You always seem to know how to post and bring focus to a sitch. Thanks!
I've been very busy at work (which has been good actually!) and detached for the last two days. Giving me and H some space. Surprisingly, when I got home late last night he was reading DR. Couldnt believe it! I would've answered you that, no he probably wouldnt read a book. But when he accused me of not sharing what I'm reading and thinking about, I told him that he could read just as well as I could if he wants. Seemed to make an impression because he brought the book and asked me about something he was reading in DR. A letter from a woman describing how she felt about her laid-back H. He asked if that's how I feel. We talked about it.. talked about opinions, talked about talking and decision making. Discussed your question of if he is insecure with himself, or insecure about my willingness to work on the R. He said both.. then elaborated to say that he's a VERY insecure person. Wants to avoid conflict at all costs. We talked about how him sharing his feelings and opinions would make our R better.. and if it would be hard for me to accept him speaking up. I asked him if I am controlling of others and disrespect their opinions? He said "no". We talked about how much space I give our kids as long as they demostrate that they are trustworthy... how much I've let S19 go since he started college. I said "H.. I'm the least controlling, fretting Mom I know.. as long as he is pretty much on track.. I don't worry about the small stuff. Yes, he makes mistakes, but I don't try to control that.. in fact, I view a lot of mistakes as necessary evil's to growth. It's when you refuse to confront the truth and learn from it that I want to get in there and express my opinion, because some of the mistakes you make impact the rest of us big time.
I mentioned the books you suggested. He agrees that we need to read the 5LL together and is going to try to find the other one you mentioned. So, for now.. I'm still in limbo. Remember when I said I keep forcing our R one way or the other because I HATE limbo? Well, I need to remember that! I'm just chilling out.. doing my thing.. and being conciously aware of my feelings.. good and bad. I'm living each day as it comes and not promising anything in the future. Only that I'll always care for H and be here for him. Until he starts moving in a direction.. I can't begin to work on this R with him. I hope that we can grow to be the best of friends while we're deciding on whether to stay together. I'm hoping that he realizes that he has a right to his opinions.. and doesn't have to live day to day trying to make me happy. I'm pretty happy.. I just want to know if he is someone that I can have a long term relationship with successfully, or if we'd just be coming back to this place over and over.
