be worth mentioning to your H? If you're not sure how he'd take that.. maybe you could do something different to change the mood of that day for yourself. Whatever your routine is, can you change it up? If going to work with him is making you anxious.. maybe you could go separately that day. We had sitch where I would pick H up at work to go to counseling and it made me angry when I saw OW. I loved picking him up because we could spend an hour together before meeting the C and we'd eat and talk first. But, the stress and emotions of being at his workplace spilled over into the week and by the time I got over my feelings about seeing her, it was time to go to C again. So, I stopped doing that. It helped. I've always been fascinated that God tells us to guard our hearts. I've pondered that a lot and have thought about the sitch's that I allow myself to be exposed to.. the people I'm around, etc. And I realize that He's telling me to take care of myself emotionally. DR talks about that too, and it's helped us.
hmm hmm hmm.. creating the weekend on some level constantly. How can you do that? Do you do anything to re-connect in the evening when you get home? Does he come home stressed out from work.. do you? Awhile ago before the munchkins totally took over, H and I used to spend 15 mins laying on the bed together after work just hugging and being close. I can't remember us saying anything to each other, but we always snuggled up and relaxed before dealing with anything at home. We don't do that anymore. It would probably help if we did. It was good way to focus on what's important and leave the office behind.
Hey, where have you been this week? I've been SEWING. Can ya believe it? I thought of you while I was hand stitching the letter "A" on a t-shirt. I was ashamed that I didnt get my sewing maching out! I also sewed on a bunch of velcro by hand.. bad idea, but I finished. My D11 wanted an outfit to wear to pep rally's and I made her a t-shirt. We cuffed a pair of capris and I fixed them so we could velco wide strips of ribbon in her school colors on the cuffs. We used the velcro so she can change the ribbon to Auburn colors or whatever. We made a ribbon belt to match. She looked pretty cute And today I found a fabric purse that matches a skirt that she bought. I sewed some flower appliques on it and added beaded trim. I'm mentioning this because it's one of my GAL things. When she and S19 were little I was the Mom who painted shirts for every season, and did crafts all the time, but I stopped when the boys came along. I love being creative. This week when I couldnt do much I started that back up and gosh, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it. I'm gonna work on halloween shirts after the boys go to bed tonight. H helped them paint pumpkins after dinner and i made caramel apples... yum! Was a nice evening
Hey Bud! It's sweet of you to check on me I'll try to make this short (but you know it's not likely) My heart is is great shape! YAHOO!! They made me stay on the treadmill the whole nine mins so I could tell everyone I'm in above average shape for a 38 YO woman. So, that's what I'm saying
Very interesting discovery though. The Dr. told me to gradually decrease my caffeine intake and I had to go cold turkey for all the tests. My heart stopped racing. Today when I had a cup of coffee.. it started again. I went to my family Dr after the heart results to talk to him about my circulation probs and he's concluded that I have Raynaud's syndrome. So, no caffeine or nicotine for me anymore. It makes sense though.. and don't laugh at me for being an idiot, K? Last week when I worked late there was a lot of food in the office. I brought stuff I knew I'd eat that was healthy, but we also had A LOT of chocolate cake, cookies, etc.(And I'm a chocoholic at heart!). Also, I was drinking so much coffee... about 4 times what I usually drink because I was introduced to hazelnut creamer and I couldnt get enough of it! Late nights, coffee, chocolate. Well, you get the idea.. I should know better! I've suffered for a week, but today my chest feels much better. My heart isnt racing. And I know what to do to help the Raynaud's. Just a few more tests, but I'm relieved!
After all of that do you still want an update? Did you know your last post would give me much food for thought? Not much said, but it did! Good thought though. About me being the WAS that H has somehow kept in this R. And about me seriously deciding to change without depending on him to change first.
