Guess it's time to start that DBing holiday! If I get on here for the next two weeks (barring a major bomb), my goal is for it to be to journal what I'm doing for myself. What I'm accomplishing towards taking control of MY life back, and dropping the rope..detaching from allowing H to drag my life off course. I'll be kind, loving, caring and respectful to him. If I feel like spending couple time with him - I will. If I feel like ML with him - I will. I'm going to do what I feel like doing.. the things that take my life the direction I want it to go, without intentionally doing things that will step on his toes. I might be saying that I'm going to genuinely DB and quit worrying about H and our R for two weeks. See how that works.. stop focusing on fixing the probs and fix me. I HAVE made myself a victim in this R. I deny myself things that I truly enjoy in order to spend my time focusing on "us". Us has had plenty of time in the last 18 years. For two weeks Im going to give Sheila some attention. Gonna spend the money to get my nails done professionally and not worry about what expense of H's I should be covering instead. Gonna stop on the way home from work and run errands and let him be with the kids instead of jamming my Sat morning full so that I'm free for him every evening. Gonna spend some time with friends I've neglected because my M is so much more important right now. I'm going to the gym at lunch and if I miss his calls, so be it. If I feel like packing his lunch and making his coffee so that he doesnt have too, I will. If I don't have time because Im engrossed in a book or catching up on TV that I never watch, well, too bad H. I'm going to stop this self sacrifice that leaves me feeling resentful and victimized.. and hopefully, I'll be able to detach enough to determine what I'm willing to give because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to for fear of the consequences, because of guilt.. because I want credit.. because I need to feel like the responsible one. Being responsible for me and my kids is enough of a burden for awhile! and hopefully, I'll be able to look at H every day as a dear, precious person, and not that something that is sucking the life out of me every day. If I can accomplish that and still hear that sucking sound.. then I'm going to keep trying until at least I realize that everyone should have boundaries and not even my spouse should have unrestricted permission to control me in such a way that I stop living my life for me, and live my life as a mere reaction to what he's doing.
AHHHHH.. feels good. Let's see if I can actually do it!
