Although it's rough to be proven wrong in your assumptions, your disbelief is there for a reason. It's going to take a while for the trust to return. On your end, while you are rebuilding it, you will need to act as if for the time being.
There's the tool I need! Thanks You are right, I'm so conflicted on this issue of trust. H has done a lot to feed that distrust, but I have helped create an atmosphere where he doesn't always feel comfortable sharing the truth. I am working very hard on this. He often tailor's what he does and says to avoid dealing with any conflict that'll cause. It's just been recently that I realize how my anger and responses effect him. He stuffs his feelings so completely that I never knew a raised voice, or angry word effected the way it does. In fact, I've raised my voice to just even to be able to tell that he hears me.. bad, bad idea. He is veryveryvery sensitive to what I say and do. I'm working on "The Dance of Anger" Aaaack. At this point in our R, H is ignoring his wants and needs for mine to avoid losing me or causing conflict. I agree that he has to help re-build trust, but to totally allow me and my emotions to run his life is NOT GOOD! Soo.. I'm seriously thinking about what I need to be doing and not doing right now. Basically, it's still an issue of control. If I can't find a way to just trust.. and trust blindly in order to give him freedom to live his life, we're going to self-destruct pretty quickly. I think it's going to be through my acceptance of him hanging out with his friends, not questioning where he is, and not expressing my feelings angrily that he is going to relax and be able to trust me with the truth again. As far as trust with OW goes.. well... I've said over and over that I don't think he talks to her anymore. He hasnt given me a reason to worry about that in 3 months.. he hasnt called her that I know of. And if he does really.. so what?? He comes home to me every night, calls me a zillion times a day, sleeps with me, ML with me, shares my life as he always has. If she is getting anything at all from him, it's nothing to talk or worry about. So then it's.. why won't I let go and trust? If I'm honest.. I think it's more of a control issue. Control from me so that I don't have to worry about him hurting me again. I can't control that.. I just like to think I can. I HAVE to let go. I HAVE to trust him unless he gives me a good reason not too.. I can't keep raising the bar on what he has to do, or how long he has to do it before I begin to trust him again. You're right.. I have to act as if until my heart follows what my head is telling me. I have to make this a non-issue between us because Im using it to control him, and he's allowing me to control him with it. And BTW.. it's controlling me too!! ugh.

Were the two of you able to talk things over? In your R, are you able to do something like apologize and say that you are still struggling with trust but that this is something that you are working on? Maybe even finding ways that the two of you can reassure each other until you get to a point where the changes are permanent.
Yes, we did talk things over. He came home and gave me a big hug and told me he was sorry that happened. I apologized and told him that I should never assume like that. And then he praised me for leaving a couple of kind messages on his voicemail and not nasty ones. But, then he said he could tell I was angry when he finally got ahold of me. He joked around a bit about "well, I shouldnt be tired tonight since I didnt work all day" etc. Later, he started again and I asked him if he wouldnt joke about it anymore because there was a point after not being able to get ahold of him (and arguing with myself that he MUST be at work, but why would Tom tell me he wasnt) that it panicked me a bit. He said he understood. Before bed he laid with me and hugged me really tight and said that he just wanted to be close to me right now. That I scared the H*ll out of him. ???? I asked him to share and he said that after he hung up he was shaky because he gets scared that I am going to get so fed up that I leave and say it's over (because of all the feelings I have about him working with OW mostly). Then he said that he needs me to be patient and understanding while he is trying to find another job. He explained that he wants another job as bad as I want him out of there, but that he can't guarantee when it'll happen. I said I'd be patient, and I believe that I will be. The more I see how my negative feelings and interpreting what is happening to the extreme is hurting us, the more I'm determined to back off and trust him. The worst thing that can happen is that he'll prove himself untrustworthy.. the best is that we'll get over this hump that is keeping us from making progress.

And today, we got our cell phone bill. It makes me anxious. When he first asked me to add a cell phone to our plan it was so that he could keep in touch with OW and not run up long distance charges at his parents house. So, I view his phone as his primary means of contacting her. Here again.. an extreme. That was months ago. I have no reason to believe that he's talking to her, and he calls ME several times a day to say ILU, what's up? I need to let it go. I apologized for how I react and the questions I ask him. It frustrates him. I told him that I'm really trying, and that I know I shouldnt worry about who he talks to. he doesnt worry about who I talk to. It's a waste of time and destructive to our R. If he is going to have an A.. the truth will come out eventually, or it'll go away. He said that he understands and that it's going to take time. That we just have to continue to share our feelings with each other and talk about stuff so that we don't argue and carry around suspicions.

I'm curious about your R with your H. You mentioned that you had been divorced. Does this mean that this is the second time you and your H married each other? Can you fill me in a little bit on your history?

There's a thread running around here with detailed history. We've been together almost 18 years. 5 years ago, we were separated and divorced. H had an PA about 4 years into our marriage, and then I retaliated with one of my own. We lived in bitterness and resentment for awhile.. I think neither really caring what the other did, but not wanting to D because of the kids. Things got much better for a few years and we started re-building trust, but still not communicating well.

