JOURNALLING:

Had a good evening last night. Got off of work at 7:00 instead of 9:00, so was able to make it to D11's game. H was happy and upbeat and dealt with the kids fine. He took them to the homecoming parade (including fixing D11's hair for her beforehand!). She called upset that I wouldnt be there to help her, but Dad did fine. Then he took the boys to find a good place to watch the parade. They passed a schoolmate of the boys and Ty got excited. He ended up sitting with the little boys family and watching the boys play. That's a step forward for H. He is quiet and doesn't go out of his way to be with people. But, I've seen lately how he is starting to start convos and enjoy interacting with others more. I called when I got off work and he was on his way to clean the boys up a little before the game.. and when I got to the football field they were all happy and fine. He didnt huff, make me feel guilty, or vent his stress at taking care of the kids much this week. He encouraged me to go home and relax and not worry about my usual chores because it's been so busy at work. Before we went to sleep last night he wanted to ML, but I didnt feel like it. I felt bad because I've said "no" twice in the last week and that's not at all like me. But, he didn't seem bothered by it. I think he's DBing me like crazy..lol. He said when I get home tonight (probably very late), he'll have a marguerita waiting on me and a fresh shave. Hmmm.. Anyway, we talked for a bit.. about him forgetting to take his meds. And he said, I've backed off it a little lately. And I asked if he had been skipping it. He said no, but he's only been taking one of each a day because his Psych was planning on cutting him back, but called and postponed his appt until Oct. H has been feeling like he's in a fog lately and very tired. Didn't know that He said he felt much better the last two days and his hands arent shaking as much. He's been constantly complaining that he has ADD and cant remember things like he used to. He said he thought it was the meds.. so, maybe they slowed him down a little much. Could be part of the reason why he's been wanting to do some things, but can't seem to get around to them.

Was totally taken off guard this morning. He called and said that he couldnt talk long because he'd been on the phone awhile with out sitter. She has plans tomm AM and cant watch the kids. H had decided to take the whole day off to go to Auburn (I didnt ask him to!). So, he called some friends and they are going to keep the kids until the sitter picks them up. Then he apologized for not having time to talk. He's been reading DR, so maybe he is DBing me. It's so out of character for H to see a sitch, deal with it and not call me a million times or complain about it.

I've been thinking of goals and realize that I have backslid terribly. I'm not mad at myself, but I know that I have to stay committed to working on myself and that this will happen in baby steps. I was thinking specifically of a goal where H is concerned. Something like, He'll express his feelings to me instead of passively venting them. And I realized that this happened on Tues afternoon and I totally blew it off.. misread his intentions, etc. He has told me in the past that he needs me to recognize when he shares his feelings and respond to that. He hasn't been good at it, and I evidently don't react the way he needs me to. Well, it happened on Tues. He had a bad day and was stressed and snippy. As soon as I walked in the house he said he was tired, was a long day, hectic at work, etc. I totally blew that off and thought "you think you've had a bad day? this is the busiest week of the year.. you're wanting to go out to eat.. if you're so tired how do you have the energy to go out, etc" When I realized how I handled that, I felt bad. I've asked him to share his feelings and not to just passively vent, but here was an occasion where he did, and he didnt get any response from me. No support, etc.
I apologized to him for that this morning, and told him thanks for sharing his feelings. That he might have to be a little more squeaky if he can, but I definately see how I don't respond now and will try harder. I also told him that he's relieved a lot of my stress this week by taking care of things at home and not worrying me with it. He said "no prob".

Guess I should just keep focused on changing me and giving H space and time to do his part.