Hi Piglet,

If you lived anywhere near me, I would definitely take you up on your offer of coffee and kvetching.

I feel like you and I are so much on the same page with our sitches. Yesterday, my H spent the day alone or so he says... See, I'm not able to trust him and that fact alone is destroying me or at least I am letting it destroy me.

Yes, my happiness has been situation dependent for I think most of my life. Changing that is where I am right now. However, what does that mean for my sitch. Like you I have seen many many positives in my R but how many are those because I've gotten better at compromising with someone who then doesn't have to change?

I'm afraid that my H will never get over his secrecy issues and I sometimes think that DB only enforces them. Don't get me wrong, I think that DBing helps our most Rs tremendously but I do think there needs to be HUGE considerations when it comes to co-dependent Rs, Rs with alcoholics or the depressed. Many of the DB techniques seem to enforce bad coping behavior in WAS.

I absolutely HATE the fact that I have to raise the issue of my H's secrecy with him but to be honest I don't want to live with him again until that has been addressed. I need to find a way to do that!

My H knows of my discomfort with sitches like OW and his secrecy but it's still going on and I only know that because I spied on him! I refuse to continue with these underhanded control games he and I play. I need and deserve an R that is founded on trust and is transparent!

So where to begin? Days like yesterday really screw around with my head. Do I just put that to the side and act as if?

I'm not sure sometimes where I'm headed with all of this. I have a session with my DB coach on Monday. I will ask her for more concrete advice on how to move beyond these upsetting times.

I'm kind of overwhelmed today and it doesn't help that the East Coast is hit with a really gross indian summer heatwave. This kind of heat makes me feel really cranky and claustrophobic.

I have some work to do over the weekend. I have a freelance project that I need to finish. Then I am starting on a dress for the wedding next weekend that H and I are going to for one of his employees. I'm going to see a show tonight with H and maybe spend some time in the pool. I wish I didn't have to do freelance but until I start to get my debt and spending under control, I still need the extra income. Visit my thread next week for more updates on the two issues of concern in my R: secrecy and finances.

Anyway, sorry for the long reply. I hope that you have a great weekend and some good downtime with your H!

Sikan