That thought and I think him changing his meds has helped. Things are going good right now. The atmosphere is different around here too. Not sure why.. maybe because we've been focused on other things besides our R. H's attitude seems much different. He's offered to take me to visit my Mom next week. He's taking a week off work to stay with the kids on fall break and I didnt ask him to do it. Today he was talking about looking for a job in my home town to be near my family. Thats major.. he's never mentioned that in 18 years. I asked him if he's serious and he said "I'm not saying No to moving near your Mom" Doubtful that we'd do that, but for him to consider an option other than us just living the life we have, is big. Mr. "go with the wind" is thinking about the future and creating change? hmmmmm..
Anyway.. were you referring to needing advice from H because he's DB'd me as a WAS? He really did when we were divorced. Hadn't thought about that until your post actually. I tried to consider the course of our R and it was mind boggling. I definately fit the script, but isn't it strange that I'm the one who ended up here on the BB? I'm the one who is the most likely to run from the R, yet I'm the fixer who was bound and determined to save it this time... all the time leaving that door open to scurry out it! I remember a convo with H months ago and making the comment that I'm proud of myself. I didn't think about moving on in terms of wanting a R with someone else to cope with him moving out. I did that after the divorce.. I started dating a couple of months after he left. Over the last last 16 months, it's never occured to me to turn to another man for anything. It sounds bad, but that's maturity for me. It's scary too though because that means I know I could/would be alone if I need to be. Meaning, I wouldnt stay in our R just because I need to be with someone.
Any thoughts.. or was I way off?
Hope you've been doing well in Va. I havent had much time to check the BB the last few days, but I'll catch up soon! Thanks again for checking on me. I know I ramble too much and fail at being impeccable with my words... lol Yes, you're definately a prince BB!
AAAAACK.. the roller coaster just keeps going. H has lied to me yet again about financial stuff. I'm pretty hurt about it and feel "sick" inside. Like I could pull the covers up over my head and cry for a weak really. I just don't understand.. never will understand. We've been working on this for months and I feel like he'll always lie and hide things from me. Every time I feel like letting my guard down, I take a boot in the butt. It sucks! I don't know how we'll ever make this work.. and I'm so unsure that I even want to anymore. Part of me thinks I have to stick it out because the kids would be devastated, but then I contemplate a future of pretending with H I hate that thought. And, I wish that I didn't know the destruction an A would unleash on my life or I'd probably be looking for an EA to escape to myself!
Gosh, it would be nice to just enjoy a man's company, not have to worry about how/when I was going to be lied to and hurt, and RELAX. It's chilly here today. I just want to cuddle up and do nothing and feel loved, but that's not gonna happen in the near future
Thanks for listening to me whine.. it helps t get that off my chest.
I'm glad you found out! But...no caffeine? SERIOUSLY? I almost went all day today with no caffeine. I usually drink about 2 liters on a workday. I was sleepy in the afternoon but I'm not sure if it was from the caffeine or not. Gotta cut back. Eventually.
Anyway.. were you referring to needing advice from H because he's DB'd me as a WAS?
Sadly, no. But that's a pretty good idea. I was meaning advice setting up budgets and dealing with financial issues. A little ironic considering your next post (more on that later).
I wouldnt stay in our R just because I need to be with someone.
That's awesome. It's scary, but I can't come up with another way that really works well.
I know I ramble too much and fail at being impeccable with my words
No way! You ramble impeccably.
H has lied to me yet again about financial stuff. I'm pretty hurt about it and feel "sick" inside.
ICK! I'm so very sorry. You've worked so hard at this and have been rewarded at this time with another disappointment. I know exactly how you feel. Well, maybe not exactly but pretty darn close. I'm really trying to figure out a good strategy for handling that scenario, but haven't come up with anything yet. When you feel up to it, maybe you can put your mind to figuring something out as well. In the meantime we can meet here and commiserate as long as it's healthy. Maybe things will look better in the morning?
I just want to cuddle up and do nothing and feel loved...
Exactly. We deserve that and we'll have it again. Perhaps even with the two people we're cohabitating with right now. You've said it looks somewhat hopeless in your sitch and you don't even really want it right now. Again, I totally relate. Often I look at W and I see so much to love. But if I zoom out and look at the big picture, I wonder if I'm just letting myself feel trapped by her health issues.
