Had a great time at the Auburn Game. S19 looks fabulously healthy, handsome and happy! We stayed way too late and didnt get home until 3:30AM. He'll be home this weekend too and I'm definately looking forward to spending time with him, and his GF. This is her freshman year at college, so we're missing her too! I observed some interaction with him and H that was interesting. H hates to not know where he's going. S19 was giving him directions and with all the tailgaters he missed a turn and directed H into the RV parking lot instead of the street. H made a harsh comment to S19 about paying attention. And S19 said "Dad, I'm doing the best that I can. You can either accept my help, or get us out of this traffic by yourself" When H didnt answer, S19 asked him to answer so that he'd know if he should still give directions or not. When H said "Just tell me where to turn!" S19 said "Did you hear me? I'm not perfect. I make mistakes Dad. You're gonna have to bear with me a little" Seems my son is learning how to not let his Dad throw his anxieties off on him. Was a good lesson on addressing a sitch calmly and directly with H. He settled down after that. We know he gets nervous like that when he's driving, but he asks for help and if the help doesn't relieve his problem, he gets frustrated with the person who's just trying to help. Does this more than just with driving directions too unfortunately.
We had an awful convo on the three hour drive back home. H basically thinks I shouldnt feel the way I do about him working with OW.. or shouldnt have felt. Not sure how I feel about it now. I've just stuffed my feelings on the whole thing because I really don't have a choice. He told me that he could've left for another job (other than the one 80 miles away. I didnt know that), but decided it wasnt enough money. So basically, he'll take the job he wants when it's offered and expects me to be understanding in the meantime. I feel like he's totally blown off how I feel about it, and par usual will just do whatever he thinks is right and ignore, explain away, or find reasons why my feelings shouldnt be what they are. He said that he stays away from her at work and I should be patient and try to let him show me that I can trust him.
Of course I didnt keep my mouth shut. I said that I'm tired of talking to him and sharing my feelings and needs and having that ignored. The first time he moved back home I said that it would be hard for me to trust unless he ended his friendship with her and found another job. He didnt end the friendship, and now wants to know why I don't trust him. The second time he came home, when I found out they were still talking I said that I didnt think I'd ever trust or forgive unless he took steps right then to end their R and I was sure they had ended it. Again he refused and moved out. Well, I never did witness, hear, or know of them ending their R (except that he said they did because they argued), and he's still there. He has said himself that we'll never move forward as long as he's working there because I expect him to make that sacrifice to show me that he's serious about us and has totally rejected her. He says it, but when I agree, he tries to talk me into feeling differently. So here I am, not really caring at this point because I don't see him understanding how I feel.. I see him trying to manage how I feel.
Now I've come to grips with my feelings about him continuing to work there. I'm bitter and resentful, but I'm not anxious or afraid anymore that they're talking. I'm left with the feeling that our R will always have this ugly cycle in it. He won't consider how his actions affect his family and will tell himself that he'll deal with the problems and feelings later, but right now, he's going to do what he wants, or what is easiest. Basically "She'll get over it. She always does"
I've been to the Dr. this morning. I journalled about a health issue I had on Tues. I'm still dealing with that. I had some chest pains Tues night and thought I was having a heart attack. I've been having circulation problems and the sensation that my heart is pounding. Skipping a beat?? Tues I was in alot of pain and got very dizzy. I asked H to take me to the hospital. Then the pain subsided. H asked me to lay down and relax and that helped. I felt like I should get it checked out, but didnt really want to get everyone upset and call someone to sit with the kids. And H pointed out that I'm in shape, low cholesterol, eat right, etc..not exactly a heart attack waiting to happen at 38. I went to bed and was better Weds. I did say that he didnt seem very concerned and I wondered how much he cared about me, vs. putting everyone out to take me to the hosp.
Went today.. my feet and hands are very blue when Im not moving them. My chest has been hurting a little and my pulse got high for awhile yesterday. They did an EKG. It was normal, but the doctor said there was evidence of a past heart event on it (I'm hoping it was the machine or the Dr's interpretation). He wants me to go to a heart specialist this week. He said whatever it is, is causing the valves in my veins to not work quite right, but the blue hands and feet arent serious. I need to shake them and get the blood moving again. And to be sure to go to the hosp immediately if I start having chest pains or feeling "funny" again. So, all my DBer friends, say a prayer that this is just a minor thing. I probably need to cut back on caffeine, exercise more and not smoke. I have to admit I've wondered if the stress of all of this is taking it's toll. I've always been healthy as a horse and especially watch my diet for fat intake. I've been even more careful in that in the last few months because I'm an emotional eater and it can get out of hand quickly. Who knows.. I need to go take a nap and forget about it until I see the Dr!
