Journalling:

Yesterday was another good day for us. It was a frustrating day for me. Taking a good hard look at myself and admitting the ways that I hurt our relationship makes it impossible for me to deny that I need to change. Changing thoughts and actions is tiring and what would be easier to do is go on autodrive and be the self I've been. That's a habit I don't have to think about or work too much at. On the other hand, it's freeing to know that I have a choice to be happy or miserable each day and that I do have control. Not control over others, but control over myself. I've always tried to control what others do and in the end I've let myself be controlled by what they do or don't do. If H doesn't do a certain thing, I either get in there and do it or devise a complicated plan for getting him to do it. It's so much easier to create the results I need in my life without depending on him to take action. When I focus on his needs, my needs are often met naturally. Not always, but they also don't become such a source of misery for me. If I need to feel loved and appreciated, instead of waiting on H to show me love and appreciation, I can get to work on loving him in the way he needs. That generates a positive for both of us.. he gets his needs met and in return is loving and appreciative of me. That's a better cycle for us than we've been in. We've been in a cycle of waiting, expecting, protecting ourselves, blaming, manipulating, retreating and sulking. That's not love.. that's control.

I'm also learning to ask for what I need and not feel guilty for needing it. I've posted on the sexual problems board that I'm having difficulty when we ML. H is aware of the prob because I've mentioned it vaguely, and he told me that he also read my post on the board. Things have been fantastic for us physically. H has a desire that he hasn't had in the past. It's scary at times because I'm afraid I won't be able to satisfy that desire. He has in the past been passive that way too with me being the initiator and feeling unloved when he wasn't in the mood. Now he's all about sex.. and would you guess that I could find a problem in that too?! Yup.. that's me.. I want what I want. So, I've let it bother me that he's changed because I suspect an ulterior motive that isn't there. So now I tell myself that it's great he's h*rny all the time, but it's just a physical need, not an emotional need.. not based on love but sex. So, he's coming out of his shell and sharing his desires very openly, but I'm interpreting them in a negative way. ex: he only cares about his sexual needs.. it's all about the sex..it's all about the pleasure.. it's not about intimacy or love. I want to be held and cherished. I even asked him the other night why he doesn't hold me tight like he used to and why doesn't that "do it" for him like it has in the past. I've been having this thought process for the last couple of months every time we ML. Instead of focusing on what he says that is so loving, I pick apart what he's doing to prove to myself that he's just satisfying his physical needs. I tell myself that he desires me because I've lost weight and look great right now, not because he cherishes me as his lover and has an emotional bond to me. Well, I know that I'm wrong in that. And I'm sorting out why I do that to us. I even go as far as to do things that feed my negative thoughts.. talk about manipulative. I'm not going to go into details, but I know what excites him and do those things to prove that he's only physically involved. I could take it down a notch and hold him.. and be more loving in bed, but instead I create a situation that proves to myself that my problems when we ML are his fault. AAAAAAAACCCK! We bought an erotic massage book a few months ago and it's been sitting unused. That is proof that he isn't interested in a deeper connection.. that he hasn't looked at the book and we haven't tried any of the techniques feeds my feelings that he only wants sex in a physical relationship with me. Well, last night I decided that it's time for me to stop blaming him. I asked him if we could get the book out sometime soon and learn to give each other massages. Of course he said, Sure!! It's time for me to admit that he loves me deeply and that I'm the roadblock to intimacy. I've no doubt that if I don't stop myself, I'll pick apart anything we try with the massages to prove that he's not really interested. Well, this time I refuse to play the victim and I'm going to do things differently. I'm going to accept his love and be open to an intimate connection with him even though I fear that connection. Tonight, he'll be watching football. I'm telling myself this up front so that I won't be surprised when we're up late and tired. I'm not goint to use this to prove that he isnt interested in the massages if we don't get to that tonight. He's said, Sure!, and that means what it means. If it takes a month for us to find time, that's OK. I'm not going to mention it at a bad time just to sabotage it!