But IIRC, you've said you were going to stick with it through the end of the year. Please remind me if that's right. I need something to get me motivated and hopefully keep me motivated for awhile. If you still think it's reasonable for you to keep going that long, I'll commit to doing it with you. We'll keep our hearts open and let ourselves be vulnerable at least that much longer. Maybe not every day, but as a general rule. We can share our joy and disappointment here along with our friends. And we can work out more details of this agreement if you think it would be useful to you. Think it over and let me know.
My heart is is great shape! YAHOO!! They made me stay on the treadmill the whole nine mins so I could tell everyone I'm in above average shape for a 38 YO woman. So, that's what I'm saying.
And that's what I love hearing! That kicks a$$!!!
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
But...no caffeine? SERIOUSLY? LOL.. My doctor actually told me to let him know if I figure out a way to give up caffeine entirely. So, I'm decreasing dramatically. Last week was a major overload, but I don't see doing without a cup of coffee, iced tea, and diet mountain dew forever Just a couple of cups a day so I don't get so wired. You oughta see me on coffee and chocolate.. major ADHD!
Three of my co-workers have Raynaud's.. go figure. But one in particular had a bout that lasted 4 years and disappeared. He said it was during college when he was in a bad relationship and it stopped when he ended that R. Stress is also a contributor, so I wonder if that's a big part of it too.
I was meaning advice setting up budgets and dealing with financial issues. I'm gonna have to treat you like the engineers I work with. I'm the budget guru... repeat after me.. "I'm the budget guru".. LOL Seriously, you'd have better luck getting the last century of sports statistics out of H than a workable budget. Not that he did a bad job, but he gets credit for just putting together numbers that look like our expenses and income!
I actually love to manage our money.. or would love if H would play along. That plan I did (at H's request) and spent hours on was a seven year plan to being totally debt free. I was SO excited. It meant future freedom for us financially. It wasn't important to me that we be debt free although I love the idea. It was important because I thought that H saw there was a different way to live and to conciously choose where our money goes. When he was laid off, I thought there were a lot of things that we could've cut back on during that time, but he thought we should struggle to keep up our standard of living instead. He chose debt over cutting expenses for awhile. I went with that, but his decision wasnt a concious choice.. it was just him deciding to not do anything even though we took a dramatic cut in income. He just covered that cut by making debt. He even let us take a pricey vacation to VA beach when he knew he didnt have a job to come back to. He told me about losing his job the day we returned. It was painful that he hid that for a week and knew we were spending money we'd need while he was out of work. He knew if he told me before we left that I'd have cancelled the vacation and he viewed that as a bad thing for the kids. I see that as responsible. It strikes me as weird that he didnt think bouncing thousands of dollars of checks on his personal account was bad for the kids when the money came out of our savings to cover it and they had to do without some luxuries this summer (vacation, a play-yard he promised, etc) That bothers me! OK, I'll get off my financial soapbox..lol
You ramble impeccably. What a charmer
I'm really trying to figure out a good strategy for handling that scenario, but haven't come up with anything yet. When you feel up to it, maybe you can put your mind to figuring something out as well. In the meantime we can meet here and commiserate as long as it's healthy. Maybe things will look better in the morning? Thanks for the shoulder Bud. I've been near teary-eyed all afternoon. I'm not a cryer, but I feel so dejected about this. H says he has a character flaw.. he has a problem, etc. He needs to take better care of me. Sigh.. I don't have any answers. It always comes back to this for us. I know I'm not perfect and that I contribute to our problems, but seriously, the man drives me insane with this stuff. I feel like I'm losing my mind at times. He was a sweetheart while I wasn't feeling well. He finished dinner tonight without me asking. He does so many things that I notice and appreciate, but they're not the things I need. Hell, I could hire a housekeeper and be happy without him trying to take care of me in that way. What I need is someone who's honest, respects me and cares about my feelings. I ask him for what I need.. I'm up-front about my feelings. I'm not demanding and really am pretty easy going. If I ask him not to write checks on my account and he does.. why?!! And cleaning the kitchen isn't going to erase that. Why not put the energy to the problem at hand? He has worked his butt off the last week being Mr. Mom and uses that as an excuse for not going to the bank and making the changes we agreed on.
