You wanna grab a cup of coffee? I relate to so much that you say. Has your happiness always been situation dependent, or are you in this frame of mind because of your current sitch? Just curious about that. I too feel like I'm doing the majority of the work and I get frustrated. I mentioned this to H and he agreed somewhat. R work is hard for him. Maybe he fears turning over those rocks! I expressed to him that I feel like if I never mentioned our probs again and just went along my happy little way, he'd be content and never mention a problem again himself and we'd go on with a bandaid on our R until we hit a bump in the road again. ??? We'll see. I'm growing weary of being the worker bee and am like you, I'm working on the things I need to change about myself. The prob is, when I do and detach I like my H a lot less. I love him, but I see his weaknesses and denial. I see how he says a lot, but still hides so much. Instead of growing closer to him, I feel myself pulling away. I've been sad about that. I was so crazy about him the last few years, and I'd like to look at him and feel the same way again. I think maybe I'm reacting to his neediness right now.. I don't like that needy, clingy place he's in. He tells me he loves me a million times a day and how beautiful I am, how he can't live without me, etc. I sound like a WAW dont I? I think it pushes me away because I feel guilty for not feeling those feelings for him right now. I love him.. an action verb.. it's just not that fluffy wonderful feeling of seeing him through rose colored glasses!
Lots of reading going on for me and trying to pinpoint how I'm sabotaging my situations. That's why I asked about how long your happiness has been situational. I had grown to a point (I thought!), where I lived my life joyfully. I remember being SO happy to just wake up every morning and my problems didnt take hold the way they do now and affect my outlook on life. Maybe because I was in such a secure place with my family life that nothing could shake me. Now that fear has taken hold, it's affecting how I see everything. Im tired of people asking if Im OK, or upset. That's a big indication of how I've changed in the last year.. I can't recall my friends worrying too much about my emotional health before. I was always the happy go lucky one.. the one everyone turned to when they needed cheering, or reassurance. Even my S19 and D11 have been asking if I'm OK, and that bothers me. I think I've retreated into myself for protection.
Burgbud recommended a book - "The Bonds that Free Us". I havent found a copy yet, but I did find a serialization of it on the web. I sat and read some of it last night.. very powerful stuff. Slowly, I'm weeding out what I need to change and trying to change it. That's all I can do right now.. live each day and try to live it honestly and honorably. My anger level has gone way down in the last weeks. It's turned into something like disappoinment. I'm beginning to see how rejected I've felt by H and how I've always had a fear of commitment because I fear rejection and hurt.
Yes Sikan, I too feel like crap, am doing something to change, and still feel like crap! Change is hard isnt it? Especially when it involves being honest about our flaws and what they create in our life.
But, I have a feeling that we're both going to turn a big corner in our PMA soon
You can hijack anytime! Not a prob at all. Is my sitch getting more positive? Yes, in a way. We've made progress on so much. On the other hand, taking an honest look at myself and our R is bringing alot of stuff up to deal with that I've denied. And I'm dropping the rope too. I've known that it has to be done, but I fear where it'll lead. I didnt initiate one R convo yesterday or mention ANYTHING at all to do with the last months. We were very busy so that was good. H was sweet, and worried because I wasn't my usual self discussing this stuff and letting him know where I am emotionally right now. But, we ML and it was sweet.. he seems happy anyway.
He's in a great mood this morning. It's our bi-weekly Thurs together and he just took the kids to school (way to go H!). I have to get off of here. We're going golfing, to lunch, and shopping in a little town an hour away. Should be a full, fun day for us!
I'll travel over to your thread later tonight. Thanks for sharing!
