BB,

You can whine here anytime! It's free webspace. I just happened to sign my name to this corner of marital woes. My door is always open. C'mon in!

I have a lot of speculation on this, but I'll cut to what I think you might gain the most in thinking about.

Because I'm finding myself getting sucked back into "have to be there for her when she falls so nothing really bad happens" mode. And I think it was better when I was in "not responsible for her health" mode. Disclaimer: "Everything I say is applicable to me. It's easier to address these things with others than deal with it in my life"

Did you write this sentence intending for me to <insert here> from my sitch and see the light? What are we doing BB in rescuing these people from themselves? How can we turn the tide, be lovingly supportive and detached from fixing their problems for them? How can we draw a line and leave them to accept responsibility for their life and actions? My H messes up, I fix it, and I even go so far as to vent the anger he feels at himself for failing!

Your W sees the changes in you. They are real. Can you GAL and stop rescuing her from the sitch she's created? Just one example for what it's worth. When she was going through withdrawals, you were compassionate, loving, caring supportive.. everything you could be to help her. What if you had changed one thing about that sitch? What if you had not slept on that mattress downstairs? Was that over the line of what you should have done? She was not in medical danger. And yes, it kept her from disturbing the children. But what if you went upstairs and took care of yourself, letting her know that you're there if she needs you? What if you weren't waiting by for her every need? Would she have woke up and needed you in the night. Been afraid without you in just the next room? Would those feelings have been bad, or good for your sitch? She probably would've blamed you for not being there for her. But then, what if you suggested that OM be there for her? That he come and get her to stay at his place so that he could help her through it? She's choosing him to fill that need in her life.. she's as much as said that. Why can't he "be all he can be" for her no matter what she's going through? I realize that's extreme and not realistic.

You were there for her in a BIG way. It might just turn the tide in your R. But if it doesn't, will you be there for her in the same way again? What is the diff between a R with you because she needs you, vs. a R with OM because he's a warrior and her soul mate? He heals her? Or, she heals herself and bucks up for him? He motivates her to take care of her health to be with him. What if.. speculating... and going to a chapter in DR. You agreed about her health and that she gets strong to see OM and that you can't do anything for her? What if you agreed that your R might be making her sick.. that you hate to see her do that to herself and are eager for her to start a painfree life on her own? Would it hurt to do that, but let her know that you want to work things out, but are going to give her space to take care of herself, and move on if she needs to? Get some real estate flyers. Leave the stuff laying around where she can see it, but don't mention it. Do you remember that story in DR?

What if you weren't assisting her health to get her on her feet for him? She might find that she can't do it without you and for him. What if you stopped taking care of everything so she can rest between visits with him? What if you truly dropped the rope? Would she be able to be responsible for her life and her children, and maintain the strength to buck up for him? If he heals her.. she should be strong coming back home from time with him.. not the other way around! Can you help to reverse that in some way?

Just thoughts. That portion of DR really struck me. Agreeing with them and then start GAL and ignoring the pull to rescue.

Stop in anytime.. I think typing this might help me come up with a strategy for dropping the rope with H. Might be something drastic!

Big hugs.. where is our weekend of relaxation? Are you hiking? If not, why? Are you going to let her plans affect your need to get away and enjoy the fresh air this weekend? Good luck!!