He said once that he does these things in part to get my attention. Today he thanked me for being angry at him.. I apologized and was explaining how sorry I was because I had a tissy this morning. I told him that I don't like who I am in our relationship. It's like a wave sucking me out to sea. He said "No, you're right to be angry at me. I guess I didnt think it was a big deal (WTF?!) and now I see how I can't do that. I lie to myself and it helps me get on track when you bring it to my attention how wrong it is" The C told him that I'm not his conscious. I think he hit the nail on the head. I always play that role for him... he depends on me for that. I express his anger at himself too because he knows he's out of control and doesn't like that in himself. He's told me that. I feel like I'm in the middle of a warped self punishment ritual and I DONT LIKE IT! Bud.. how can I extract myself from that? Any ideas?
I've hid the checks. Hate to do it, but he won't have an opportunity again. So now, how do I keep from being his conscious and expressing his anger by venting mine? This is dragging me down in a big way. You know how I said I burst into the door at night ready to see my babies? I didnt want to do that today. I stayed at work a little late working on a project because I'm off all next week.. I tied up all my loose ends thinking "I really don't want to go home and deal with this"
So yeah, I need a plan. A detached plan that puts H's responsibilities on his shoulders and allows me to be the person I am... how do I be a teflon stone? Live here like his friend unless I see a way to be a couple again? Treat him like I'd treat a good friend, and make it clear that certain things must change in order for us to move forward as a couple? I'm terribly weak.. I get so sucked in by him being loving and affectionate.. and then I get kicked in the butt. I feel guilty for being angry and judgemental.. I feel guilty for having boundaries. He's such a "nice" charming guy at times that I forget how he can sting me when I least expect it. I told him that I don't feel loved when he chooses to do things that hurt me. He said I'm crazy to feel that way.. that he worships the ground I walk on. Isnt that just a little manipulative?
Often I look at W and I see so much to love. But if I zoom out and look at the big picture, I wonder if I'm just letting myself feel trapped by her health issues. What's the truth? I feel the same way. I feel like a hostage in this R so much of the time. It's like I'm living with two different people. One I love, and the other is flawed beyond what I could ever live with. It's just a toss up figuring out which one will show up day to day.
But IIRC, you've said you were going to stick with it through the end of the year. Please remind me if that's right. I need something to get me motivated and hopefully keep me motivated for awhile. If you still think it's reasonable for you to keep going that long, I'll commit to doing it with you. We'll keep our hearts open and let ourselves be vulnerable at least that much longer. Maybe not every day, but as a general rule. We can share our joy and disappointment here along with our friends. And we can work out more details of this agreement if you think it would be useful to you. Think it over and let me know. Yeah, I'm in and thankful that you'd offer a pact of sorts. It would be good to work out more details.. I definately could use some insight because I'm at a loss on how to live right now!
What is the balance to getting totally sucked back in, but still giving the R a chance? Have you figured that out? How do we keep our hearts open and vulnerable without playing a part in the drama? This is very confusing to me.. love unconditionally without expectations and see where it takes us? Refuse to be a part of the drama, but do it with kindness and respect?
Our sitch's are different..I have to deal with H wanting us to continue a normal married R. You have to deal with staying committed when you're not sure what you're committing to. Gosh, I have the same problem - I know H wants the R, but not sure he can/will change and stop the lying, etc.. well maybe you do too, because outside the physical R and acknowledgment that you're still H and W.. you're doing your husbandly duties admirably and she's expecting you to.
