Well, it's a BMA day here. I guess I'm tired. But H is working closely with OW today, so they can both KMA! For you guys on Anna's thread. Just that kind of day. I'm sick of dealing with this stuff and really want to go out after work and blow off some steam with my friends. Not sure why I woke up in such a mood (not angry, just I don't give a d*mn today, and have my cell on silent because I could care less if I hear from H today or not). He made the comment last night lying in bed that he wishes he could make me happy. Ughhhh.. yeah buddy, I wish too, but how about you row your boat and I'll row mine for awhile. It was more like an accusation when he said that. I know I haven't been the cheerleader he's used to. I know that it bothers him that I "light up like a light bulb" his words.. when S19 calls. Well.. guess what H, when I'm with people who don't screw with my mind and worry the crap out of me, I'm a pretty happy go lucky person! He always gets into a funk when he realizes that the sitch has brought me down. He's been prodding for awhile for me to return to "normal". So again, KMA.. I'm in the mood Im in. Deal with it. I'm fine.. not giving you any troubles, so if you feel guilty, deal with that too. Like I said before, I'm going to feel what I feel and be REAL. It's not like Im depressed and in the bed.. I just don't eat up all his blah, blah, ILY, blah, blah, I need you and take it to the bank like I used to. Just the expectation that I should be happy for him p*sses me off. Give me some space dude.. I'm OK.. focus on your own happiness for awhile and get off my back!!!!

Wheww.. needed that vent! Other than that, life is just spiffy! Had a great sexy dream about a former co-worker last night. Woke up saying.. wow.. yum. Wasn't really a sex dream. It was a situational dream. I've been thinking about it this morning. The thing that made it a sexy dream was that the guy I was dreaming about is someone that I've always had great conversation with. Personal convos, not about M, but about family in general, and I did find that attractive in him. The way he shared his life and feelings so openly. Not exclusively with me.. he's just an open, honest, engaging person.. no BS about him. Of course I've never thought of him in "that" way, but I find it interesting that my mind took me to that place in my sleep. I'm craving intimacy? I remember when I was just starting dating.. I had a MF that I hung out with. He lived on the air force base in my home town and we'd go lay out in the grass by the airfield and look at the stars. We'd just lay there staring up and talking. Was very, very intimate.. but just friendship. One night we stood up and he kissed me.. was an awesome kiss. Never dated that guy.. but I'll never forget how sweet that kiss was because it was brought about by truly sharing our hearts with each other. Havent had that with H in years.. if ever. We used to lay in bed at night and talk.. silly stuff.. singing songs from our high school years.. talking about our favorite cartoons.. stupid stuff we did. Now it's "what do we have to do tomorrow again? ILY (while thinking.. this sucks.. cant say that or he'll get p*ssed... I really wish I had warm fuzzies being here with him, but I just don't.. sigh).

Need to find my PMA and some spark!!! Been thinking about that article on 2much's thread that said "I love you but Im not in love with you" really means, "I care about you, but I'm not that excited about you". Im there. Send help!