And positives: H called me and asked me to print out his resume and edit a cover letter for him. He talked with a guy that used to work for him and their company is hiring. They gave two of his friends a job very quickly and the pay is great. He also found out that a job that he's been waiting to be announced publicly has been announced. The man who's doing the hiring has his resume and might give him a call for an interview soon. H did all of this without me mentioning a new job once! I didn't push him to mail the resume last night, I just sat it on the desk and told him it's there. Not gonna get my hopes up, but knowing that he doesn't need me to push him to look for a job makes me happy. I also know that I won't push him to take the wrong job for him.. what a relief!

I haven't initiated any R discussions, or given him anything to read this week. I haven't seen him working on our materials for MC. We've had a few weeks off and should go again on Mon. Well, last night out of the blue he said "I've been doing some reading" and I said "that's good.. is it helping?" And he said "yes, but I need to do more" I didnt respond to that and just gave him a hug. Then he asked me if I wanted to say a prayer with him. I've been disappointed that we haven't been doing that, and he also hasn't been saying prayers at dinner or with the kids, but I haven't mentioned it. H has said that he knows what he needs to change and improve, but has a hard time following through. I accuse him of not caring. Just that he wanted to say a prayer with me shows me that he does care. He's struggling I know.. but at least he isn't struggling to manage my control over what he's doing. It was nice to pray with him. It was nice to accept that and not start pointing out that we need to be doing our bible study together and praying with the kids. He knows that without me saying it, and he doesn't need my pressure on top of everything. I also don't need to use his passiveness as an excuse for me to not be doing these things. I told him once that I wasn't going to study the material until I saw him do it.. ummm.. can you say "cut your nose off to spite your face?" I want to study it, so I am. If it encourages him, then wonderful.. if not, then at least that will be one more thing that I don't allow him to control in me. Why I would do that in the first place.. allow my R with God to be dependent on him, or to be an indication of how much or little he's committed to our MC? Well, because I've been hell bent to prove that I'm the only one who wants this to work, and am willing to do what it takes. And, if he doesnt care and wont work, it wouldnt be my fault if it fails now would it? I'd be completely justified in not committing to him and re-marrying him in the future. I guess we can all see that the real obstacle to my happiness is ME.

Well, H just called. The game starts at 2:30. I stopped last night and picked up some beer. Yeah I know, sex, bible study and beer...lol. We don't drink very often, but I know he likes to relax and have one or two when watching football. He'll walk in the door from work about kickoff time. He asked if it's bad that the game starts at that time! Ugh... I guess he was anticipating that I'd be disappointed that he wouldnt want to go and do something with the kids this afternoon. Poor guy.. time for me to work a 180! I said, "no it's not bad! I'm glad you told me so that I can make sure the food is ready when you get home" Then he asked if I'd sit and drink a beer with him. I said sure and he sounded happy about that. I'm gonna get off here and take the kids to the park for awhile. S2 wants to go find a red Care Bear too! I bet the boys will be tuckered out and ready to nap during the game. I think it's the start to another good evening together And I just bet that after the game he'll be ready to spend some family time with the kids... wouldnt that be wonderful? OH, and another 180 for me. Instead of sitting with him while he was relaxing last night and feeling like we should be spending some time with the kids. Big issue for me.. after bath time I want to connect with the kids and he's ready to chill out. He gets his time in the afternoon and plays with them after school and while I'm making dinner. I've never really realized that before.. I've always been perturbed that he wants time to himself when I think he should be wanting family time. I guess I've felt torn between spending time with him relaxing and being with the kids. I curled up with the boys and watched a care bear video and read to them before bed. H came and found us and said.. "how sweet is that?" Then he and I had some time together after they went to sleep. And I stayed up with D11 for awhile after H went to bed. A happy relaxed night for all of us. That's much better than me spending time with him and resenting it because I want to be with my babies.. or feeling guilty that I'm not giving him attention that I "think" he needs. Oh how the tide turns when we pull our head out of the sand!