Have I confused things enough? LOL
H said something today about us not talking and being open with each other enough. That we need to start doing conference tables and sharing with each other on how so that we are communicating and not at odds so much. He knows that I'm here through the end of the year, and did ask that I make an effort during that time. I shouldve honestly dropped the rope. I totally blew it today by even mentioning that I knew he lied to me and hid his spending. I wonder how he'd have handled it if I had ignored it? You're a smart guy Bud.. I let my feelings about what he's doing and thinking about living with this for the rest of my life demand a solution to the problem right now. I hate this limbo not knowing if he'll change and I want off the roller coaster. So, I'm on the coaster for the next three months. I commit to that. Maybe that'll give me the freedom to ignore the feelings that demand an answer today because I accept that the next three months might be painful and hard, but I'll never know unless I live them, will I?
I honestly don't know what I'd do without the people here, and especially you come in when I need hope and strength. <<<BURGBUD>>> Whatever the thing is that's better than "You Rule Like a Big Slobberin' Dawg.. you're it!
There are 85 days until 1 Jan 06. Yes, I'm counting!
H got up with the kids this morning. It's the first day of 9 off for him and six for me. He offered to take us to visit with my mother, but I don't think that's a good idea right now. I'm tired and me and S2 woke up with a cold. S2 is sound asleep snuggled in H's arms as I type.. too sweet. S19 is home and sleeping. Lazy, lazy morning here.
DAY 1
Well, I've given it some thought as to how to proceed with this, and why H might be lying and hiding things from me. Most likely fear of failure since he's trying to take on more financial responsibility. I think I need to be supportive in that, but not have expectations that he's going to be perfect. We need to work together. Good news is that he hasnt overdrawn his personal account in months. So, while he's withdrawing from ours and hiding it, he's progressed from hiding it altogether to hiding it until the withdrawal hits my bank account.
I know his biggest fear is that I'll walk away from our R. I'm not going to mention doing that.. that I've given it until the first of the year, or do anything that will feed that fear. If he's afraid to confide in me because he's afraid he'll lose me, we'll never make progress. We were talking often at one point and he was sharing. That has stopped and he's now telling me what I want to hear again.
So, two things I'll do. I'm going to be willing to talk about the finances with him and accept his ideas and if he messes up, we'll just deal with it. He'll either stop hiding things, or he wont. Time will tell.
No matter what he says, does, or doesnt do.. I'm going to let him feel secure with me and that I'm here for him while he tries to change the things he says he wants to change. He has a list and he's making progress. So, I'll support him, but I wont pry, ask questions or expect him to make progress at the rate I think he should.
And, I know H needs a great deal of affection and attention. He needs to be held and loved. He likes it when I take care of him. I used to make his meals for work, iron his uniform, just pamper him. and I was planning our couple time. I'm going to start doing that again. Not in a smothering.. lovey dovey way (meaning, I wont be leaving little notes and sexy cards for him), but in a way that shows I care about him. He might cut back on his spending if he doesnt have to buy food at the airport and that'll relieve some stress too.
I'm going to try to do this without allowing him to manipulate or control my emotions. Meaning, I accept how I feel about our R and want it to be better. I realize that I can only control half of the R, and am not going to allow him to "talk" his way through contributing his half. If I want or need something, I'll continue to ask for it, but only he can decide whether he'll give it or not. That's a given, but if he refuses.. I'll not question him on it, or point it out, but accept that he didnt want to, couldnt, whatever. We get into most of our arguments when I shed light on that. Then he makes an excuse, I feel like he doesnt really understand or hear me because he plays down my feelings and it ends up with us being on different teams. He does this over and over and so do I. In R things as well as practical matters. I wonder often if it's his way of controlling our R passively and showing me that I'm not in control. Results were better when I asked and then let it go.
