Is there a reasonable way you can prevent him from having access to your checks? And thereby remove the temptation? I started hiding them again last year when he went on his binge of irresponsibility. He came into the house on a few occasions when he wasn't living here and took them right out of my purse when he couldn't find them elsewhere! I finally had to call the place that was cashing them and tell them not to accept them anymore. So, that worked until he found somewhere else that will cash them. The same place that he bounced MUCHO $ worth of checks on his personal account. They know my checks are good, so they take them. I had them hidden even after he stopped the irrational check writing and moved back home, but it wasn't practical. If he had to take the kids to the Dr, or something it meant writing a check, so I eased up on that.

leaving a sticky note by your computer listing the check amounts on the day he writes them?
 This is one of the things that ticks me off so much. He's been helping balance the account on the computer for the last month. It's my account, but it's our household account. So, why not put them in when he's doing that? Because like you said, he can deal with my anger later. He's actually said that. We seriously need a joint account where we both put money for household bills and each of us keeps our own money separate. For me, that would be heaven... for him, it would mean being responsible for his personal expenses. He'd rather put it in my account, because if he runs over, he can just use my spending money.. no big deal. And, if I pull my money out, it's my fault if a check isnt covered because my name is on the account.

Maybe he categorizes your anger as unjustified and he can easily dismiss it. Perhaps not a whole lot you can do in the short term if either of those are the case. Oh yeah, you got it. He uses the word "just" a lot when he's explaining way my feelings about this issue. "I JUST wrote a check instead of using the ATM card. I know you don't like it, but at least I'm not out there writing checks for hundreds of dollars like I used to!" And, for my part of the problem, this is a hot topic anyway. Just this one issue opens up a whole can of worms with me. Not fair is it? And, it's something that I would imagine would be hard for a man to take. When we were first married, I worked so that he could go to school and get his degree in nursing. We moved here to his hometown after he got out of the Army, and my job with the Govt moved with me. Made sense at the time. Then, the plan was for me to return work part time and get my degree. He didn't follow through with that (and was cheating on me and not going to class!). Then he went from dead end job to dead end job. Me quitting was never an option because my job was our security for years. Going to school at night wasn't an option for me because H worked nights most of the time, and I didn't want to be away from our son. Then he got into a career that was stable and he moved up. I moved up.. have a good career that I enjoy now and too much invested to do anything else. I guess I resent that I never had the chance to do something different. I feel like I let him corner me into my career because the only other option was to not provide for our kids. So here's the can of worms. I'm ALWAYS the responsible one. I don't even spend over $50 out of MY account without discussing it with him first because he contributes money towards it. By and far, I've always made more money. I've struggled worrying that I might be trying to control it as MY money, but really, I dont think I do that. He gets to decide how much he contributes to our household expenses and I've always made ends meet with it. Most of the time that means he has more to blow than me and the kids. Even after his financial disaster this spring, I helped him pay off the debts he accumulated. Gosh, I'm turning myself into a victim/rescuer here. I just don't know what the process is to stop that. Close my account? Open one that he can't have access too? Make our contributions 50/50 no matter what we make and adjust our expenses to live within that? I'm so entangled in this that I don't even know what is reasonable for me to do and what would be unreasonable. Everything I suggest brings resistence from him.. he wants to maintain the way it is. I'd think he'd want to be free of me b*tching about this... but the payoff must be worth it.

he's scared of looking like a man who can't handle money We've determined that this is the case. He really can't handle money.. well, at least up until today There's always hope.

He said we need to sit down and discuss finances and find a solution (we were supposed to do a conference table on the subject yesterday, but didnt). He said we need a joint account that we both contribute to.. I've suggested this, and it wasn't an option then, but maybe it could work now. Not sure if that is a solution, or just his way of getting me to hush about it until it happens again.

BTW, I don't blame you a bit for being p*ssed off! Thanks for the support Bud. It helps to know I'm not completely out there with this. He has an easy time convincing me that I'm being unreasonable. But I'd NEVER touch H's account without his permission. Me and S19 have access to each other's bank accounts and have never had a problem. It's a matter of mutual respect. If it was just a matter of "hey, I needed this and wrote a check", I'd understand. But it isn't. It's sneaky. And if he's in a bind, he doesn't mention it. Ego maybe.. but it's not a secret that he has a hard time with money. It's a known. It was known when we reconciled after the D. I accepted that about him and didn't bring it up. For those few years, he didn't write checks on my account, or if he did, he was up front about it. It becomes such a big deal when he hides it.. lies about it..brushes it off and doesnt give me the respect of knowing what's going on in my account.

Thanks for listening.. as always.. you're a prince!
Now I guess I wait to see if we open the joint account, or if I have to proceed differently.

Still open to suggestions!