Had an unexpected R talk with H last night. I'm not sure that we're going to put this all back together. If we do, I think we might live the rest of our lives as less than happy He says I need time, but I'm not sure. I know love isnt a feeling, but there are so many things that make a M. I'm very very tired of this struggle. And it's not that H doesn't love me the way he should or any of the other things. It's just this wall that's built around my heart. I've changed. He said that he's driving himself batty to prove that he loves me. That isn't right either. I asked for a break, a time out a few weeks ago and he agreed. Well, we didnt take that time out really. I've been thinking if H would just change a few things I'd feel differently. But like I've said before, it's not fair to expect that and for me to keep raising the bar. I care for him, I love him (as a verb), I enjoy our physical relationship. But trust isnt there. I dont know how it will ever be there again. He was talking to someone last night at the football game.. a guy we know just through our D11 doing things with his daughter. They seem like a lovely family and I like him and his wife. You'd think they would be people we'd have a friendship with.. a lot in common, kids the same age, same interests, church, golf, etc. But I left the game to take the boys to burger king (before they died wanting french fries!). When we came back I walked up and saw H talking to G and it stopped me cold. My first thought was "I wonder what kind of BS he's telling G". This is my H Im talking about!! WTF! How can I be with someone and have that kind of distrust in me? There's a long history of this.. I've always been leary of H and I sharing friendships because he is dishonest. Sooner or later people always see through his BS and I don't want to be a part of that. We talked for a little bit about that and he said he's changed. That he doesn't do that anymore. But still, it really bothers me that I feel the way I do. He's almost ruined a few friendships for me with his lying.. one was with my dearest GF. He borrowed money from her husband (I had no clue!) and never paid him back. Was a couple of years before I even knew that.. she finally told me. And the whole time, I never knew why they turned down invitations to do things together as a couple.
Fear and distrust. I keep thinking that I can deal with me.. I know what that means. I wake up knowing who I am, but not who H is. I fear what he'll do next that will hurt. I don't want to live that way, but I don't know how to trust after all the things that have happened between us. That wall around my heart is solid.. so solid that it's not just H that I don't want to let in. It's basically a "I just want to be left alone to live my life" feeling/attitude. I was thinking it was because I can't control what he does and fear what he'll do.. a control issue that I have to deal with. But it's so much more than that. I can give up controlling him, but maybe that control was the only hope I had for our R. I don't trust that he'll make good decisions for us... he's still demonstrating that he won't. Add that to the fact that he didn't commit to MC and work towards the goals we set and I still don't have much to place my trust in.

Ughhhh... H can do things that make me feel loved and happy and he has. But then, anyone can do those things and it doesn't mean I want to spend the rest of my life with them. Enjoying his company and caring for him is friendship stuff.. not M stuff.

Have to think on this for awhile. And oh yeah, he hates me journalling on here. It's somehow because I do that my feelings are not what they should be right now. right.