He's been doing some weird little things that I dont get. Like.. he was insect treating around the baseboards (routine thing) and was doing it with everyone in the house. I asked him to not spray it in rooms that me and the kids were in. The kids ended up in the bedroom with me, and I said "hey, could you wait to spray this room until it dies down a little out there? That stuff makes us cough." I really couldnt understand why he picked that time to do it at all, but whatever. Anyway, the next thing I know, he's in the room spraying and we're all coughing. Then he says "It's not that bad.. you're over-reacting". Ticked me off. He used to do that with air freshener around S19 and he cant breathe aerosols at all. Later I heard H coughing. It just makes no sense when I asked him nicely to not spray and he did it and didnt care if we breathed in the fumes. There has to be something to that.. he does that all the time. I wanted an ice cream sandwich when it was hot at Auburn last weekend. Well, the machine was broke. We went into the stadium and awhile later he got up to get something. Asked me did I want anything, and I said no, I'm waiting to eat dinner with S19. He said "you sure?". I said "yes, positive" Next think I know, he's handing me a dove ice cream bar. Which is very sweet of him. But I didnt want it. I didnt want it because it was getting chilly... I wasnt hungry.. and it has 22 grams of fat! H is very aware of my eating habits and used to respect them. He's a vegetarian (we both used to be vegan), and the only meat I eat is chicken. We watch our fat intake and he depends on me to keep him straight by not cooking stuff he can't eat. so anyway.. small deal, but he is always asking me my opinion and then disregarding it. Even as far as asking what time I want to get up, and then setting the alarm for the time he thinks I should get up! If I set it.. he checks the time and asks why I want to get up so early. These little nit picky things are not gonna break our R. I just wonder what's behind them. It's like he wants to show he cares by doing things for me, but then doesnt agree with what I think I need from him. Because truthfully, I cant see the conflict he would've had between the choices above.. spray or not spray... ice cream or no ice cream.. 4:45AM or 5:00AM. I've mentioned this to him and he says he knows he does that,but isnt sure why. Any ideas?
Day one, I'll see how it goes. H just came in and rubbed my back and asked if I'm still mad at him. He said ILY. And he asked what I want to do today. Asked if I have a cold or sinus problems. Discussed going to my Mom's or not. And then I asked him what he planned to do with his week off. He had wanted to put in some new flooring and was doing research on it, but didnt follow through. We'll see. He is so used to me planning stuff. So, I've gotta get off here and talk to him and help him make a decision. He really wants to go see my Mom for some reason. Well, maybe because me and the kids are so happy when we're with her and he sees going as a gift to us. His parents have a habit of that kind of things. They'll do something hurtful.. it's usually like the blow off an important occasion for the kids, then buy them something later.
85 days, huh? That doesn't seem so bad. Now watch; when it gets to 75 days I'll be saying, "Has it *really* only been ten days? Will this *ever* end?"
I know his biggest fear is that I'll walk away from our R. I'm not going to mention doing that.. that I've given it until the first of the year, or do anything that will feed that fear.
Absolutely. If for no other reason than that the first of the year may come and go and you'll have seen enough progress to stay the course but not enough to decide you're over the hump. So you'll want the freedom to extend the deadline without having to stress about it.
It just makes no sense when I asked him nicely to not spray and he did it and didnt care if we breathed in the fumes. There has to be something to that.. he does that all the time.
Okay, I can relate to this. And the ice cream story, too. I was really bad about this before and though I'm much better now, I still backslide occasionally.
One problem is that there are instances (like with the spray), where he feels like dealing with your irrationality is going to be easier that dealing with whatever might come from not doing what you don't want him to do. Or he just gets it stuck in his mind that now is the time to spray and if he doesn't do it now he'll forget again for another two weeks and it's just better to do it right now. There are also his insecurities pushing this. He'd rather piss you off by spraying when you don't want it than by not spraying and having you think he's incompetent (or having himself think he's incompetent). Though I doubt he's consciously aware of that. Probably all you can do in these cases are try to build up his self-esteem and hope he learns to tame down the inner demons that drive him like this.
