Is there such a thing as a re-journal? Thought I'd post something positive for a change. My PMA is in the toilet this week I'm so confused and it's making me waffle. On the one hand I can see that H is making positive changes. He's better mentally and he's HERE. A few months ago that didn't look like it would happen. No sign of OW at all, except he sees her at work. I finally have a grip on that and it rarely comes up. He's sending out his resume like a wild man. He says ILU a million times a day, is affectionate, helps around here.. is going to church.. reading more. Is talking about changes he is working on.

Not sure what is wrong with ME. Except.. fear maybe. Fear that although we'll get closer.. my expectations of how we piece this together this time are big. Before I was willing to accept some of his flaws and work around them so we could be happy. Now, I'm not as willing to accept those parts of who he is. Maybe because I see how they helped get us to where we are. And because Im working on my flaws to help the R, and expect him to do the same. Mostly.. I think it's because he so openly accused me of controlling him. And the ways he said I control him are in areas that he's refused to accept responsibility for. I view my controlling as control by default.. if I didnt do it.. no one would. I resent that. And now I dont want to be labeled as controlling.. so I refuse to take full responsibility for those things. Which means he's going to have to change in ways where he can bear his share of the load or it won't work. Am I being stubborn because I don't want that label? Or, will it help that I'm stepping back so that he'll accept responsibility for himself. So many of the things that are an issue are things that he needs to be able to do to support himself..especially if something happened to me. He'd have to be able to pay the bills, plan, etc for him and the kids.

It's confusing. Financial issues are a big deal for us. I work finance for a living and am anal about budgeting and knowing where our money goes. He's a free spirit that likes to spend and worry later. I'm not a tightwad, but not having a plan makes me a wreck. I wish we could find a happy medium. I thought we had that before.. maybe we did and I'm just fighting it because he said I'm controlling? I mean.. we didnt fight about finances for four years. I took care of them... he respected that, and nobody went without or suffered. I didn't even object at that time to him signing his name on my checks because I didnt question his motives. Since he had the big backslide in the last year I don't trust him at all with it. Maybe I should recognize that he's not mismanaging the money anymore, or writing bad checks on his personal account, and try to trust him like I did before. sigh

There here's where I get very confused. Because I don't trust my judgement where he's concerned either. I go from being harshly judgemental, to overly forgiving.. making excuses for his actions. I wonder if he's manipulating me.. or if I'm being a b*tch. aaaack!

Anyway... there ARE positives. I just keep fearing that we'll get to a comfy place and be back where we were.

Great positive today.. H won tickets to the Auburn game Sat! WHOOOOO HOOOO! I've been dying to go to a game, and now we can. I'm thrilled. I haven't seen S19 in almost 4 weeks and I MISS him. Now we can go see him, watch him play (he's in the band), and spend some time alone We went last year and it was awesome.. just to see our son so grown up and having a blast is amazing. We get to hear all about what he's doing, but I love to see him in his element... with his friends.. so handsome in his uniform. Sigh.. I'm a happy Momma tonight! That and I can take him some goodies and cleaning supplies for his dorm room! he turned the webcam on the other night and OMG.. The boys loved it though. They were yelling at the computer like he could hear them. And they blew him kisses goodnight. I think a month is the longest we've gone without seeing him. So, it'll be good!

Still busy at work, so the time with H is limited. They were gone to church when I got home and I'll be working late nights Thurs and Fri. I'm trying to work on my PMA in the meantime. We were so close not long ago. When I found out about the job lies.. I just built a wall. Then when he wasnt working on counseling goals and blew off our church decisions.. it just took the hope out of me that things will ever be different. I know they'll never be different as long as I keep backsliding to an angry, hurt, fearful, and untrusting place. It's so hard to live in the moment and forget the progress that's been made. He just called to say they're on their way home. He sounds so happy. Said he misses me..sigh. He said that earlier today, and I asked what he means by that. He said "I just miss you.. miss time alone with you.. we need to keep taking our time alone together." Ive backslid on that too.. out of stubborness. I got tired of being the one to always plan our date night.. and weekends away.. find a babysitter, etc. But, I've always loved planning special things for us and our family. I LOVE planning vacations. About time I start that again and put away my stubborn pride. Things are much better when I do positive things for us.. even if H isnt moving as fast as I'd like.. it's a better place than it's been the last two weeks.

Unless of course.. I'm making excuses for him not applying himself..sigh.. time will tell. I just have to find the patience to keep living well in spite of H's falling short of that yardstick of mine!