Thanks for the words of encouragement! I'm often over in the infidelity forum learning things from you two. The sharing that goes on here makes me feel un-alone, and that's worth a million right now.
H has taken the kids to church so I have some time alone. He's being passively punishing this morning, but at least I know what he's doing so I can deflect the darts! His turn to get up with the kids and he wouldn't - which was OK, I got up and fixed bfast and had a screaming headache. He was up 10 mins later badgering me about why Im in such a bad mood. Trying to re-open the convo as an argument. I can't do it. I don't even feel the need to argue and place blame for where I am right now. It's just a fact. He said last night "I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid too". But the thing is.. I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not really afraid of what he might do. And I got to that place by building that wall. I've stopped worrying about whether he's working with OW or talking to her totally. I did that by just not caring.. it was my only choice. Deal with the pain I was feeling, or let him go in a way that it doesn't matter what he's doing or who he's with. Does that make sense? He wants to be defensive about this, but I'm not seeing it as his fault. It was his choice to deal with the sitch the way he did. He hasn't found another job for whatever reasons.. not a good one to take, didn't look soon or hard enough.. whatever. But the fact still remains that I had to detach so far from caring about what he's doing that I don't care.
He accused me of being mad at him because of choices he's made at church. I was disappointed at how he made the choices and didn't include me. It was just more of him doing what he wants and not thinking of what we'd discussed was good for our M. It's been a big part of our MC (christian counseling) to define our purpose together as a couple. But, H just blew off all the time and discussion we put into that. And I'm mentioning this because in the past, I would've re-grouped and went along with what he decided to keep the peace.. fix the sitch. But I don't have it right now. He didnt go to the concert with his youth this week.. has offered to give up teaching, do whatever we need to be doing as a couple, but my heart isnt in it. I dont care. I told him whatever he does is fine.. I'm disappointed that we didnt stick to the decisions we made together (he refused to even share with me what he decided to do and let our pastor let me in on it). But now, I'm not interested in finding a purpose with him. I'm doing my own thing without him. So, we're still doing what we were doing that got us where we are. And, I don't feel a need to change any of that. I don't feel like I want to be a couple with him, or that it's important to me anymore.
My feelings for him lately have been like a dear friend. I feel like I'm pretending when I try to give more than that. He asked me last night if I hate him. I don't. That scares me. I've heard that if you feel hatred towards someone, or anger that you're still emotionally invested in them. Well, I dont feel hatred and anger. Not that anger that gets you where you live anyway. It's the kind of anger like when a co-worker does something that screws up the day and you get over it in a few minutes and let it go. You ignore it because it doesn't impact your life at all. What H does, impacts our life. But I'm in a place where it just impacts his life because I'm detaching from the "our life" mentality to cope. I don't see an "our life" that we couldnt maintain apart. Well, living together, raising the kids, sex, etc. But not an emotional "our life"..connected and committed towards the same goals.
I'm hoping this is a funk I'm in. I've been in a lot of funks lately. But Im afraid that it's because I'm fighting the truth. The truth that I just don't see myself continuing this with him. Heck, I'm not even emotional enough about this to ask him to do anything right now.. move out.. etc. He asked what I want, and I asked what he wants. He said I promised to give it until Jan, and I said OK. I'll give it until Jan if that's what makes you happy. He brought up a lot of stuff that he says contradicts what I'm saying. He's right of course.. my actions have contradicted my feelings. He said "how can we ML, and then you say you don't have the feelings you should. How can we cuddle up and take a nap together, share a beautiful day, and then the next you want to let us go?" Dunno about that.. except it was a beautiful day. A beautiful day with someone I care about and feel close to because we've shared so much. But if he could be in my brain he'd know how many times I've made myself respond the way I think I should. How many times I've looked at the love in his eyes and wished I could get that back for him. How many times I've seen his feelings and thought they are just needy feelings because he's afraid to be alone, and not feelings that he'll do the right things for us and our family because he's committed to our well-being above all else. See, that's where I am. If I love someone, my choices reflect that. I choose not to do things to hurt them and destroy their trust. I choose not to put us in a financial bind, or make decisions behind their back. I choose to discuss what we're doing at church as a couple and make a way for both of us to contribute and be happy. I've made most of my life choices based on that.. and the ones that I didn't, turned out badly. The ones where I didnt consider H and my family were painful, so I learned to always consider them and what's best for all of us. He doesn't have that, and that's something that has to be a two way street. You don't build a relationship and a family on ILY's, flowers, promises, cuddling together in bed, ML, recreational time. You build a family on commitment to consider them in what you do regardless if it's what you selfishly want to do... that is a bigger institution than the individual. It doesn't always breed happiness and loving feelings, but it does build trust and a foundation that's solid.
Anyway, I don't have any answers. Don't know where this is going. H asked if I'm going to stop working on our R. ???? How do you work on an R with someone you don't think is committed in the right ways, especially when your level of commitment is rock bottom? I've bowed out of MC because he just isn't doing what we agree to do in the sessions.. mutual agreement and they don't stick for a week. He's told the counselor that he'll keep coming individually to see if he can get on track and start applying what we've learned in counseling. I've no doubt that tommorow he won't go to his session. He doesnt seem committed to apply it.. he just seems committed to do the sessions until I've let go of the past and we can get back to normal. Checking off a block of must do's to get Sheila happy again Too sad. It's not about happiness. It's about trust, hope and commitment.. common goals and understanding/agreeing about the life we're building together. Not sure we can get there from here. He doesn't seem worried about that stuff. He seems like he's living his life from day to day.. as the wind carries him.. what I decide.. whatever comes his way he'll deal with but life just isn't worth knowing where you're going, doing what it takes to get there, and doing it without stepping on others' toes.
Too sad. It's not about happiness. It's about trust, hope and commitment.. common goals and understanding/agreeing about the life we're building together. Not sure we can get there from here. He doesn't seem worried about that stuff. He seems like he's living his life from day to day.. as the wind carries him.. what I decide.. whatever comes his way he'll deal with but life just isn't worth knowing where you're going, doing what it takes to get there, and doing it without stepping on others' toes. 