The other instances (like the ice cream and the clock) are tougher. I know it comes across as condescending when he does something different from what you've asked. And in some ways it is condescending though he doesn't realize it. With the ice cream, I'll bet he couldn't convince himself that you really didn't want any. He couldn't think of a good reason why you wouldn't; maybe you didn't want to spend the money, maybe you felt like you were inconveniencing him, and those weren't good reasons. So he got the ice cream figuring worst case you wouldn't eat it but would still appreciate the thoughtfulness. Of course, you feel pressure to show appreciation for something you don't appreciate at all. You've been put on the spot. And that sucks, too. And the alarm thing...he thinks he's doing you a favor. It is quite condescending for him to decide when the alarm should go off for you when you've already told him what you want. But he just doesn't see it. Does he possibly see you as too driven, or way too concerned about being late, to the point where you're irrational about what time you want to get up? (I'm just saying in his mind, not in reality.) Somehow you've got to get him to trust you enough to do what you ask for even when he believes you're not thinking straight about what you've asked for. A start would be trying to convince him that you're willing to take the heat for your mistakes. You want to make your own mistakes so you can grow from them, and you don't want him to help you by going against what you've specifically said, because that won't help you learn. If you tell him you don't want ice cream and he doesn't bring you any, even if you change your mind, or realize you really did want some after all, you won't hold him responsible for doing as you requested. And you'll accept it if you decide you want some and he doesn't want to go since he's already made one trip (but still give him the opportunity, in case he really wants to do it for you). See if you can impress on him the idea that when he doesn't honor your requests, it makes you feel like he's treating you like a child and you're very uncomfortable with that. As a grown up, you're willing to be responsible and own up to it if you make a mistake and he was involved in carrying out your wishes.
You put together a helluva good plan, Sheila. Now I've gotta see if I can do the same.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Just a quick note to let you know it didn't take 'til day 75 to start thinking this is a long time. Just day 84. I woke up mad. Went for a run and got madder and madder. By the time it was over and I'd stretched and showered, I felt a little better.
This is why we have a pact, right? To get us through these days where we feel like chucking it all? Yet, we've seen positive signs and we'd hate to give up on the brink of a turnaround, right? (Please tell me I'm right!)
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Now watch; when it gets to 75 days I'll be saying, "Has it *really* only been ten days? Will this *ever* end?" LOL.. I hear ya! That's why I'm counting. I lose focus EASILY so when I'm the one whining that I can't go on, would you please remind me that it takes 45 days for something to become a habit? And that's what we're going to have to do. We're both seeing results and baby steps. I'm not sure though that conciously working on positives in my M has become a habit. I do it for a few days, see results, then go back to my old habits.
I'm gonna work on seeing my H as the person I want to meet my emotional and physical needs. For 85 days, there are no other options. Being on my own isnt and option.. dreaming of a perfect R with someone else isnt an option.. the only habit I can have right now is H! Allowing my mind to escape out of this R is not serving my M very well at all! I might not be out there looking for someone else, but I still allow my mind to wander off course and think, "what if?"
he feels like dealing with your irrationality is going to be easier that dealing with whatever might come from not doing what you don't want him to do. Would you come and stay and be an interpreter for awhile, please? Yep, he picks and chooses what he has to deal with and since he minimizes me alot, I can see this. He tries so hard to do what I want all the time that I think he actually has to minimize my concern in order to act on his own. He's playing games in his mind I think. He gets set on a course where he believes he's taking care of me(us) and ought to be pleasing to me, it's virtually impossible to interrupt that. Like the ice cream.. I'm sure he's already told himself it would make me happy if he brought me an ice cream and even my insistence that I didnt want anything couldnt keep him from doing it because regardless, he was being a "nice" guy and taking care of me by doing it.. even if I didnt see that.