When I was pregnant with S5, H did a lot of irresponsible, dishonest things with money.. I thought he must be spending money on someone else, and asked him to move out. We divorced.. spent a year apart. I moved on an dated someone else for a few months.. and at our S5's first bday party, I realized that H and I were interacting just like H and W. We never dropped those roles with each other and we still cared for each other very much. We had become best friends. So, we saw each other for 6 months and he moved back in, but we didn't re-marry.

For the next 3 and a half years we got along so well.. never argued.. had a great time.. he was honest, I wasn't angry. I finally settled down and felt secure with him and he felt secure with me (I now know that he had some baggage from the R I had while divorced, but he said he has still been very happy). Those years have been the most joyful of my life.. settled, in love, happy. We had another child, and just enjoyed our blessings. But.. we still didn't corner the market on good communication. We just didnt have any major issues to deal with. Life was smooth.. no problems. I took care of finances.. we made enough money, no reason for him to hide anything from me.

Then S19 graduated from high school, and was going 200 miles away to college. H took it very hard. We all realized that he would, but since he doesn't share his emotions, we underestimated how hard it was for him to let go. In Jul last year, H lost his job for political reasons.. fired without cause. He's very good at his work, and it was a major blow to him. He said he felt as if he lost everything he was and had worked for the day he was fired (and he kept this news from me for a week and didnt tell me!). And then he stopped caring. The less he cared, the more he fell into depression. he was tormented because he didnt feel like he had about me either, but knew that he should. He says that I was doing everything I could do to be a good W (yeah, we're not married, but that's what we call each other)... and yet, he would be with me and the feelings werent there.

He started lying again and spending like crazy. After a few incidents that about drained the savings account, I gave him an ultimatum. Didn't work, so I asked him to move out.. and asked his parents if they could try to help him get back on track. It was honestly a choice between keeping a roof over our heads or not.

He wanted to come home, but I wouldnt let him until he started changing some things.. two weeks into it.. a friend convinced me that I was wrong and that H needed us to help him.. she gave me a list of MC names. I asked H to come and see the kids that Sat and he wouldnt.. I wanted to sit down and talk to him about counselling. Anyway.. he had decided that I was not going to ever let him come home and he was through with trying.

He accepted an invitation to go to a festival with some co-workers and ended up spending the night with a girl he works with. When he came to see the kids the next morning.. it was written all over his face. I told him about the MC.. and that I was willing to try..that I wanted him to try too because he was fast going down the road to self destruction (I wont even go into the financial mess he was getting himself into!). He said no.. that I just didnt want to mess up what he had going with OW. That night he called and said he changed his mind.. we talked for three days.. went to a MC and he dropped the bomb at the MC that he didnt really want to move back home.

We did that for a few weeks. I finally said, fine.. forget it.. if you won't try, then I'm not going to let you drag me through this.. come home or don't but stop calling me telling me that you love me, and then turn around and call her. He came home then, and agreed to cut off with OW. Well, he didnt of course. He moved out ten days later. They ended their R three days after that.

He was so miserable and depressed. I took him to the Dr. the first time he came home, but the meds werent working yet. I was terrified.. my H was not in that body... he felt nothing for anyone. I finally sat him down and had a heart to heart with him within a week of him moving out the second time. I told him that he was sick and needed our help. That I didn't know if we could/would fix things.. but that I wouldnt ask him to work on a R with me.. that I just wanted him to be better so that my kids could have a healthy Dad. That he could come home and sleep in the extra room, no pressure, until he got on his feet, and we'd take it from there. Two weeks later.. I'll never forget the day.. the meds kicked in. I could tell immediately. He was back in his body again and started having feelings again. They just came pouring out.

That is just a start though.. the issues still have to be worked through. I feel an incredible amount of guilt that I hold any of this against him because I know he's a sick man, and yet, I also know the choices we've made probably helped lead to the depression. The job loss was the last straw.. but the lack of communication contributed. That and H has always been very secretive, and I've been controlling. Long long history. It sounds like we should walk away from our R and cut our losses. But truthfully.. we get frustrated and hurt, but we don't hate each other. We don't argue and fuss all the time. And when I think of the good years we had.. I know that we have something very special. It's funny.. a lot of people post that their family and friends tell them to move on.. ours don't. Ours encourage us to stay together and always say that we seem to really love each other and go together. Maybe they are just afraid we'll be on the market and someone else will have to deal with us!! j/k

I'm just at a point where for the first time I'm willing to admit that I need to make major changes. I've blamed a lot on H and ignored how I contribute to our probs. I'm a good person and so is he.. we're just different. I've always been able to be the responsible, stable one, trying to do the right thing. But, that's not all true.. I have issues and I have to get myself straight or I'll never be truly happy.. even by myself. I'm hurt, but I'm also thankful that this has happened because I know we'll both come out of this better. Even H is talking about his feelings and trying.. which is AMAZING.

long and rambling as usual! There's a big bit on our history! lol

What's new with you? It sounds like you are making major DB progress.. how's the PMA?