JOURNALLING

What do you do when you set boundaries in your R and find that with those boundaries in place, you really don't have much in common with your S? I can't say that about me and H and be honest. We have a life in common.. kids, history, etc, but kids grow up and history is history. I'm working so hard to detach from trying to live H's life for him, and not allow him to control my life either. Without that cycle and bond, there is a HUGE nothingness between us. Now to delicately build something there that is healthy and meets our needs. That'll take communication and compromise. It's like starting all over from scratch in a way. Patience. I'm in a place to step back and really observe what's going on here and it's lonely over here looking in.

H is often irritable in the afternoons.. he has a hard time adjusting to the transition of being at work to a house full of demanding children and responsibility. It's always been an issue for us. I scream home eager to see my family and relish the kids' stories.. the minute I walk in the door I can feel the stress peel off me. For him I know, it's the opposite. And since he gets home from me, he usually has one of the kids unhappy with some snippy irritable comment or another. It used to always be S19 that he took that out on. Now it seems its our D11. Today I came in.. she had tears in her eyes. She had changed into her AWANA shirt, which is green and didnt change her shorts. Well, they were bright neon green.. very clashing with the shirt..lol. who cares anyway? But.. not only did he insist that she change because they didnt match, but he said to her "Im tired of you always looking so messy" While she was telling me this.. she started tearing up and he insisted he didnt say that... or mean it. I would have in the past jumped right in and explained to him what a comment like that will do to a child (especially pre-puberty... a girl, coming from the most important male in her life), but I didnt. I hung back and let them work it out. I did tell him that it was the comment that hurt her so much. And, I suggested another pair of shorts if she wasnted to change, but said it was unnecessary.... painted her toenails and put her hair up and hugged her really, really tight until she was gasping for air..lol. Anyway.. he was irritated and took it out on all of us. I had to paint S2's fingernails too..lol (clear of course!), and when I finally got a chance to change myself, he got ahold of the polish (right under H's nose I might add). Well, H very loudly said "I'd like to get ahold of the person who gave this to him!" P*ssed me off.. but I maintained my PMA and said, well, it was me and I'm sorry.

I don't know why H can't just take responsibility for his afternoon stress and go off and unwind until he feels like he can be with people again. By the time he's through venting, the rest of us are suffering the affects of his BMA. But not today for me..not another day.. not another afternoon with my babies will I allow him to destroy. I can tell that he was even irritated that I didn't react to his passive b*tching.

Well, I've vented, but I'm thinking.. I dont even like this man half the time! His is passive, pissy, controlling (passively controlling.. I didnt use to think that was possible but it is), and self centered. He can be so sweet when he wants to be. But even that sweetness is designed to get him what he wants. And now that I'm determined to not react so much to what he is doing to manipulate, or his moods, the parts of his personality that are actually genuinely attractive to me are not much. Im hoping this is a frame of mind Im in, but Im afraid that without the challenge of "fixing" him, he won't keep my interest long. And not because I want to fix someone either. I'm realizing too, that unlike the past me, this me doesnt NEED a relationship to be happy and fulfilled. Sure I have needs, but to sacrifice who I am to get those needs met isnt worth it. Does that mean I'm maturing? Please, say it isnt so! I never intended to grow up, but here at the age of 38 I finally feel like I could live my life without someone to cling to. Someone to share it with would be wonderful, but if it means constant mental and emotional challenges.. I'm losing the energy for that.

All that said.. the biggest part of H gaining responsibility for his life is going to be him out who he is without me trying to define who he should be. I know a big part of what I don't like in his attitudes and reactions (for lack of a better word) is due to the effects of living with me and how I've been in this R. When all that falls away.. I'm interested to see who my H really is underneath everything he's invented to cope, and survive in this R. Wonder how long it'll take him to find himself? I'm not sure he knows he should even be looking.. right now he's stuck in the "get back to normal" mode with me. Well, normal is gone.

And dangit, if he had a problem this afternoon that he needed to discuss, why didnt he just discuss it? Why must he just vent his emotions, but never share them? When I'm in a bad mood, everyone knows it. Not because I take it out on them usually, but i'm very upfront with that if I know it's impacting how I interact with my family especially. I'll just say "It's been a rough day.. it's not you guys.. it's me. If I get too irritable, please let me know. That usually brings out the hugs and I feel much better. Why can't H OWN his feelings and his actions.. his opinions? What is so scary about letting the people who live with you know what's going on and how you feel about it? I mean, this morning I was in a BMA and impatient. Instead of bullying the kids into hurrying.. I explained that I was running behind, impatient and not likely to make extra trips back in the house to get something they've forgotten. They are sweet kids.. Ty gave me a big hug, and ya know, not one of them forgot something today. Gee whiz H.. if ya need something say it.. most of the time we WANT to make your life easier!
lol... so glad I got that bonus vent in before bedtime!