Does he possibly see you as too driven, or way too concerned about being late, to the point where you're irrational about what time you want to get up? He does see me as driven and independent. He was kidding with S19 yesterday that I'm stubborn about letting other people take care of me. I got up yesterday with a cold and he keeps telling me to relax. I know I'm that way.. not often sick and hate to be coddled when I am. I feel intense guilt about not being up doing what a mother and wife should be doing. I usually cook a big breakfast at least one day on the weekend, but didnt feel like it. This morning I got up and made homemade muffins just so I wouldnt be neglecting everyone. Truthfully, they would eat a pop tart and be happy! As for the lateness.. nahhhh. It's a joke that I'll be 15 mins late for my funeral. Exactly 15 though..lol. Which is why I wanted my clock set 15 mins earlier.. I'm having a hard time getting all three kids ready on time in the AM. H needs a lot of sleep and I think he feels guilty about that. I used to go to bed and sleep 10 hours to make him happy, but it was wearing me out. He gets up at 3:30AM.. he definately needs more sleep but denies himself that. He's always pointing out how much more sleep I get than him. It explains the balance in our energy level and why he can't maintain the level of energy that I do. The fact is, we're different. He needs 8-10 hours of sleep and I need 5-7.
See if you can impress on him the idea that when he doesn't honor your requests, it makes you feel like he's treating you like a child and you're very uncomfortable with that. Ya know Bud, I say I'm the caregiver in this R, but I believe I'm wrong. There's a difference between being responsible and being the decision maker and being the caregiver isn't there? *light bulb* How could I have missed this all these years? H is a CAREGIVER!! D*mn. I've totally blown off his need to care for me by being so independent. He coddles the kids.. fusses over them when they are sick. He does the same for me as much as I let him. He thrives on that. He was studying to be a nurse before he dropped out of college. He's the guy that his family called when his elderly aunt needed someone to check in on her and give her a little extra care between nurse visits. He gave his Dad a kidney.. insisted on being the person to do it. Wow.. I bet it would go a long way towards raising his self esteem if I allowed him to baby me and take care of me.. you think? I've screwed this up.. I used to (not in a long, long time) joke that I didn't need a wife. Could it be that I help tear down his self worth by rejecting the thing he's best at and that makes him feel the most needed? He always says "Sheila, just let me love you and take care of you" I keep trying to put that in the box of what I need him to do to love and take care of me. What if I see what he's doing HIS way and give him credit for that.. recognize that it's his way of showing love. Wouldnt we both be happier? We take care of physical touch which is a biggy for both of us. Reading the 5LL is on our list of things to do, but in the meantime, I'll let him baby me and make sure I express my appreciation. Does that mean he's a WOA man?
A positive.. we're going for the floor project. H said last night that we work well together on projects. I agree. It's occured to me that we havent had a project to work on together and our best times have been when we're doing that.
He also said that yesterday was a good day with no bad feelings between us. He noticed
Could you think on something if you get time and see if you have any ideas? He said he "misses me", which means he wants to ML. But, I think the break is good for us in a way. When we ML and have physical intimacy, our verbal communication level goes way down. He feels very close to me, but that's not what makes me feel closer to him. I'd think it would mean we'd talk more if he felt closer, but it doesn't. His need for intimacy and closeness is met, but it decreases the thing that most makes me feel intimate and close. Now, I'm not one to withhold at all because PT is huge on my list. It might be weird for a woman, but sex doesnt = love to me. It equals physical pleasure. Words and sharing thoughts and feelings = love to me. And I'm sure a big part of it is that in order to truly realize the intimate connection in ML, I need the words and sharing first, then I feel close enough to get beyond the merely physical in bed. Sorry if this is way TMI to you, I was just wondering if you have any insight because you're such a smart guy!
And today I found a fabric purse that matches a skirt that she bought. I sewed some flower appliques on it and added beaded trim. I'm mentioning this because it's one of my GAL things. When she and S19 were little I was the Mom who painted shirts for every season, and did crafts all the time, but I stopped when the boys came along. I love being creative. This week when I couldnt do much I started that back up and gosh, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it. I'm gonna work on halloween shirts after the boys go to bed tonight. H helped them paint pumpkins after dinner and i made caramel apples... yum! Was a nice evening 
